Why all this need?

I've come face to face with my inadequacies and insecurities here lately. One of them is this need for constant self expression. It doesn't seem normal, really. So I've been pondering why I have the need for it.

I can't remember a time when I didn't self express. Scrapbooking when I was a kid. Journaling up until the time I saw my first blog. Constantly sprouting thoughts and feelings. But those were private and just for me. Nobody had to know or care about what I was constantly thinking about or pondering...

Until the phenomenon of social media/blogs hit the mainstream. Then, suddenly, you can think out loud, and for what ever reason, people are interested! I have thoughts about why people are interested, and most of them aren't good. (I'll not go into that now.) I do actually think that anyone who reads this blog probably has at least 10 other things they should be doing at that moment rather than reading my rambles, but that's probably another post.

But for whatever reason, I felt the need to examine this need/desire to be heard. It's probably part of the only child syndrome that I cultivated for those 12 years I was an only child. Maybe? Or maybe it's not. I do like to blame things on those 12 years, though. It's nice to have that to fall back on.

I met an adorable teenager not too long ago. I don't know very many teens right now, and my life is very much lacking because of that fact. I adore teenagers, and can't wait to have one of my own. I admire their honestly and fresh look on life, among other things. So this particular girl appraised me through narrowly slit eyes, and said, "So what is your thing?"

I blinked and said, "Excuse me?"

She said, "You know, your thing. You look all.... artsy. So what's your thing."

In other words, "You dress like you're artsy, so you'd better be able to back it up."

Kinda like if you dress Emo, you'd better be Emo.

This isn't the first time this has come up. I was having a conversation with a new friend not too long ago. She said something kind of similar, but more in the "what do you like to do? " kind of way. (Perhaps I dressed like I looked like I had something I liked to do?) I laughed and told her I like to take snapshots. She got this puzzled look on her face and said, "Snapshots?"

See, this friend is the wife of a photographer that I am just blown away by. So I told her I couldn't tell her that I liked to take photographs, becuase that would sort of be like telling Michelangelo that you like to watercolor, like he does. She had the precious grace to roll her eyes and tell me I was a tad crazy. Yeah, well...

So back to the appraising teenager. I was left stammering something about liking to write and take pictures and uh, you know...

She looked slightly disappointed, like I should have told her I had a three story art studio where I had tons of natural light and created life-sized sculpture or something like that.

*sigh* Maybe I should start wearing Dockers and sensible shoes.

Because honestly, I don't know what my "thing" is. Maybe this is my thing. Talking. Or writing. Good grief. That's not a talent.

As I pondered this whole self expression thing, I got a little down on it, thinking that really it's just a narcissistic way of getting attention. "Look at me. LISTEN TO ME! I will NOT be ignored..." Really? I want everything in my life to be God-honoring and God-glorifying. How in the world is this going to be that?

And then my sweet Lord, oh He is so patient with me. (Thank you, Lord. Thank you.) He pointed out that He needs people to express. To talk. To write. To share.

I mean, I am good at that. I'm not sure at what number of an audience I'd be nervous in front of, but so far, I haven't found it. I mean, I'd probably get nervous, but I'd talk anyway. That's probably not hard to imagine. There's not a subject I won't talk about (as evidenced by this blog) and there's no thing I won't discuss. I mean, won't God, couldn't God use that? Couldn't that be a ministry?

I hope so. Because aside from appearing like I'm an artiste, I'm not sure what other talents I have that God is going to use. (Writing, speaking, talking, hugging...?)

Oh, or maybe that pondering thing. I guess He could use that. I had a dear friend, who is blessed with the gift of faith (oh that elusive gift of faith that is so foreign to me) tell me that I needed to "just let things go" instead of pondering them so much. I rared up a little (a lot) and said, "Fine, what if C.S. Lewis had 'just let it go'? What about Tozer or Spoul or Packer or Bounds? And countless others? What if they had all let it go? Where would we be now?" Sorely missing them and their writings, I'm sure...

(and I am SO not equating myself with those guys. That's just laughable. Where are the women, by the way? Don't women theologians write books? I'm sure they do. I just haven't found them yet. Don't they? Aren't there some?)

I can't let things go. I don't know how. And honestly, I don't want to.

Anyway, God has used my ponderings. I see that. I just have to be careful to ponder the correct things. And then write about those things. Then maybe, just maybe, I can wear my black Converse with pride. I earned those shoes with my ponderings. And my writing. And my talking. And I can save the Dockers for when I'm.... okay, well, never.