"What do you seek?"

I have strange fears. 

One of them is eternity. 

Yes. Eternity. 

I've had this fear since I was a child. I can remember clearly being in second grade and lying in the bed, trying to figure out eternity. I would think about it at length, trying to understand how heaven could never end. I would think about it until the anxiety would force me to stop or I would have to succumb to a full blown anxiety attack. 

I thought I would grow out of it. 

I didn't. 

I remember still being in a Bible study with my friends several years ago and confessing this strange part of myself nervously to my friends. A sweet friend blessed with the gift of faith said, "Just don't think about it."

Okay.

That didn't help.

I still, at any moment, can ponder the concept of eternity and work myself into a complete anxiety attack.

I'm quite sure this is sin.

{This oddity was finally helped a little by the theological revelation that time is a concept created along with our world. It didn't exist before the creation of the universe and won't exist after. To even ascribe the word "eternity" to heaven is to ascribe a  human term to a non-human concept. It won't exist there. This helped. Some.}

This tends to color how I feel about dying too. I am completely confident in my salvation. The realization that death ushers me into eternity? That's a little more of a problem.

I usually conquer this peculiar flaw of mine with praise and an outward confession of my weakness and begging God to help me trust Him.

{and I know all the right theological answers. this is just a supremely bizarre aspect to my sinful anxiety.}

So

The hubs and I headed off one Sunday to finally see "The Hobbit." We love these movies and watch them periodically. 

I particularly love Elrond and his home, Rivendell.

(photo credit: http://lotr.wikia.com/wiki/Elrond)

This is the cheesiest video ever, but I needed to include here just a glimpse of Rivendell:

So hubs and I are watching "The Hobbit" and I'm innocently enjoying the movie. Elrond's image fills the screen and I involuntarily sighed and thought, "Aw, I hope Jesus is like that."

That sort of shocked my system, and I sat upright and thought, "WHAT did I just say?" 

Gosh.

But soon images of Rivendell flowed off the screen and soothed me, and I found myself wishing that this is what heaven would be like. 

"If heaven was like that, I wouldn't want it to end."

Okay, folks, this is where I knew it was time to get into the Gospels.

See, I spend most of my time in the Old Testament. There are tons of reasons why, but I just prefer it. 

Anyway, after I found myself wishing that Jesus looked, sounded and acted like an actor on a screen, I knew it was time to spend some deep, real and long time with Him. 

I repented and opened my Bible to John.

Oh, sweet John. I asked the Lord to meet me on the pages of John.

Just as sometimes you don't realize how thirsty you are until you take that first drink of ice cold water, I realized how much I needed to be near my Savior. I needed to hear Him and see Him and touch Him and be touched by Him.

I began to worship as I saw again that He has always been. 

And then these words:

What do you seek?

He said these words to His first disciples, former disciples of John the Baptist, Andrew and Peter. They "heard Him speak and and they followed Jesus." He turned to them and said these words, not in a condescending or confrontational way, but in a gentle invitation for them to interact with Him. And that's why I needed to be here with Christ. Sometimes I think He wasn't kind. He wasn't loving. He's tough and hard and demanding. 

Or this is how I feel when I step away from Him for too long.

And I felt Scripture beckon me and ask me the same question. Gently. Kindly. It was an invitation to interact with Him, just as He said to Andrew and Peter, "Why are you here? What would you like to know?"

And I told Him that I missed Him. I was sorry I had stayed away too long. I needed to be near Him and hear His words again. 

So I read. I tried not to stop and study too much. I tried to just read and allow His words to flow over me. To soothe. To convict. To fellowship with Him. To learn from Him. 

And there is was. The invitation that I had seen quite often here lately. But to see it here, in Scripture  in context of His words, and His story, it was precious. 

So I read and I read. And I met Him here in these pages. I saw His love and saw His commands. I studied when my cultural expectations crashed against the words in the pages. When He wasn't kind enough or sensitive enough. And of course I was wrong over and over again. He was kind and gentle. It felt good to get back to Who He really was and is and what He is calling me to.

Hard words. He says hard words too. 

It felt so good to see His words unfiltered and fresh off the page lodging themselves in my mind and in my heart.

I felt changed each morning just by spending time with Him here. 

Jesus. 

Not God. Just Jesus. 

The part of the trinity that I grapple with the most. Savior and King. What does that look like each day in my life?

The words in John soothed my fears and ushered me to worship.

Then Lent came. What a sweet way to celebrate this time leading up to Easter. With Jesus. And just Jesus. 

I pulled this out. When John is complete, I will read all the Gospels, together as one. To see their stories woven together to paint this picture of Christ. 

To celebrate this: the "ministry, crucifixion and resurrection of the Messiah." 

What about me will be different by spending time with Him in these pages? No theology. No rudimentary word studies that are probably doing more damage than they are good. No commentaries. No books written about these Gospels. 

Just the Word.

Just the Words of Christ. 

How will I be changed? 

I can't wait. 

And I'm quite sure Jesus is infinitely superior to Elrond. I'm positive Rivendell will look like a sewer compared to Heaven. I know that my finite mind was not created to here on earth comprehend what eternity will be. 

But do you know what soothed this in me? When Jesus said to His disciples as He was getting ready to go to the cross, 

 Father, I desire those You have given Me to be with Me where I am. Then they will see My glory, which You have given Me because You loved Me before the world's foundation.

He desired even then that I be with Him in Heaven. How can I be afraid of being somewhere with Someone who loves me with a love I can't even fully comprehend?

So what am I back to? 

Trust. 

Yes, Jesus. I trust You. With my salvation. With Your plan for my life. And even with Heaven. 

I'm thankful for Your patience with me.

And I'm thankful for the power of Scripture. May we all seek Jesus on its pages more. 

Reflections on Revelation

We studied Daniel when Zane was a baby.

I'll never forget studying in the bed each night with commentaries spread all around me, trying to do so quietly, barely moving as not to disturb his little baby body snuggled next to me. I remember sitting in the floor sharing with the ladies of our Bible study group while he crawled over my legs. I remember literally being on my knees asking God to help me understand the complexities of the last half of Daniel. I remember making manipulatives and dancing them across the floor trying to explain verses and chapters. I remember being so completely exhausted at the end of that study, and I remember asking the ladies to do Revelation.

And I remember the resounding, "NO!"

Not that I can really blame them.

I have wanted to study Revelation since then. I tried a time or two on my own, but I felt the longing to study it with someone. I waited patiently, trusting that time would come.

And as God so often does, the opportunity to study Revelation didn't come when or how I expected it, but I also recognized the opportunity to grow in trust of this God. So there it was: a sermon series. 

I was a little nervous and very excited.

It started really well.

I plunged into this enigmatic book asking God to do a work in me.

And He did.

I wanted this to be a life changing study for me. I really did. I wanted to learn things that would change me forever. I wanted to raise an ebenezer that I could look back on for the rest of my life as a result of spending time with this book.

I decided I needed something tangible to keep my mind stayed on what I was studying. I chose this beautiful carnelian bracelet. {The lady that made it lives in the Canary Islands, and receiving a package from there was almost as fun as the bracelet inside.} I haven't taken this bracelet off since I received it. I love to rub the stones and feel the coolness and smoothness of them under my finger.

I am so very addicted to the tangible.

(And He who sat there had the appearance of jasper and carnelian...Revelation 4:3)


I studied and studied this book. I studied until I dreamed about it. I studied until I talked about it to nearly everyone who would listen. I read commentaries and articles and listened to sermons and taught it and thought about it and longed to have deep discussions with hot cups of tea until the early hours of the mornings. I stayed up late and got up early.  I studied until I was sad and nervous and discouraged and fearful and wanted to quit this life and run away.

I'm sure that's about ninety percent all the wrong things to do. But that's what I did.

I opened one of the books that I use for the kids in school one morning and these words leapt off the page at me:

I heard the imploration, "See the big picture." Stop studying the intricacies and step back. See it as a whole. What is the main message? What is the big picture?

I'm not good with the big picture.

I like the intricacies.

I like charts.

We got no charts.

{I'm still a little bitter}

But I learned something in that too. I'm learning to ask myself more, "What is the big picture here?"

In life. In my walk. In God's plan for my life. "What's the big picture?"

See? I'm practicing.

I also learned not to be too hard on myself here. I didn't walk away from Revelation with a perfect understanding of this book. Or even a perfect understanding of why it's okay not to have a perfect understanding of this book.

But God was so gracious to remind me of the first time I studied election. I studied and studied and came away from that study just as confused and broken and sad and searching as I did when I started.

God said, "Rest." So I did.

I studied it again later. I came away from the second study not as confused but still sad and less trusting of God. I felt like everything I had known had been wiped clean but I still didn't know what I truly believed. I felt unsettled and exhausted.

And God said, "Rest." So I did.

A sermon ushered me into my third study of election. I wearily opened the Bible and thought, "Here we go again."

And this is where God did a work. He showed me new things in verses I had read so many times before. He took me on a journey through Scripture and led me through this study with such sweetness and light, and I came away from it rejoicing in His perfect plan. I still couldn't fully wrap my mind around election, but my need to explain it all humbly crumbled to the desire to embrace it rather than process it.

It was good. Now I see this beautiful plan of God's woven all throughout Scripture and wonder how I missed it all before.

As I wrestled with the way I studied or failed to study Revelation, God poured out His grace in reminding me of this other journey. He reminded me that I have a sweet foundation of what I did learn in Revelation this time and there will be a time to study it again and build on this foundation.

I am so deeply and profoundly thankful for that.

We start a new series tomorrow in church. As Revelation fades into the rear view mirror, I find myself oddly sad. Tears drip down my face as I think about closing this book that seemed so daunting just a few weeks ago. I don't want to leave it behind. Ringing true is Revelation 1:3

Blessed is he who reads and those who hear the words of the prophecy and heed the things that are written in it...

I am sentimental by nature, but more than that, I want to remember what I learned. I want to stay changed. I want to be challenged by these words still, even after today.

Perhaps what I want to remember the most is the simple summary that rang from the pulpit and continues to echo in my head over and over again:

our God wins

Despite what my humanistic eyes want to see and what my deceptive heart wants to believe, this simple truth has the potential to change every single nuance of how I live. And I want to continue to strive to let it.

And oh I want to worship this way every single second of every single day~

"Worthy is the Lamb that was slain to receive power and riches and wisdom and might and honor and glory and blessing...To Him who sits on the throne, and to the Lamb, be blessing and honor and glory and dominion forever and ever." 

Farewell, Revelation, for now. I promise to think of you often. And I look forward to spending time with you again. I'm really thankful you are the most spectacular and unimaginable ending to this great Canon I love so much.