Really? Again?

Our pastor said a couple of weeks ago something that has rung in my head and in my heart. He said, "I have no consistency other than that I'm inconsistent." Yep. That's me.

Three of my friends have put their kids in public school after homeschooling them. And guess what? It's a great thing for the kids, the moms and the families. The kids are thriving, doing well in social settings, working through some issues with the teachers that needed to be worked out in the kids, making friends, taking stands for Christ, etc, etc. The moms? They are taking long walks, spending time with their young non-school aged children and doing crazy hobby-like things like sewing. 

Nope. I'm not jealous. At all. 

I lie too. 

Sigh

First of all, I know that at least one of these moms, right now, while reading this, is feeling guilty. And I'd like to tell her to STOP IT. Don't feel guilty. This is where God led your family, and I'm thankful for your obedience and how God is blessing it. 

(I so totally can't relate to people who feel guilty over good things. Nope.)

And, because I'm so good at doing what's bad for me, I been to question my own schooling situation. 

Really? Again? 

What is wrong with me? 

The school year is going well. The kids are learning. We haven't missed a day of school. God has given me the discipline to get up, do what I need to do in the morning and get school done. Jude even slips from time to time and says, "I don't hate school." I hear that as, "I really, really love school and you're the best teacher ever!" And of course, I'm learning too. I can't wait to blog about some really cool stuff I learned recently about the first inhabitants of North America. 

So why should I get all mired down in this again? Or why do I? 

The answer probably seems obvious. But I have to drag myself through the muck yet again.

I think the struggle with my own inadequacies is what I'm battling the most at the moment. Am I worthy to be spending 24/7 with my kids? That's one reason I didn't want to home school. I wanted my kids to have other (hopefully positive) influences. Instead of just me. Me. Mostly me. All the time. I mean, as I type this, one kid is in their room sobbing after a hard day of school. I'm sure that's mostly the teacher's fault. 

So imagine my thankfulness, and relief, when a kind lady shared the following devotion at a home school support group meeting a few nights ago. It was from Oswald Chambers' My Upmost for His Highest, and after reading it to us, she gave us the name of the devotion. (I was so glad, because as she's reading it, I"m thinking, "Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, I need to read this again...) I wrote down the name of it so I could look it up later and read it again. And again. This morning, I located my very dusty copy of My Upmost... on my bookshelf, stuck a book mark in the book and carried it downstairs so I could find the devotion to read again. And a few times. 

I opened the page to where I had randomly stuck the bookmark, and of course, it was the devotion that I was looking for. I never want to miss or take for granted these ways that God reassures with tangible touches. 

The Brave Comradeship of God

The bravery of God in trusting us! You say - "But He has been unwise to choose me, because there is nothing in me; I am not of any value." That is why He chose you. As long as you think there is something in you, He cannot choose you because you have ends of your own to serve; but if you have let Him bring you to the end of your self-sufficiency then He can choose you to go with Him to Jerusalem, and that will mean the fulfillment of purposes which He does not discuss with you. 

We are apt to say that because a man has natural ability, therefore he will make a good Christian. It is not a question of our equipment but of our poverty, not of what we bring with us, but of what God puts into us; not a question of natural virtues of strength of character, knowledge, and experience - all that is of no avail in this matter. The only thing that avails is that we are taken up into the big compelling of God and made His comrades (cf. 1 Cor. 1:26-30). The comradeship of God is made up out of men who know their poverty. He can do nothing with the man who thinks that he is of use to God. As Christians we are not out for our own cause at all, we are out for the cause of God, which can never be our cause. We do not know what God is after, but we have to maintain our relationship with Him whatever happens. We must never allow anything to injure our relationship with God; if it does get injured we must take time and get it put right. The main thing about Christianity is not the work we do, but the relationship we maintain and the atmosphere produced by that relationship. That is all God asks us to look after, and it is the one thing that is being continually assailed.

Wow. I mean wow. I have read it several times, and I'm going to keep on reading it. And read the Scripture reference:

Brothers, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God—that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. Therefore, as it is written: “Let him who boasts boast in the Lord.”

I Corinthians 1:26-31

Again. Whew. Too much. 

And I love this so much. As I ponder things God has called me to, including this ginormous thing called home schooling, what I ask most is, "Are you sure you meant to pick me?"  I feel like Moses and his first response to God, when He called Moses from the burning bush to lead His people out of Egypt, "Who am I...?" (Or my, "Excuse me, are you talking to me? Really?)

And God's immediate response is, "Certainly I will be with you..." (Exodus 3)

And God, after my whining to Him one day that He really didn't mean to pick me (and I even listed some other very more capable women) said to me, "Amy, I didn't choose you because of what you are, I chose you because of what you aren't."

Oh good. Because there's a heck of a lot of "aren't" here.

Okay. So here I am. Called. And this post will bleed into another that I won't write today, and it's the post about when I came to the end of myself. 

This encouragement, though, came in the sweet form of a mama who gets it. And really, rather you're home schooling or have your kids tucked away at boarding school or are somewhere in between, being a mom is hard. And maintaining an intimate relationship with Him full of passion for Him, and for the nations and the lost when your own kid is begging to move to another house seems rather challenging. (Okay, not begging, but seems really open to the idea of a new home...) When the house won't stay clean, and you forget to pay a bill, or things keep breaking or you can't stop looking like a frizzy headed troll, or you know you have friends but you can't get out of the house to actually see them, or you can't get the laundry done or you have to cook dinner, again, there, in that chaos is God, sweetly and gently saying, "Hey. I've called you to do this. And you can. Really."

~Thankfulness~

Of all things...

I spent my rockin' Saturday night organizing curricula and listening to old sermons. (Whoa, that is such a geeky think to admit.) I got done with a stage of organizing, so I was set to steam clean some carpet, since the offending carpet destroyers were in bed. I was about to get up, when I thought to go ahead and load the kids' cds that have their scripture memory verses on the computer. I couldn't find the new cd for Laney, and after searching, I finally found in in a plastic bag with some other things. I popped the cd into the computer and pulled out the other items from the bag to see what they were.

There was an envelope, and on the outside it said, "A gift for you, Mom." And here's where I snorted. It said, "Please open in a quiet time and place."

Yea, I snorted. I mean, my kids are in bed, but only a few minutes ago did Laney stop coming downstairs to tell me "something." I do get quiet time in the mornings and at night, in the vein of complete honesty, but finding an envelope meant for a  homeschooling mother that said to read it in quiet and peach was just to ironic to me. 

Anyway.

I opened the envelope fully expecting to find something really cheesy. Because you know, I'm a cynic like that. 

And here's what I found - A note that said this:

"Dear Mom,

{Blah, blah, some stuff you don't care about, ie. how great Sonlight is.}

As I think of what you will learn together-not only from the books and the academics, but, far more, from the relationships you will deepen one with another-my heart wells up with joy. What a difference your sacrifice and commitment will make in your children's lives... and through them, I pray, in the lives of many, many others... possibly to the ends of the earth!

While in the Holy Land a few years ago, John and I made the acquaintance of a Christian shop keeping family in Bethlehem. We purchased one of the Jerusalem Cross pendents. Made of stering silver and blue opal, and crafted by Bethlehem Christian friends of the shop keepers, I thought it might serve as a fitting "token of appreciation" for you... and an encouragement to you to persevere in your often unrecognized labors.

Sincerely, Sauta


PS. The rich heritage of the Jerusalem Cross dates back to the fourth century. The four small crosses represent the four Gospels spreading to the four corners of the earth, and the large center cross represents Jerusalem, the city where Christianity began. 

I pray the shape of this cross will remind you of the foundations of your faith - geographically, of course, but far more, historically, since the Cross, itself, stands for the ultimate sacrifice Jesus made in our behalf. Beyond this, however, when the blue jewels sparkle in the sunlight, I pray you might remember that you play an astonishingly valuable role in spreading God's Kingdom as you invest in your children - the next generation. "
  
(Bold and italics theirs)

Oh. my. gosh. 


I just sobbed. I don't know why, exactly. Maybe it was the week we had. :) Maybe it was being without my kids all afternoon and realizing that I really could NOT wait to see them, and hug them. Maybe it was the time I spent praying over the upcoming year. Maybe it was the stress I was feeling, again, about what a mammoth job this is, and wondering why God would entrust me with such a ginormous job. 

I just cried. I took off my other cross and slipped this one onto the chain I wear around my neck. And as silly as it sounds, every time I touch this cross, I'll think of this sweet note, written not to me, but written by someone who really does understand why I home school. By someone who gets how hard it is, but gets WHY I do it. 


And stamped on the back of the cross is the word "Jerusalem," which reminded me of my commitment made a while ago, to God, to pray for this HIS people. I don't pray for them like I said I would. This will help.


Oh my. My Lord is so sweet and so gracious to bless and encourage me with some completely serendipitous treasure found on my bookshelf. He is so involved with each and every intricate detail of my life. This fact ushers me into such sweet worship with a God that I simply don't even have words to describe my feelings for.