"What do you seek?"

I have strange fears. 

One of them is eternity. 

Yes. Eternity. 

I've had this fear since I was a child. I can remember clearly being in second grade and lying in the bed, trying to figure out eternity. I would think about it at length, trying to understand how heaven could never end. I would think about it until the anxiety would force me to stop or I would have to succumb to a full blown anxiety attack. 

I thought I would grow out of it. 

I didn't. 

I remember still being in a Bible study with my friends several years ago and confessing this strange part of myself nervously to my friends. A sweet friend blessed with the gift of faith said, "Just don't think about it."

Okay.

That didn't help.

I still, at any moment, can ponder the concept of eternity and work myself into a complete anxiety attack.

I'm quite sure this is sin.

{This oddity was finally helped a little by the theological revelation that time is a concept created along with our world. It didn't exist before the creation of the universe and won't exist after. To even ascribe the word "eternity" to heaven is to ascribe a  human term to a non-human concept. It won't exist there. This helped. Some.}

This tends to color how I feel about dying too. I am completely confident in my salvation. The realization that death ushers me into eternity? That's a little more of a problem.

I usually conquer this peculiar flaw of mine with praise and an outward confession of my weakness and begging God to help me trust Him.

{and I know all the right theological answers. this is just a supremely bizarre aspect to my sinful anxiety.}

So

The hubs and I headed off one Sunday to finally see "The Hobbit." We love these movies and watch them periodically. 

I particularly love Elrond and his home, Rivendell.

(photo credit: http://lotr.wikia.com/wiki/Elrond)

This is the cheesiest video ever, but I needed to include here just a glimpse of Rivendell:

So hubs and I are watching "The Hobbit" and I'm innocently enjoying the movie. Elrond's image fills the screen and I involuntarily sighed and thought, "Aw, I hope Jesus is like that."

That sort of shocked my system, and I sat upright and thought, "WHAT did I just say?" 

Gosh.

But soon images of Rivendell flowed off the screen and soothed me, and I found myself wishing that this is what heaven would be like. 

"If heaven was like that, I wouldn't want it to end."

Okay, folks, this is where I knew it was time to get into the Gospels.

See, I spend most of my time in the Old Testament. There are tons of reasons why, but I just prefer it. 

Anyway, after I found myself wishing that Jesus looked, sounded and acted like an actor on a screen, I knew it was time to spend some deep, real and long time with Him. 

I repented and opened my Bible to John.

Oh, sweet John. I asked the Lord to meet me on the pages of John.

Just as sometimes you don't realize how thirsty you are until you take that first drink of ice cold water, I realized how much I needed to be near my Savior. I needed to hear Him and see Him and touch Him and be touched by Him.

I began to worship as I saw again that He has always been. 

And then these words:

What do you seek?

He said these words to His first disciples, former disciples of John the Baptist, Andrew and Peter. They "heard Him speak and and they followed Jesus." He turned to them and said these words, not in a condescending or confrontational way, but in a gentle invitation for them to interact with Him. And that's why I needed to be here with Christ. Sometimes I think He wasn't kind. He wasn't loving. He's tough and hard and demanding. 

Or this is how I feel when I step away from Him for too long.

And I felt Scripture beckon me and ask me the same question. Gently. Kindly. It was an invitation to interact with Him, just as He said to Andrew and Peter, "Why are you here? What would you like to know?"

And I told Him that I missed Him. I was sorry I had stayed away too long. I needed to be near Him and hear His words again. 

So I read. I tried not to stop and study too much. I tried to just read and allow His words to flow over me. To soothe. To convict. To fellowship with Him. To learn from Him. 

And there is was. The invitation that I had seen quite often here lately. But to see it here, in Scripture  in context of His words, and His story, it was precious. 

So I read and I read. And I met Him here in these pages. I saw His love and saw His commands. I studied when my cultural expectations crashed against the words in the pages. When He wasn't kind enough or sensitive enough. And of course I was wrong over and over again. He was kind and gentle. It felt good to get back to Who He really was and is and what He is calling me to.

Hard words. He says hard words too. 

It felt so good to see His words unfiltered and fresh off the page lodging themselves in my mind and in my heart.

I felt changed each morning just by spending time with Him here. 

Jesus. 

Not God. Just Jesus. 

The part of the trinity that I grapple with the most. Savior and King. What does that look like each day in my life?

The words in John soothed my fears and ushered me to worship.

Then Lent came. What a sweet way to celebrate this time leading up to Easter. With Jesus. And just Jesus. 

I pulled this out. When John is complete, I will read all the Gospels, together as one. To see their stories woven together to paint this picture of Christ. 

To celebrate this: the "ministry, crucifixion and resurrection of the Messiah." 

What about me will be different by spending time with Him in these pages? No theology. No rudimentary word studies that are probably doing more damage than they are good. No commentaries. No books written about these Gospels. 

Just the Word.

Just the Words of Christ. 

How will I be changed? 

I can't wait. 

And I'm quite sure Jesus is infinitely superior to Elrond. I'm positive Rivendell will look like a sewer compared to Heaven. I know that my finite mind was not created to here on earth comprehend what eternity will be. 

But do you know what soothed this in me? When Jesus said to His disciples as He was getting ready to go to the cross, 

 Father, I desire those You have given Me to be with Me where I am. Then they will see My glory, which You have given Me because You loved Me before the world's foundation.

He desired even then that I be with Him in Heaven. How can I be afraid of being somewhere with Someone who loves me with a love I can't even fully comprehend?

So what am I back to? 

Trust. 

Yes, Jesus. I trust You. With my salvation. With Your plan for my life. And even with Heaven. 

I'm thankful for Your patience with me.

And I'm thankful for the power of Scripture. May we all seek Jesus on its pages more. 

I think this is weird...

Someone said it again to me today:

"I want to go to Heaven."
 

I thought, "Yeah, I'm not ready."

That's weird.
 

We're supposed to want to go to Heaven. Like right now. 

And I do want to see Jesus. I mean, I really do. 

But I'm not ready to leave here yet. And it's not because I have such a great life. I do appreciate the life He's given me. It hasn't been easy, most of the time, but I know that compared to 99.923% of the world, it's been a cake walk.

But every single stinking time someone says something about longing for Heaven or wanting to go to Heaven or wanting to see Jesus, I say, "NOT YET."
 

Too many people haven't heard. 

Not that I don't want to see Him. And this isn't about my freakish fear of the eternal either.

Although, my 6 year old was studying the "Everlasting to Everlasting" God this week. He looked at me with that sweet face and said, "So how can God not have a beginning?"

I decided to play it cool.

I shrugged and said, "I dunno... Now what verses are we reading?"

Didn't fly.

He said a little more firmly, "When did God start?"

Ugh.

Then he squinted those eyes at me and said, "And how does He never end? And how does Heaven never end?"

I literally felt the anxiety well up in me.

I pictured him in therapy, years from now, telling his therapist, "And we were just doing my Bricks and Mortar card, and I asked a few questions about the "Everlasting to Everlasting God" and she just LOST IT. Starting yelling, 'I DON'T KNOW, I DON'T KNOW!!!!!' "

*sigh* 

How does it never end? My sweet and insanely frustrating gift of faith friends are rolling their eyes at me right now. They refuse to have this conversation with me yet again.

So watching my son wrestle with this, I felt a little vindicated. 

And just as things were getting a little tense, from my end I'm sure, the ever hungry 4 year old pipes up with, "Is God gonna FEED US in Heaven?"

I tried to explain how we're going to have new bodies that don't need food or get sick when they both said, "What are we going to do in Heaven? Forever?"

I then went into the eternal glorification and praising of God we'll do and then I think they got distracted by the Wii, at which point I collapsed into a heap and started sobbing.

Not really. But it was a hard week.

{He also said that he suspected God created sin, because it was just God, then God created Satan and then Satan sinned, so didn't that mean, in essence, that God created sin, even though He's holy and there's no sin in Him? I just looked at him. When I posed that question to my small group, they told me to email that question to one of our pastors and let them know what he said and then they moved swiftly along. So how was I supposed to answer than question when I don't know myself? And I promise that I didn't have that discussion with him. He came up with it on his own after hearing some stuff at church. So see, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. And no, I still don't have an answer.}

I forgot what I was talking about. 

Oh yes. My not wanting to go to Heaven.

I just want more people to hear. I want more people to know. I will defer my pleasure of seeing Him so that more can know.

Not that I'm telling them. I'm sitting here, in my house, trying to figure out when to mop my floor and wondering why the guy who invented Leggos isn't the one who steps on them constantly. I'm ensconced in my own little world of caring for my family and much more concerned with ring around the collar then reaching the lost family in my neighborhood that has a shrine to Buddha in their foyer.

*ahem* 

I'm not always sure this blog is a good idea.

I had to go look for a recipe a couple of days ago, and so as I looked back through some old posts, I started reading them. I was slightly embarrassed. I mean I'm MORE than thankful that for how God has worked in my life, and I guess it would be a point of pride to want to erase the senseless babble that I once spewed, thinking I was so smart.

I'm also pretty sure that in 2 years, I'm going to look back on this post and think the same thing. I'm quite sure I'm going to roll my eyes at myself. 

I don't care, really. This whole silly blog is just one way of charting God's miracle working in my own life and pure testament that He can do the same in another's life. 

So my not wanting Jesus to come back today has no meaning other than if He defers it for just a day longer, someone else will hear. And believe. And that's one less person that will spend eternity in hell.

I can find delayed gratification in that. I can't want Him to come back just to rescue me from this sin infested life I live. I can't want Him to come because children die or cancer reigns or life is hard. I want Him to come back to fulfill the beautiful plan that was set into motion when there was only water and God. Or maybe even before that.

Although I do wonder when exactly at the point of the beginning that wasn't did He decide to create us? And if so many refuse Him, was it really worth it? If one soul perishes in hell, was it all worth it? I mean before He created the world, no one was perishing. It just seems like a huge price.

I had to look for someone on Facebook today, and I got overwhelmed with sin. And hear me say I stay plenty overwhelmed with my own sin. But these girls were doing things that just made my heart sad. And for the 30 that were posing in a way that made my mouth drop, there was ONE that was not. I honestly just got discouraged. It's too much. There's so much sin. Too much. It's not worth it. Nobody cares. They don't want to hear. They're happy. And for the most part, Christians aren't. So what do we have to offer? Why should they want what we have? It's too much.

And then that familiar chord struck deep inside of me. "If one more believes, that's one more that won't perish."

It's worth it, Lord. Just wait. A little more. Let us just win one more. 

But that's weird. Really. It's just weird.