And another fast

No, not food related. Social media related.

I just felt the need to refrain from Facebook and Twitter this week. I wasn't even really sure why. I think mainly I do this every so often just to make sure I can. I also planned to not email too, but that just wasn't practical.

I think one of the main problems with these sites is that other people's thoughts become my thoughts. I don't mean that in a brain washing way. I actually love and adore reading things I don't agree with. I need to constantly challenge what I think by pondering why I believe what I do, then seeing if what I believe truly lines up with scripture or if I have just always believed what I've been told.

What I mean is that I think so much on what I've read that I ponder on those things and not Scripture and praise and prayer.

This is a good thing and a bad thing. I am desperate to learn, but I also want to keep my mind on Christ. I just wanted to fast from the internet to see if that changed the dynamic in my mind.

This is sounding so cheesy and science fictionic. Fictionist? This is sounding a lot like science fiction. (Fictional. What the heck is wrong with me?)

The upside to these sites, and mainly Facebook, is that I know how to pray for my friends. Now that sounds like some sort of spiritual excuse for being on Facebook, but I really mean it. And you could also argue that I should be spending real, quality time with these same people so that I will know how to pray for them. And I agree, except that I can't physically spend time with all those folks, even though I really want to.

I really missed knowing what was going on in my friends' lives. I missed the prayer request, the praise reports and the silly moments that seem to bind friendship in some ways.

But, I really didn't miss the "noise." At all.

I did miss Twitter. I like Twitter better than Facebook. It's just short, concise and done. I try to use Twitter mostly as spiritual education (excuse me, did you just snort out a "yeah, right?) by following pastors, teachers and people trying to make a difference, with friends and a few fluffy Tweeters thrown in. I did miss that. I can't tell you how much I've learned on Twitter this year. Twitter makes me smarter. (I'm thinking that blogging when you've been up half the night at Secret Church is maybe not the most practical idea.)

So, what I took from all this is that limiting what I read really does affect my spiritual mindset. I didn't miss the snatched moments of glancing at Facebook status updates on my phone. I'd rather skim it all at night, gleaning the most important bits of information. I'm not feeling all that compelled to post there much either, although that may change.

I also really do see it as a means of ministry. If I'm being honest, my Facebook friends contain more non Christians than I know in "real" life. I heard once that if you don't know any non Christians, then you aren't doing something right. Fine, I don't see more than 5 people that I'm not related to in a week's time a lot of weeks, so I'm not sure what to do with that. Get out more? Probably.

That's another post, which is going to include thoughts and ponderings about cold witnessing to people. (Think tracks and "excuse me, may I ask you a personal question?) That's going to be a great post. You should really look forward to it. (I have GOT to go to bed.)

So what's the take away here? What did we actually unpack? (Oh my gosh, I'm stuck in Secret Church...) It seems really obvious and a no- brainer, but I have let myself slip into a habit of clicking and checking things that don't encourage a constant prayer dialogue and mediation of scripture and praise. It's such a slippery slope, this social media thing. I want to be a light for Christ, all the while feeding that which makes me a light.

I really think this break helped me re-establish boundaries and remind me of what's eternal and what's temporal. Looks like I need a daily reminder of this. Along with 8 good, solid hours of sleep, which will hopefully correct all that is wrong here.

Fast? This is slow...

My sweet friend decided to do a fast. A non-spiritual one. I thought I'd join her. It was a moment of sheer madness, but what the heck? Maybe I'd lose these last 100 pounds left over from Zane and feel better in the process.

Do you want to know how many times I've wanted to inflict bodily pain on my friend since the start of this fast? Several.

It's not her fault, really. It's my fault for doing it. It's pretty rough-no wheat, no meat and no dairy. I did cheat and sneak off to Whole Foods for some rice cheese and almond milk, plus some super yummy veggie protein links. (Think vegetarian sausage.) And it honestly hasn't been all bad. The tree hugger in me kind of likes not eating animals. Oh, well, you can have fish, so I haven't been a complete vegetarian. I had salmon once.

Anyway, as my week progressed from it's difficult start, it really didn't get any easier, but Christ did such a work in me through the difficulty, and my attitude just got more focused on HIM. Thank you, Lord, again. And I've realized how much I do use food as a comfort. And let me tell you, using broccoli as a comfort food just doesn't work the same way as chocolate does. It was nice to see that as I removed temporal comforts from my world, I replaced Christ with them. I think you call that a win/win situation.

And I have cheated a time or two, which I'm totally okay with. I've not cheated in some really tempting situations, so I felt it all evened out.

Until last night. As I was digging through the freezer, looking for my sweet potato fries (which probably aren't technically legal, but I really didn't care) I saw IT, snuggled in between some organic strawberries and some frozen northern beans, both of which I am allowed to have. There IT was - one lonely Haggen Daas chocolate - covered - vanilla - ice cream - rolled in chopped almonds - pure bliss. I accidentally bought an enormous box of them at Costco not too long ago, and although the kids and I shared them, I ate way too many of them. (And I wonder where these 100 pounds have come from?) Anyway, I learned my lesson about buying frozen ice cream treats in bulk.

But, one single, solitary ice cream bar got left behind, some how, some way. Had I known that it was there, I would have eaten it long ago. I spotted it as I was warming up my quinoa pasta with rice cheese bake, (don't drool on your keyboard, please...) and it was all I could do not to rip that paper off and devour it right then and there. I will admit, now that I can't eat junk, part of me doesn't miss it and part of me would kill to have an enormous load of Krystal Chicks. I did pause, in the middle of my kitchen, and ponder whether or not I should eat it. I do get points for actually debating it, right?

I'm not gonna lie. I fed the kids, (normal non quinoa pasta food) threw them in the bath, tossed them in pj's, hurriedly brushed their teeth and not so tenderly tucked them into bed. I then fairly flew down the stairs, ripped open that freezer door and dove into the ice cream bar like a monkey on a cup cake.

And it was the best thing I've ever eaten.

*sigh*

SO worth it.

And I'm good today, going back to the other way of eating. Except tonight is Secret Church, and the same friend and I, at the last Secret Church, ate M&M's during the breaks to stay awake. I mean not that the subject matter wasn't engaging enough or enthralling enough for us to stay awake or anything *ahem* but after sitting in one place for 4 hours, and it sneaking up on my bed time, you do need some extra help to stay focused. And heaven forbid you drink coffee, because if you can make it to the bathroom break, picture approximately 1,500 ladies all trying to use the same restrooms. My friend and I found the two year old rest rooms, and giggled every time we used those cute facilities that are about 6 inches off the ground.

Good grief. I have digressed a bit. Actually I have now forgotten the whole purpose of this post. Maybe it was to point out that animal protein is what keeps me sane.

Thank you

I'm not going to lie. I didn't want to get out of bed this morning. Well, actually, I didn't even want to stay in bed, because there all that was pressing me down was really pressing. So I got up and did what I knew I needed to. I got my Bible. I plowed back in with King David. And I had a feeling that God was about to really just take me where I needed to go.

And boy. did. He. David cried a lot for rescue. And man, who wouldn't? Well, Christ.

John 12:27-28

"...Now My soul as become troubled; and what shall I say, 'Father, save me from this hour? But for this purpose I came to this hour. Father, glorify Your name...' "

Good morning, God. I'm awake now.

Okay, Lord, don't rescue me from my circumstances. Teach me from them. Glorify You through me through them. The circumstances, I mean.

And God sent me straight back to Hebrews 6:11-12:

"...And we desire that each of you show the same diligence so as to realize the full assurance of hope until the end, so that you will not be sluggish, but imitators of those who through faith and patience inherit the promises..."

David got tired. He got weak. He made decisions out of that desperation.

1 Samuel 27:1

"Then David said to himself, "Now I will perish one day by the hand of Saul. There is nothing better for me than to escape into the land of the Philistines. Saul then will despair of searching for me anymore in all the territory of Israel, and I will escape from his hand."

Then verse 2, "So David arose and crossed over..."

And I feel it. I feel his desperation. I feel his panic. I feel his solitude. We know how it works out. I stand on the side, jumping up and down and saying, "DAVID! Hang on!! You're almost there. Just a few more years. (3 actually) HANG ON. Don't lose faith. Don't run out of patience. Don't do it. Don't go...!"

Don't you know that if David knew he had 3 more years, he could have hung in there? It had been 7 already. He was on the downward slope. But he lost faith. And he lost patience. Oh, sweet David. We all would have too. And we do. I do. I am.

But God had 3 more years of things to teach David. He wasn't through with David yet. God couldn't let David go until He had fully prepared him, so that God could get the glory He deserved but also so that David could do his job as well as God wanted him to. David was in boot camp, and he was trying to get out early. He just couldn't take it anymore.

He really thought Saul was going to get him.

So he made a rash decision outside of God's will. The Philistines? Dude, have you forgotten that you slayed a big one of them not all that long ago? Why go to your enemies?

Why do I? Flee to the temporal comforts that I know aren't good for me? What are my Philistines? Don't make me tell you, because I don't want to.

He thought hiding out with the Philistines would protect him from Saul. I'm feeling him. I get it.

"How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long shall I take counsel in my soul, having sorrow in my heart daily? How long will my enemy be exalted over me?" Psalm 13:1-2

When we visited Peavine Falls, I was shocked at how cold the water was. Shockingly cold and refreshing. I wanted to stand under the water fall and feel that icy cold water flow over me. I didn't, but I felt that way this morning. I felt the Spirit pour out over me this Word. It shocked me out of my... oh whatever I was. I was certainly in need of refreshment. Oh boy was I.

Then I grabbed my music and headed out. I have come to desperately need the time with the Lord that I get pounding the pavement of my neighborhood. I need that time, poured out in front of Him. Meditating on His Word. Praying. Being still before Him. Listening to Him.

I wonder if Pandora knows that God is in charge of their play list? Just as He brought me the Word that I needed from David, He sent me a soundtrack for my time with him:

Hillsong - "Salvation is Here"

God above all the world in motion


God above all my hopes and fears


I don't care what the world throws at me now


It's gonna be alright




Hear the sound of the generations


Making loud our freedom song


All in all that the world would know Your name


It's gonna be alright






'Cause I know my God saved the day


And I know His word never fails


And I know my God made a way for me


Salvation is here






God above all the world in motion


God above all my hopes and fears


I don't care what the world throws at me now


It's gonna be alright



'Cause I know my God saved the day

And I know His word never fails


And I know my God made a way for me


Salvation is here



'Cause I know my God saved the day

And I know His word never fails

And I know my God made a way for me

Salvation is here...






Lincoln Brewster - "Amazed"

You dance over me while I am unaware

You sing all around but I never hear the sound








Lord I'm amazed by You

Lord I'm amazed by You

Lord I'm amazed by You

And how You love me





You paint the morning sky with miracles in mind

My hope will always stand

For You hold me in Your hand





How deep how wide

How great is Your love for me



Shawn McDonald - "I Am Nothing"

I am nothing without You

Only a fly upon the wall

Listening in, hoping to find something about You


That will keep me from this fall



And sometimes I catch a glimpse

And my heart begins to beat

Day by day awaken me

You put the wind beneath my feet



I long for the water

That brings life to me

'cause I long for the truth, oh

That sets man free




I am nothing without You

Only the dirt beneath Your nails

My heart is bruised and it's broken

And my soul is very frail






Please give me a reason

I need to name this man

And no longer this broken treason

Only on You I will stand



I long for the water


That brings life to me

'cause I long for the truth, oh

That sets man free




Please mend these broken wings

And take the scales from my eyes

Without You I am nothing

I will not survive




I long for the water


That brings life to me

'cause I long for the truth, oh

That sets man free




Bethany Dillon - "The Kingdom"

It tapped me on the shoulder today when I got home

I saw everything collecting dust

It made me hope there was something more

I pour over pages, desperate to find out why

The cripple at your table has what I'm longing to find



Teach me how to hum it

Because I don't know the words yet






Help me see the light

I'm reaching through the fight

Yahweh, show me the Kingdom


Arms open wide

Death swallowed up by life

Yahweh, show me the Kingdom



Why are some women barren

While the wicked's house is full

The stories never seem to end

Give me evidence I'm not alone

You said the weak would be lifted up

But maybe just not yet

So while I wait in this flesh and blood

I'll learn to lean in



Help me see the light

I'm reaching through the fight

Yahweh, show me the Kingdom

Arms open wide

Death swallowed up by life

Yahweh, show me the Kingdom




(and there was more.)

Oh, our God is so good. He never leaves nor forsakes us. When He feels so far away, He's there, teaching us, loving us and orchestrating our lives in such a way that we could never, ever even imagine. I have to exercise my faith and my patience while I wait for Him to teach me all that I need to know so that I can be most useful to Him in reaching people for Him and for helping those that already do know Him.

Help me, Lord, not flee to my Philistines. Help me work hard and rest in You. Help me trust You. Help me keep my eyes off my circumstances and keep my eyes on You.

And thank you, Lord, for not ever giving up on me. I would have given up on me long ago. Yet you see in me a heart that wants more than this next breath to serve You. You know my love for You compares to nothing. Nothing even comes close. Help me live that out in every single area of my life, while I'm waiting for you.

*and on another related note, I'm eschewing all things internet related for this week. And maybe longer. Except for this blog. So if you need me, text me. Or be really 1970's and call me. :)

And here's what we're listening to right now:

I'm okay!!!

This is the superfluous post just to follow up my miserable lament from the other day. If you're short on time, just know that I'm okay and skip the rest.

I think the main problem is that I just fall into believing what I'm told. One of my favorite lines in my favorite song is "The devil is singing over me the same old song; that I'm cursed and gone astray..."

And I start to buy into the lies. Why? Lots of reasons.

But you know what? When I get tired, mostly spiritually tired, I seem to fall prey to those lies. That I'm not good enough. I'll never be good enough, and not only that, I'll be more of a detriment than as asset. Ever get frustrated with those Israelites who failed over and over again? Hello, my name is "Israelite."

But, God ever so gently reminded me of all that is good. Of all that He's doing in my life. That I don't have to check off a check list of what's good and acceptable. I don't need to let my people pleasing desire dictate what I do or even desire to do. I need to keep my eyes on Christ and walk in obedience to Him, even when what He's telling me to do looks different than what everyone else is doing. (More so then, even.) And really, probably, not everyone else is even doing what I think "everyone" else is doing. Not that it really matters.

I loved studying Kind David. He's my favorite, I think. Thinking so much about the Goliath story lately gave me new perspective on this time in my life. Yes, David did a great thing in killing Goliath. But you know what? It makes me nervous for him, because this was the event that kicked off approximately 10 really arduous years for David, and I see it coming. Almost as soon as he slashed off Goliath's head, a most difficult time of David's life began. Yes, God used those years to grow David-to train him in all ways-to be King, but I can't imagine fleeing for your life for 10 years. Waiting on God's promise for 10 years.

Like Bart Box said on Sunday, David had God's promise of the kingship, but not the privileges. Can you imagine living in the balance like that for so long? Having the promise but not the privileges?

Imagine it.

How many days did he wake and say, "Today, Lord? Will it come to pass today? Soon, Lord. Please let it be soon..."

I read this morning all the Psalms he wrote during this time. His anguish was palpable. (I so often think of the word "languish" when I think of David. He languished a lot. Bless him.) He really struggled. You can just feel his pain. It's more than pain. It took him to the brink. But at the end of those Psalms, he always ended back where he loved and needed to be, praising God and thanking Him for all He was doing in David's life. Precious praise.

I love David. I think I love him most because of the same reason I hear people say over and over again. He was a man after God's own heart, yet even so, he messed up. Not just once, but more than that. And I'm so thankful for that. And like I learned a while ago, maybe the ones that mess up the most feel God's grace the greatest. Because, you know, we need it more.

So even though I fall over and over again, God is gracious, merciful and much more patient with me than I ever am of myself. What an amazing journey. What a crazy roller coaster journey. And I'm thankful to be on it.

When I'm wrong...

I say I'm wrong. I'm all too ready to be corrected. I get lost in how much I don't know, and I also stress about how to learn as much as I can as quickly as I can. That's probably another post...


So a few weeks ago I wrote this:


I've thought a lot about Jesus in the garden too. He didn't want to go through with it. He asked for the cup to pass from Him. I think that it was the separation from God that was the thing he feared the most. The wrath from God for the sin He carried. I wonder, though, if the physical agony he knew He was going to endure made him fearful before hand. I mean he was fully man, and fully God. Did the man part fear the physical part of the process He was going to go through?

I'm sure it's no coincidence that in the last two weeks, I've heard two different sermons that had my correction in them. Basically what the truth is that Jesus didn't fear the physical aspect of his beating, torture and crucifixion at all. There have been scores of people who went to a horrific death in the name of Christ and went bravely, rejoicing all the way. Christ was and is certainly braver and less afraid of earthly afflictions than humans. It was simply the separation and wrath from God that He was fearing. There's more, but I'm not sure I would do it justice anyway. You get the point.

So there you go. I am sure I was wanting to justify my fear of a gruesome death by wondering in Christ did the same. He didn't. And I'm sure that is reason for mediating on this subject some more. I'm also sure that God will give grace in that time of need. Doesn't do a lot of good to wonder what it would be like to die like that, nor to wonder too much how I'd react. I'd die for Christ, and that's pretty much all I need to think about at this point.

This was total mush and mismash, but I needed to get it out. This is what happens when you Blog when you don't have a real brain yet. :)

In You...

"In You"

I sing for joy
In my remorse
A well within prosperity’s curse
That drowns the mighty oak of pride
But feeds the root of God inside.

In You
I find my rest
In You
I find my death
In You
I find my all and my emptiness
Somehow it all makes sense

In You I’m rich
When I’ve been made poor
Comfort found when I mourn
The prideful one You see from afar
Drawing near to low, broken hearts.

In You
I find my rest
In You
I find my death
In You
I find my all and my emptiness
But it all makes sense

I don't think it's always a great idea to blog when you're tired. Be it emotionally, physically, or spiritually tired. You usually say things you wouldn't normally say, and there they are, written down for all to see forever. I mean you can delete the post, but it's already been out there. For this reason, I hesitated to write, but then I said, "You know what? Who cares? It's me. And I should let it out and not worry how it comes across..." And yes, I talk to myself. Quite a bit. Is that weird? Oh well..

I don't really want to talk about this last week. I could fill a novel with what I've seen and experienced. What I want to talk about is where this week has left me.

This song, "In You," was a balm for my soul, and unfortunately my kids got stuck with me in the van when I played it over and over and over again. I know they hate that.

These last few months, I've spun my wheels, trying so hard to learn, grow and be in Christ. I was challenged and convicted and turn inside out. I found inside myself a check list for how to be a good Christian. I'm sure that no one put it there. I'm sure I did it to myself. I felt like a huge failure; I had like maybe one thing on the "list." I was doubting my usefulness in the kingdom. And yes, I would make strides, only to slide right back down in my mire. I felt very much like a sub par Christian. I didn't measure up to any of the expectations that I felt like I was running into. I asked God to relieve me of any duties that He had called me to, and pleaded with Him to just let me live out my simple little life doing the best I could.

And yes, I know the 1.2 million things that are wrong with that previous paragraph. You can know the right answers and still not know how to implement them.

And then last Sunday night happened. And you know what? In that moment, in a hospital, with a sweet mama's empty hands in mine, it didn't matter if I was a foster mom. It didn't matter if I had never been on a mission trip. It didn't matter where I lived, or if I was read up on my scripture assignments for the week. I didn't matter what color my children were, or where their birth country was. Words like "missional" and "radical" and "intentional" fell away. The only thing that mattered was my relationship with Christ. The strength of that relationship was tested. All that mattered was whether or not everything that I believed in and sought after and rested in was real to me or not. Like a safety net that stretches underneath you, the strength and surety of it's ability to catch you isn't real until you've fallen into it.

I know this isn't an either/or thing. I know that you can be all the things we've been learning about and still be a light for Christ here and now. I think I just got lost, again for the 100th time, in all that I'm not. And I lost sight of what I am. I will argue with those I respect and say that maybe we aren't all called to be everything. I can't be everything. I tried, and I failed miserably. But I walked on the outskirts of the fire, watching someone I care about go through the fire, and my faith was real. My strength and my comfort and hope came from Christ. Because of my devotion to Him; because my commitment to spend time in His Word; because of my precious, intimate walk with Him, I rested in Him. I felt Him all over me. When I was too sad or too tired, He knew. He just took care of it all.

So there must be something here that's pleasing to Him. Something that my obedience is cultivating. Something...

A guy I really like and respect said something I have been thinking a lot about. The Great Commission- "Go into all the world and make disciples.."- You know, GO. Like don't sit here, just GO. Back your backpack and go. I think in my mind, somehow I got it like this: Pack up the handful of things you need that you didn't sell when you sold your house and everything in it; pack up your foster kids; your adopted kids; your Bible reading guide; your super cool, equally as on fire friends; don't wear your Chaco's or your Keens, for goodness sake, but throw on some cheap flip flops and GO to some other country and win a huge heap of people to Christ. Then you are good.

*sigh*

But what this guy said was that this word "GO" actually means, "as you are going..." To Publix, to the library, to the park to meet friends, to church where you do actually belong... As you go, preach the Gospel. BE the Gospel. Here. And always. That does good. And there are times when just because you are SO in love with Him, because He is your everything, and because you really want nothing else but Him, He'll use you. In your own world. With your birth kids while you're wearing your Keens. Because when it all got stripped away, that's what was left. What was real.

Like I said, I'm full of raw emotions. I'm tired. I have no patience for anything that won't carry us through the most horrific thing you could ever face. Because I can do things, but those things aren't going to carry me through my own personal hell. Whenever that comes. And I'm absolutely, positively going to regret this post almost as soon as it's sent. I think it's safe to feel these things and not share them, because then no ones knows. You can appear righteous and good and holy and no one is any the wiser.

But I'd rather be real.

Odessa

When Allen asked what I wanted for my birthday, I was stumped. I honestly couldn't think of anything. He decided to get me a bike, since I was the only family member without one. I was shocked at how expensive bikes are, so I got the cheapest non-geared bike I could find. (He didn't want me to go to my usual haunts to find a used one. Buying a used one usually costs more than a new one once you get it in working order, we heard. I'm not sure, but that's beside the point.)

I do love Odessa. I named her that after realizing that we should have named the Odyssey Odessa instead of Olivia. The kids chose Olivia, so that's okay. I loved the name Odessa, though, so I named my bike that. (The odd act of naming inanimate objects will have to be a later blog post.)

Allen took the kids fishing on Sunday (that's definitely a whole other blog post) at the park on Sunday, and he loaded up my bike for me for it's inaugural ride. It was weird riding a bike again. I didn't forget how to ride one, so the old saying is true. I did have to remember some of the finer points of riding a bike, though. For instance, you have to look more immediately where you are riding instead of far out like when you're driving. Hitting a few potholes taught me that right off the bat. And it's hard to let go to scratch your nose-the bike will get very wobbly if you ride with one hand on a trail. Then suddenly since I couldn't scratch my nose, I needed to constantly.

I rode up to this little cemetery and looked around for awhile too. I love doing that, although it's probably morbid to admit. I love reading the headstones-the names and dates. Wondering why the young ones died; praying for their families. I like to ponder death sometimes. It keeps things real and in perspective.

Good grief. From bikes to death? Sorry about that.

It was fun to ride. It was nice to go really fast and feel the wind whip around me. Not the same as a motorcycle, but good anyway. I'm not sure I did the right thing by not getting a geared bike, but I just couldn't justify the cost before knowing if this was something I'd really do much or not. I think mountain biking would be awesome. For now, I think Odessa and I will stick to the street, though. I do love her. I like feeling like a kid again!