How you doin'?

Or "How you doin'?

I miss Joey. Not really. I guess I just think I miss Joey. I've already started digressing.

The Holy Spirit put on my heart lately to call up my girl friends, and ask, "So how are you doing spiritually?"

Um, no. Thank you.

I don't think I'll ever fully realize the gravity of disobeying the Creator of the universe. I mean, why don't I have referential fear? The God who spoke the infinite universe into being, and I look at Him and say "No." There's no quicker way for me to get incensed as a mom than to see one of my kids look into my face and respond to a request, or a command by saying, "No."

And I said "No."

I even listed all the things I'd rather do than ask that question.

I'd rather have a root canal. (I think that one's coming anyway.)
I'd rather clean a public restroom. And if you know my ocd tendencies, that would speak volumes.
I'd rather night wean Zane for a month. Wait, I'm already doing that.
I'd rather give up television for a month. I need to do that anyway.

You get the picture.

It wasn't because I wanted to be disobedient. It wasn't because I wanted to displease God.

I didn't want anyone to think I was being judgmental or holier than thou. I mean, that's kind of a person question. You know?

So I did nothing. And I did it very well.

Then I was talking to a sweet, dear friend of mine. And the conversation turned to spiritual walks. Ours specifically. And she said, "You know, mine really stinks right now."

And I confessed to her that mine was sucking lemons right now too. She needed to share.

WHAM. There it was. God didn't want me to call my friends and question them about how well they were doing. He wanted me to call and encourage. Share my struggles. Confess my shortcomings.

I mean, I love to study. I love to spend time with God. I crave time with Him. I love to talk to Him all day. I love to hear his voice. I love to spread out my Lexicon, my Strong's concordance, my laptop, my commentaries, my notebook, and my Bible. I love to just pour over the Word.

And I haven't been. I can't figure out why.

The great reformer Martin Luther said, “I generally pray two hours every day, except on very busy days. On those days, I pray three.”

It's just the opposite for me. As soon as life gets going, I abandon the thing that keeps me sane. Why in the ever lovin' world??

I know that I'm pulled in every direction. I know I'm busy and tired. But how much of a better wife, mother and friend am I when I am where I need to be with Jesus?

How much permanent damage have I done to the Kingdom because of my selfishness? Whoa boy.

All God wanted me to do was to reach out and check on my friends. I just assume that everyone is fine except me. I assume that everyone is kicking along and I'm the only one struggling.

God's grace is freely poured on my head, and yes, He does know my heart. He knows that I want to spend time with Him, but He also sees how I spend my time and knows that my actions speak louder than my words do.

Pastor David says that spiritual walks ebb and flow. My question is "WHY?" Other than our sin nature and pride and selfishness and all that good stuff. Why is it so hard to do what's right? Why is it so hard to live the life that He died so freely for us to have?

Pastor David is kicking my butt right now, too, as usual. Asking me to freely share my faith. With friends, acquaintances and complete strangers. Do I want to do that? What would I rather do that do that? See the list above. *sigh*

I'm just frustrated with me. Just like with spending or eating or talking. The ways I fail Him and myself each day.

I just want to please Him. And be what He wants me to be. That seems so impossibly impossible and so impossibly easy.