And then I got mad...

I am not normally an angry person. I think I was just born happy. I mean I get fired up about stuff, and I certainly have days where I snatch a knot in a head or two, but for the most part, I don't really get angry a lot.

I guess I always thought that was a good thing. I thought that anger was a bad thing. And certainly it can be. Absolutely it can be. But sometimes? Anger is good.

I just assumed that God wasn't okay with anger. I know that Jesus did that changing money in the temple angry thing, but that was because of an offense against God. I can see where that kind of anger would not only be acceptable, but profitable. I do get angry about Godly things, but it's more of a righteous indignation kind of thing rather than a real anger. (And I'm sensing that I don't get angry enough in those areas. I'm learning...)

When I lost my third baby, though, I came to realize that I was pretty angry about that. It's normal-the stages of grief and all. But I didn't know what to do with the anger. Normally when you get mad at someone you can work it out. Even with the kids, that kind of anger for me passes pretty quickly. But here I was, angry, and I didn't know what to do with it. I was angry at God. But I was afraid to tell Him that.

He dealt with me a lot during that time. He spoke to me straightly and honestly. He said one day, "Tell me how you feel."

I told Him I didn't want to. He already knew how I felt.

He said it again. "Tell me how you feel. Tell me about your anger. I can handle it."

That caught me off guard. He could handle my anger? I could get angry at Him and He wouldn't get angry back? This was all revolutionary to me.

So I told Him. I really and truly came before His throne and told Him I was mad. I told Him I wanted that baby. I told Him everything I felt, thought and believed about all that had happened. I poured myself out before Him in a thoroughly stripped down way-completely raw and totally vulnerable. Just gave it all to Him. And you know what?

When I was done-when I had emptied myself of all that I had been carrying around- the bad and the terrible, God said, "There. Now we can get on with this thing."

Not only was He okay with my anger, it was an essential part of our relationship that had been missing. Sounds weird, huh? Well, it was, and then again it wasn't. God was asking me for all my pure, honest emotions. He needed me to be honest with Him, and not say, "Oh well, it was in Your will that I not get to hold that baby in my arms, and Romans 8:28, and I'm totally okay with God's will for my life..." and on and on.

It wasn't easy. I was careful and respectful, but I did finally get real with God.


So while I was at the beach for Spring Break, I finished up like 4 books that I had been working on getting through. I had been feeling a little overwhelmed with all that God was teaching/showing me, but instead of slowing down and getting into just His Word, I saturated myself with a whole bunch of stuff. (A sweet friend of mine pointed out that that probably wasn't such a good idea. Yep, totally in agreement with that one.)




But what was so hard about all that was that all the dang books just ended up all making the same points, which was kind of erie, since it was a mish mash of different stuff I was reading. I felt like every book, the Word that I was studying, the stuff we are learning at church, the things my friends were talking about, and things I would read in the most random places, all were saying the same things. And boy did I get myself worked up into a tizzy. I felt like everyone was shouting at me at the tops of their lungs. I felt overwhelmed and hopeless and tired and... just... M.A.D.




Boy did I get mad. And you know what God said? "Tell me how mad you are. And tell me why."


He said this to me a day where I just happened to be in the van by myself. So I start praying and He says, "No. Tell me out loud why you're mad."




So I did. I just poured it all out, starting at point A and working my way to point Z; I just laid it all out there. And I was really worked up.




And again He said, "I can handle your anger."




That's good.




And what I came to realize out of all of this is that God may or may not tell me the same things He appears to tell everyone else. He tells us in His Word to be and go and give and do. Books will tell you the same thing. Your preacher, your friend, your family, they will all tell you what God tells you to do. And God is telling me to stay. Be still. Don't move.




"Just wait."




And I had had enough. I can only be still for so long. I'm not a good be stiller. I'm a great doer. I rarely get tired of doing, but I'm dang tired of being still.




And I told Him that, among other things. And it sounds so easy, really. Just obey. Just do what God tells you to do. And it does sound easy. It's just hard to DO what He's telling you. Especially when He's telling you to NOT DO. See?




Two verses have just been all over me. The first is Psalm 46:10-11. "Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations. I will be exalted among the earth." (Italics mine, because God doesn't need my help doing those things. And I lose sight of that.)

You know what? That word "still" is the Hebrew word רָפָה (raphah) and it means to "abate, sink, relax." I mean COME ON. Do you know what that did for my tormented soul? And get this. The Hebrew word for "and know" is דַע (yada), and there is a huge list of different forms of "know" which the word refers to, but, oh, the main, short definition is "acknowledge."




Whew.




Sink into Me and acknowledge that I am God. "I am in control. You 'Go' when I tell you to 'Go.' You wait as long as I tell you to 'Wait.' Even when you think you can't wait anymore, you wait still."


Which leads me to the second verse He gave me:
Psalm 27:14 "Wait for the Lord. Be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord."




That's just good stuff. And you know what? I got all that just because I got angry with God. That's pretty amazing.