Sweet encouragement

After getting those last three blog posts out of my head, I started to feel a little better. I can't describe how good it felt to not have them rolling around in my head. I don't know why that is the case, but it is. I am felt more at peace too, resting in Christ and His promises. Last week was a hard week, but a sweet week, preciously intimate with Him. Good stuff.


And it seems that God knows when I need some tangible encouragement.


Yesterday a lady walking into our small group. I was instantly drawn to her for some reason. She soon shared that she was on the mission trip that went to Sudan recently. The trip that I sat on the beach and cried over. The trip that I prayed over so much. That was cool. She shared some in small group about the trip, along with our friend who also went on the trip. I'm not going to lie, my heart hurt some listening to them talk, but I was honestly more thankful for what God had done on the trip than anything.


So after small group, I made a small detour on the way to church and just happened to run into her. Her name is Amy (imagine that) and we started chatting. I invited her to sit with me, and we kept chatting (imagine that.)


She is a nurse, which helps tremendously when you go on mission trips, especially medical mission trips, which was what this last group did. I jokingly told her that I wanted to go to nursing school to become a nurse. What better profession to use in the mission field, right? God wouldn't even hear of my desire to go to nursing school, and I wasn't really serious anyway. It was just a fleeting thought.


But you know what Amy said? She said that yes, being a nurse came in very handy, but what they really needed on this last trip, HOLD ON, was...


teachers.

She said teachers.

I think I actually gasped aloud. It felt so good to hear. "Teachers."


I lost no time in telling her I had a degree in education. And about how much I wanted to "Go." She said, "Oh we need you!"


That felt really good. They need people who can talk. (And write and hug?) It was just nice, to hear that those gifts I was struggling with just a few days ago were needed. Wow.


I had just felt, for some strange reason, that the gift of gab and wearing cute shoes weren't going to benefit the Kingdom much. But He whispered through my new, sweet friend Amy that yes, He can use me. Why did I ever doubt?


And then our service yesterday was all about what God is doing through our church for India. Oh, it was just really hard to sit still. Have you ever wanted to transport yourself through a Skype? Much less a pre-recorded Skype transmission? I want to be in India. (Be still. Wait.) But oh the joy that seeing what God is doing brings to my wait-weary soul.


And toward the end of the service, something was said about missions, and Amy clutched my arm and said, "See? We need you!"


Oh. my. I am just weak with appreciation. That God was so gracious to see past the whining and complaining and impatience to show me again that He is in control of every detail of my life. Down to the smallest, simplest thing. That He can and will use me. It's just not time yet.

And guess what He gave me on Saturday? A new friend who's heart is so passionate about adoption. Oh we talked about that a lot. And she is a child of missionary parents who grew served in Africa most of her childhood. She shared so much about all of that, and I just soaked it in.

Why do I see a pattern here? God is so good. Wait. And here are some comforts while you are waiting. And some education. I have SO much to learn. I get lost in all I need to learn. But that's okay. I have time while I am waiting...


And yes, there are things I can do while I'm waiting. And I am. I'm going to wear my cute shoes and talk. And hug. And learn.

And then I got mad...

I am not normally an angry person. I think I was just born happy. I mean I get fired up about stuff, and I certainly have days where I snatch a knot in a head or two, but for the most part, I don't really get angry a lot.

I guess I always thought that was a good thing. I thought that anger was a bad thing. And certainly it can be. Absolutely it can be. But sometimes? Anger is good.

I just assumed that God wasn't okay with anger. I know that Jesus did that changing money in the temple angry thing, but that was because of an offense against God. I can see where that kind of anger would not only be acceptable, but profitable. I do get angry about Godly things, but it's more of a righteous indignation kind of thing rather than a real anger. (And I'm sensing that I don't get angry enough in those areas. I'm learning...)

When I lost my third baby, though, I came to realize that I was pretty angry about that. It's normal-the stages of grief and all. But I didn't know what to do with the anger. Normally when you get mad at someone you can work it out. Even with the kids, that kind of anger for me passes pretty quickly. But here I was, angry, and I didn't know what to do with it. I was angry at God. But I was afraid to tell Him that.

He dealt with me a lot during that time. He spoke to me straightly and honestly. He said one day, "Tell me how you feel."

I told Him I didn't want to. He already knew how I felt.

He said it again. "Tell me how you feel. Tell me about your anger. I can handle it."

That caught me off guard. He could handle my anger? I could get angry at Him and He wouldn't get angry back? This was all revolutionary to me.

So I told Him. I really and truly came before His throne and told Him I was mad. I told Him I wanted that baby. I told Him everything I felt, thought and believed about all that had happened. I poured myself out before Him in a thoroughly stripped down way-completely raw and totally vulnerable. Just gave it all to Him. And you know what?

When I was done-when I had emptied myself of all that I had been carrying around- the bad and the terrible, God said, "There. Now we can get on with this thing."

Not only was He okay with my anger, it was an essential part of our relationship that had been missing. Sounds weird, huh? Well, it was, and then again it wasn't. God was asking me for all my pure, honest emotions. He needed me to be honest with Him, and not say, "Oh well, it was in Your will that I not get to hold that baby in my arms, and Romans 8:28, and I'm totally okay with God's will for my life..." and on and on.

It wasn't easy. I was careful and respectful, but I did finally get real with God.


So while I was at the beach for Spring Break, I finished up like 4 books that I had been working on getting through. I had been feeling a little overwhelmed with all that God was teaching/showing me, but instead of slowing down and getting into just His Word, I saturated myself with a whole bunch of stuff. (A sweet friend of mine pointed out that that probably wasn't such a good idea. Yep, totally in agreement with that one.)




But what was so hard about all that was that all the dang books just ended up all making the same points, which was kind of erie, since it was a mish mash of different stuff I was reading. I felt like every book, the Word that I was studying, the stuff we are learning at church, the things my friends were talking about, and things I would read in the most random places, all were saying the same things. And boy did I get myself worked up into a tizzy. I felt like everyone was shouting at me at the tops of their lungs. I felt overwhelmed and hopeless and tired and... just... M.A.D.




Boy did I get mad. And you know what God said? "Tell me how mad you are. And tell me why."


He said this to me a day where I just happened to be in the van by myself. So I start praying and He says, "No. Tell me out loud why you're mad."




So I did. I just poured it all out, starting at point A and working my way to point Z; I just laid it all out there. And I was really worked up.




And again He said, "I can handle your anger."




That's good.




And what I came to realize out of all of this is that God may or may not tell me the same things He appears to tell everyone else. He tells us in His Word to be and go and give and do. Books will tell you the same thing. Your preacher, your friend, your family, they will all tell you what God tells you to do. And God is telling me to stay. Be still. Don't move.




"Just wait."




And I had had enough. I can only be still for so long. I'm not a good be stiller. I'm a great doer. I rarely get tired of doing, but I'm dang tired of being still.




And I told Him that, among other things. And it sounds so easy, really. Just obey. Just do what God tells you to do. And it does sound easy. It's just hard to DO what He's telling you. Especially when He's telling you to NOT DO. See?




Two verses have just been all over me. The first is Psalm 46:10-11. "Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations. I will be exalted among the earth." (Italics mine, because God doesn't need my help doing those things. And I lose sight of that.)

You know what? That word "still" is the Hebrew word רָפָה (raphah) and it means to "abate, sink, relax." I mean COME ON. Do you know what that did for my tormented soul? And get this. The Hebrew word for "and know" is דַע (yada), and there is a huge list of different forms of "know" which the word refers to, but, oh, the main, short definition is "acknowledge."




Whew.




Sink into Me and acknowledge that I am God. "I am in control. You 'Go' when I tell you to 'Go.' You wait as long as I tell you to 'Wait.' Even when you think you can't wait anymore, you wait still."


Which leads me to the second verse He gave me:
Psalm 27:14 "Wait for the Lord. Be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord."




That's just good stuff. And you know what? I got all that just because I got angry with God. That's pretty amazing.

No more WHAT?

It pains me to write this post. In one of those selfish, horrible ways, it pains me. Because I am such a selfish, horrible person.

Okay, not really. I'm being overly dramatic. But I am a little sad.

I love to go to garage sales. If you've known me longer than 5 minutes, you know that already. It would be easier for me to tell you what I haven't gotten that I own that didn't come from a garage sale than for me to tell you what I paid for in a real store. That was awkward. You know what I mean.

I even have blogged about my garage sale experiences:

http://thoughtsfromanoverthinker.blogspot.com/2009/04/its-most-wonderful-time.html


So I really, really told God to just rid me of anything in my life that didn't bring Him glory. And I really meant it. I just didn't think He was going to mess with my garage sales. But He did. Oh yes, He did.

Now I don't know about you, but anytime God messes with something I don't want to give up, the first thing I do is to try to rationalize it. Or justify it. I mean, come on. Garage sales? Tax free, super cheap stuff?

And God said, "Yes. Stuff."

Good grief.

See, I love stuff. Always have. And when I found out that I could go to garage sales, and get more stuff for cheap, I found out I could have MORE stuff! Glee! Happiness! Woo hoo! Cheap stuff!

Better yet, I could get good cheap stuff. Stuff that told the world that I didn't care enough about my money to NOT spend money on stuff such as this. You know, like the time I got a Louis Vuitton purse for $2. I can't get a purse at the thrift store for $2. But the world doesn't know that. It looks like I spent $350.00 on a purse. Why do I want to look like that person? Because I have a messed up view of the world. I have misplaced priorities. Because it became a game to get as much as I could for as little as I could.

Ugh.

Is this fun? To admit this stuff? (Um, no) Is it right? Am I to the place in my life where I'm willing to let go of anything and everything that doesn't glorify God? Why does that scare me so? Because I might be afraid of being one of "those" people? Because if I totally turn my back on this world and all it has to offer, then I have to turn my back on this world and all it has to offer?

Or something like that.

But what about the things I get for people that they need? What about the way I can bless people through stuff I get that they need? God assured me that He's not dependent on my garage sale shopping to provide for those He loves.

Dang.

It's more than just garage sale shopping that's getting to me. God's messing with everything. There's nothing that's off limits anymore. If I were feeling snarky, I'd list everything He's taken away from me that I loved. But you know what? Everything He's taken away from me, I haven't missed. Everything He's taken away, He's replaced with something that brought me closer to Him. Whether or not that shows in my love for Him, in the way I talk, the things I do or the way I live, it's true.

I asked Him to prune from me anything that wasn't like Him. And boy has He.

I'm starting to wonder, "What else?" What else could there be? Not that I'm that good. Or great. I'm not. But what has this culture so ingrained in me that I think is totally okay that's not. If I want to be Holy, because He is Holy, what's next? Do I dare anticipate what's next?

I heard a message not too long ago about Luke 9. All of it was good, and I've reflected on the whole message for awhile, but this is the part that rings in my heart now. It's the last verse in Luke 9, "Jesus replied, "No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God."

I can honestly say that I want nothing more than to be fit for the service in the Kingdom of God. So once God gently pries something from the grip of my world loving hands, I can't and don't want to look back.

And it's more scary to ask, "What's next?" But you know what? What ever is next, I won't miss. I know that. Sure in some worldly way I'll say, "I miss ____ or ____ " But really? Do I miss it?

What will I look my Savior in the face when I get to Heaven and tell Him I wish I'd had more of? Anything temporal? Anything that we've created? Anything that He would have had no part of?

Is this all too heavy?

Yes.

Am I drowning?

Yes.

Do I trust Christ?

Yes.

Okay. Deep breath. It's all okay. He didn't transform me overnight because He knew that I couldn't handle that. He's working slowly, steadily, methodically. And I'm glad. Thankful. Blessed.

Why all this need?

I've come face to face with my inadequacies and insecurities here lately. One of them is this need for constant self expression. It doesn't seem normal, really. So I've been pondering why I have the need for it.

I can't remember a time when I didn't self express. Scrapbooking when I was a kid. Journaling up until the time I saw my first blog. Constantly sprouting thoughts and feelings. But those were private and just for me. Nobody had to know or care about what I was constantly thinking about or pondering...

Until the phenomenon of social media/blogs hit the mainstream. Then, suddenly, you can think out loud, and for what ever reason, people are interested! I have thoughts about why people are interested, and most of them aren't good. (I'll not go into that now.) I do actually think that anyone who reads this blog probably has at least 10 other things they should be doing at that moment rather than reading my rambles, but that's probably another post.

But for whatever reason, I felt the need to examine this need/desire to be heard. It's probably part of the only child syndrome that I cultivated for those 12 years I was an only child. Maybe? Or maybe it's not. I do like to blame things on those 12 years, though. It's nice to have that to fall back on.

I met an adorable teenager not too long ago. I don't know very many teens right now, and my life is very much lacking because of that fact. I adore teenagers, and can't wait to have one of my own. I admire their honestly and fresh look on life, among other things. So this particular girl appraised me through narrowly slit eyes, and said, "So what is your thing?"

I blinked and said, "Excuse me?"

She said, "You know, your thing. You look all.... artsy. So what's your thing."

In other words, "You dress like you're artsy, so you'd better be able to back it up."

Kinda like if you dress Emo, you'd better be Emo.

This isn't the first time this has come up. I was having a conversation with a new friend not too long ago. She said something kind of similar, but more in the "what do you like to do? " kind of way. (Perhaps I dressed like I looked like I had something I liked to do?) I laughed and told her I like to take snapshots. She got this puzzled look on her face and said, "Snapshots?"

See, this friend is the wife of a photographer that I am just blown away by. So I told her I couldn't tell her that I liked to take photographs, becuase that would sort of be like telling Michelangelo that you like to watercolor, like he does. She had the precious grace to roll her eyes and tell me I was a tad crazy. Yeah, well...

So back to the appraising teenager. I was left stammering something about liking to write and take pictures and uh, you know...

She looked slightly disappointed, like I should have told her I had a three story art studio where I had tons of natural light and created life-sized sculpture or something like that.

*sigh* Maybe I should start wearing Dockers and sensible shoes.

Because honestly, I don't know what my "thing" is. Maybe this is my thing. Talking. Or writing. Good grief. That's not a talent.

As I pondered this whole self expression thing, I got a little down on it, thinking that really it's just a narcissistic way of getting attention. "Look at me. LISTEN TO ME! I will NOT be ignored..." Really? I want everything in my life to be God-honoring and God-glorifying. How in the world is this going to be that?

And then my sweet Lord, oh He is so patient with me. (Thank you, Lord. Thank you.) He pointed out that He needs people to express. To talk. To write. To share.

I mean, I am good at that. I'm not sure at what number of an audience I'd be nervous in front of, but so far, I haven't found it. I mean, I'd probably get nervous, but I'd talk anyway. That's probably not hard to imagine. There's not a subject I won't talk about (as evidenced by this blog) and there's no thing I won't discuss. I mean, won't God, couldn't God use that? Couldn't that be a ministry?

I hope so. Because aside from appearing like I'm an artiste, I'm not sure what other talents I have that God is going to use. (Writing, speaking, talking, hugging...?)

Oh, or maybe that pondering thing. I guess He could use that. I had a dear friend, who is blessed with the gift of faith (oh that elusive gift of faith that is so foreign to me) tell me that I needed to "just let things go" instead of pondering them so much. I rared up a little (a lot) and said, "Fine, what if C.S. Lewis had 'just let it go'? What about Tozer or Spoul or Packer or Bounds? And countless others? What if they had all let it go? Where would we be now?" Sorely missing them and their writings, I'm sure...

(and I am SO not equating myself with those guys. That's just laughable. Where are the women, by the way? Don't women theologians write books? I'm sure they do. I just haven't found them yet. Don't they? Aren't there some?)

I can't let things go. I don't know how. And honestly, I don't want to.

Anyway, God has used my ponderings. I see that. I just have to be careful to ponder the correct things. And then write about those things. Then maybe, just maybe, I can wear my black Converse with pride. I earned those shoes with my ponderings. And my writing. And my talking. And I can save the Dockers for when I'm.... okay, well, never.

Read this now.

Don't Be Afraid

- Posted using BlogPress

Spring Break '10

The irony was that I didn't plan for us to have a Spring Break. We were way behind in school, so I thought we'd just plow through and maybe play in the afternoons. Our surprise beach trip took care of Monday and Tuesday, and Wednesday we had plans all day. Honestly I decided that I didn't want to do two days of school, so Thursday and Friday we played literally all of both of those days. Saturday we spent all day with friends and Sunday was spent with family.

We had so much fun, and I'm glad now that we took the week off. We'll make up the school somehow. The house will get clean, the laundry will get done. It will magically get done, and I'll forget the disaster it all is now. The fun we had, the friends we are blessed with, the time we all had together far outweighs the responsibilities that were shoved aside for one week.

I never get tired of saying how blessed we are with friends. God has been so generous with the people He has put in our lives, and I never EVER take that for granted. I know that it's not usual to have this many people that love you, and I thank God for His blessings. There are so many people that I didn't get pictures of that we spent time with this fabulous week, and know that I love you and treasure you also! More than you know, really.

Thank you, Lord, for a week where You showed me Your love in such a tangible way. Thank you for the people in my life who love me for who and what I am, and ignore how very hard I make it for them to love me at times. Thank you for their patience, their devotion and their love. Thank you for the presence they are in my childrens' lives and for their love for them. I am truly blessed.

Make your own slideshow

Beach!!!

Allen texted me at 4:30 on Friday and said, "Beach. We're leaving at 10 in the morning. Free place to stay. Coming home Tuesday."

Um, okay. Now I've always wanted my husband to plan a spontaneous trip somewhere, and I was glad he did. Then I panicked. I usually take a week to plan a beach trip. Clean the house. Make lists. Pack. Plan. Not this time!

I didn't start packing until the next morning really, since I didn't tell the kids we were going until the next morning. I did it! I didn't freak out, I didn't panic and I didn't drive anyone crazy. (so he says.)

The condo was gorgeous. Just beautiful. We were so glad to be there. It was cold. I mean COLD. Saturday through Sunday night we had what they called "pre-hurricane winds." 40 mile an hour winds. And they were cold. We had fun anyway. And being at the beach in the cold was an assault on the senses. Cold and beach weren't used in the same sentence until now. I liked it. I liked having the doors on the balcony open. I liked being cold at the beach.

You know, just because. It's Zane.

We played Putt-Putt for the first time ever, rode Go Karts for the first time too and ate way too much fabulous food. I got to read a lot, the kids played and we came home feeling like we had a great vacation-some time away. I'm so thankful for God's blessing. And for sweet friends who share the wealth! :)