Another church post

Our search for a church was a hard one. I had a list of things I wanted in a church. (I'm just going to present all these facts like they are and not apologize for any of them. It's the new me.)

Here was my list:

1. Close to home and in my community
2. Not Baptist
3. Not too big. Or a smallish church, really
4. Good kid's program
5. Good music

There is probably more, like some parking lot nonsense or something equally as stupid. 

*sigh*

I didn't know much about our (now) church when we started looking for a church. Matter of fact, my sweet friend kept telling me to listen to this pastor's podcasts, but I didn't even know what a podcast was, much less have any desire to listen to one. She mentioned this one particular sermon I needed to listen to, and I kept ignoring her (which I never, ever do typically *ahem*) until...

The sermon she kept telling me to listen to was one about moral failure in the church.  I didn't want to listen for a long time. Our last church had struggled with this very issue, and finally I guess I just decided to give in and listen.

I mean, what could it hurt?

So I flipped on the computer and found the link. The screen came alive and for a few minutes I thought I had the wrong church. The guy I was looking at looked about 20. Maybe. I finally figured out that I was at the right place, and I sat back in my chair and crossed my arms. "I'll give it 10 minutes." I didn't think I'd need much more than that.

Remember, I'm just offering facts here, right?

I think it was at about the 7 minute mark where I uncrossed my arms, sat up in my chair and stopped giving this guy the stink eye. 

I rewound back to the beginning of the sermon, opened up my notebook and proceeded to take about 5 pages of notes. Maybe more. (I still have them, somewhere.)

I think something in my heart got hopeful that night. I got encouraged about the search for our next church. 

But I didn't want to go to this guy's church. It was big, far away, and in a community much different than my own. I had my list, remember?

When we started the actual church search, I told my husband that I wanted to go check this church out. I just needed to see this guy in action. I think I wondered if it was all real. If he was sincere. I thought if I could see it all in person, then I would know. I needed to see the building, the people, the worship and the way it all worked. I was just curious.

But, I reminded my husband, "I do not want to join there." I just wanted to visit.

So we did. We visited. And I wrote this later that day.

I still didn't want to join. Nope.

We visited other churches. We liked some. I wanted to join one.

We went back to this church. We visited again. On the way home, Allen said, "We're joining there."

I choked a little.

What? NO!

"I don't want to join there!" I sputtered. "Are you asking me if I want to join, or are you telling me?"

He shrugged. "We'll attend for a year and then join."

That was that.

But my list. What about my list?

*sigh* 

Oh, fine. 

I thought it was a risky move. But I said, "Fine." And I'm sure I was super kind about it too. :)

Although I am reveling in my solitude, my fatigue has now overtaken everything. There will now be a Part 2 of this epic post. And I'm quite sure that in 4 years, as I'm cleaning this blog up yet again, I'll think to myself, "Gosh, I rambled on forever..." As always.

Church

There is so much going on here. I need a good solid 4 hours alone, let me repeat - in solitude, with my computer to get all this stuff rolling around in my head out.

I say that a lot.

It's not totally my fault. We are in week 3 of an 11 week study on the book of Acts. 

I'm not sure I can do this for 11 weeks. My brain is exhausted.

Then my friend Matt writes this post the other day.

And I realized that 3 years ago tomorrow, I attended my first ever service at our now church. 

There is just a lot here. (Did I already say that?)

I'm trying to clean up and organize my blog, which let me say, is a task that has simply made me want to delete this whole thing. That is a whole other post right there, but goodness. This is a lot of nonsense, is mostly what this is. :)

Anyway.

As I was cleaning things up, I found this post. 

What do I want in a church?

I noticed that I didn't write "At what church does God want me?"

Yeah. The thing about going backwards with this blog is I see how far God has so patiently brought me. And I get ashamed at where I once was. I even blogged about that already (Blue like what?), so I'll just say, "That's where I was, this is where I am, and please, Lord Jesus, take me so much further on."

And He will. (And one day I'm going to look back on these posts and be so very embarrassed. I do realize that!)

But the funny thing is that I love that I wrote that post. The church one up there. Because I get to read that and see what God was getting my heart ready for. That's pretty amazing. 

It's been nearly 3 years since I first set a foot in my church. I've reflected so much on what those past 3 years have looked like. I honestly don't think I could ever really put it into words. 

 And I know my church isn't perfect. Really. I do. 

What I want to do, though, during this sweet little anniversary (because I'm a sentimental sap) is to just spend some time thanking God for leading us there; praying for my church, staff and elders; and for the body of believers that I worship with every Sunday.

(I mean humbly add that I do that anyway, but I want it to be more of a matter of concentrated prayer with celebration added in. If that makes any sense.)

And I'll work on my other church post now, since I have {{gasp}} quiet. And solitude. :)

Bizarre

I don't go to iTunes much, but I did today to purchase a song. I've never noticed their "Recommended for You" section. I did today, though.

I was puzzled a bit by their recommendations for me: 

Willie Nelson "On the Road Again" and Santana's "Black Magic Woman"?

(There is no reason at all for that picture, since it's unreadable, but I worked hard to get it there, so I'm leaving it.)

Ah, iTunes, you don't know me at all. There were a couple of songs I might have liked on there, but that's it. 

On a completely unrelated note, I'm considering buying Amos Lee's new album with my (hub's) iTunes gift cards. He doesn't seem to notice when I take the Starbucks or the iTunes gift cards. Merry Christmas to me!

Faith

As I walked the other day, I was pondering my lack of faith. (Again) It's an issue I've wrestled with my whole life, but especially for the last several years. As I talked with my sister the other night, I realized that there were some fundamental reasons that I lack faith in the One I love so much (and in people too.) The conversation is what got me pondering this issue again, and the insight didn't comfort me, necessarily, but more frustrated me. 

Why is it so hard for me to just trust Him?

My thoughts landed on the verse that I turn to so often.

It really starts with Hebrews 12:1 ~

Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us,

Um, yeah. This is a race. Everyday is a race. A mad dash, sprint at the end of a race. A marathon of a bad dash. It feels that way anyhow.

But here's where my thoughts landed that morning, and where they've stayed: Hebrews 12:2~

...fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

I repeat the "fixing [my] eyes on Jesus" part a lot.

But that day, the Holy Spirit said, "Hey. I am the author and perfecter of your faith. Right?"

OH. Yeah.

Huh.

He whispered, "You have faith because of Me. I am here to help you in that lack of faith. To remind you of your saving faith. To help live strongly in your faith of Me, my love for you and of my promises to you."

Philippians 1:6 perhaps:

For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.

That's good. 

I don't trust easily, and that extends to God, unfortunately. I'm thankful that He's not going to allow me to rest in distrust of Him or anything to do with Him. If fact, He reminds me that it's sin. Sin against a Holy God. I want to freely love and trust Him, and for me that involves a lot of work. I have to continually make the choice to trust and have simple faith in Him. Yes, that's empowered by the Spirit, and that is what Christ reminded me on that cold morning. My hard, determined work aided and sustained by Him.

He is the perfecter of what I am so bad at. 

And that's really, really good.

Challenge Word

My 6 year old boy is such a strange student. He good at the parts of school where boys are typically good - math and science. He's a good reader, thankfully. He doesn't like to write but he is a good speller. (Can we all pause to thank the good Lord that the spelling gene wasn't passed to my two older kids?) He really doesn't like school, but he's good at it. If I can make him forget he's doing school, he's fine. 

Strange. At least he's a good speller.

Cue my frustration when today he was struggling to spell "hit." Yep. H*I*T. 

Dude. I know you were up late with the craziness of the Steeler win, but you have to work with me here. 

This situation melted down until he couldn't even remember what vowels were. 

I would like to state that I remained calm, cool, collected and encouraging throughout this entire ordeal. (Never mind that the 4 year old chose that moment to play the piano which is 2 feet from where we were sitting after I had already told him not to. And never mind that the suddenly caustic 9 year old girl kid thought that him not remembering the his vowels was the funniest thing ever.)

Okay, fine. I didn't. Remain calm, cool and collected that is.

I think I only said, "Dude, seriously...?" about 5 times. (I don't even think anyone says, "Dude" anymore, but that's how it is with us homeschoolers. We stay behind the times.)

He eventually did remember his vowels, and eventually spelled the blasted hit.

Next up? Spelling test. 

Oh yes. No mercy for the weak and tired. 

So he has 10 words, all of which he got correct.

Then he has 3 challenge words. As I got ready to call out the challenge words, he leveled a look at me and said, "You ought to make 'hit' one of my challenge words."

I laughed. A lot. I was pretty proud of that self depreciating, yet light hearted look at our situation.

I then got the opportunity to explain a very profound and complicated phenomeon. 

The brain fart. 

They liked that. A lot. 

More wagon wheel

In our sermon from last Sunday, the pastor used this quote. It's from a sermon called, "God's Providence" by Charles Spurgeon:

I believe that every particle of dust that dances in the sunbeam does not move an atom more or less than God wishes—that every particle of spray that dashes against the steamboat has its orbit as well as the sun in the heavens—that the chaff from the hand of the winnower is steered as the stars in their courses. The creeping of an aphid over the rosebud is as much fixed as the march of the devastating pestilence—the fall of sere leaves from a poplar is as fully ordained as the tumbling of an avalanche.

I needed to see it written down, so I set out to read it in its full context. Boy. I'm really glad I did.

I wrote this blog post about the wagon wheel a while back. The following quote was in the same sermon as the above quote, and it jumped out at me:

 You know that, in a wheel there is one portion that never turns round, that stands steadfast; and that is the axle. So in God's Providence, there is an axle which never moves. Christian, here is a sweet thought for thee! Thy state is ever changing; sometimes thou art exalted, and sometimes depressed; yet there is an unmoving point in thy state. What is that axle? What is the pivot upon which all the machinery revolves? It is the axle of God's everlasting love toward his covenant people. The exterior of the wheel is changing, but the center stands forever fixed. Other things may move; but God's love never moves: it is the axle of the wheel; and this is another reason why Providence should be compared to a wheel.

Oh the whole sermon just brought me to tears. (I'm so thankful to God for the way He works.)

I'm putting it here so I can go read it again. And maybe again...

God's Providence

Hard topic

***Edited to add: I sat on this blog post for 12 hours. I have never done that. I sent this to two friends whom I trust to get their opinions because I was so terribly afraid of being misinterpreted or misunderstood. Then I talked it out with another sweet friend.  So I'm tossing it out there. I hope it lands well. :)

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I really don't have time for this right now, but if I don't get this out of my head, it's going to explode.

This is the link that started my head twirling:

Avoid the Appearence of Evil 

  

Oh boy.

First let me say this. I have been a part of a church where infidelity invaded the staff. I can't adequately describe the hurt and betrayal that the church felt. It was horrible.  I have also watched two amazing, Godly women I love dearly suffer at the hand of this wretched sin just recently. It's destroying families. I know this. I see this. I mourn this.

I've always admired Billy Grahams' approach to women. He wouldn't even ride in the elevator alone with a woman. I have always thought that was commendable. 

Until last night, I thought about how it would feel to be that woman with whom Billy Graham wouldn't ride in the elevator with. 

So when I read this last night, I was surprised at the emotions that welled up in me. This list made me sad. It made me paranoid. It made me question. And I hate all of that.

I think why it makes me so sad is because just the simple face that is that you are a woman, you are not going to be ministered to, talked to, addressed directly, encouraged, prayed with, hugged or joked with all because someone may think something is up.

It paints the picture of women being predators, begging some unsuspecting man to fall into her snare. 

It almost punishes the woman for being a woman. 

And I really can get over all of that. Really, I can. I get it.

Here's where I'm stuck. 

It's a heart issue. I think it's apparent that if a man cheats, it's because his heart wants to cheat. He's out of fellowship with Christ and he is looking to cheat. To that end, no list of rules is going to keep you from cheating. If you want to cheat, you're gonna cheat. 

It's like us telling teens, "BE PURE. Don't dally in sexual things."

No no no no no. Don't do that. Don't tell anyone the RULES. Teach them to love Christ passionately. Teach them to read, love, treasure and obey His WORD. Teach them to pray and to praise and to worship and to study. Teach them to listen to and walk by the Spirit's voice. Then the Holy Spirit will so fill their lives and their hearts and their spirits that they won't desire to defile themselves and grievously sin against a Holy God. 

And here's where the danger is. Women start to feel guilty for being women. I find myself wanting to apologize for being a woman. 

If I weren't a woman, I could freely email a staff member. If I weren't a woman, then I wouldn't make someone uncomfortable when we speak, etc etc.

I guess it's feels like this: "If I limit contact with women, I won't commit adultery."

To me, it's liking saying, "If I don't eat, I won't gain weight," 

I have to eat. So let me make good decisions about what I eat based on my heart being right before my God. 

And the whole appearance of evil thing is valid. I get that. I do have a problem or two with that, though.

First of all, if you see a man and a woman talking or riding somewhere together or whatever,  and the first thing you think is, "There's something up with them..." then there's something wrong with you. 

Second of all, if I live my life so that I make so sure I avoid all appearances of evil, or don't make anyone else stumble, I'm doing several things. 1. I'm over estimating my influence over other. 2. I'm removing the power of the Holy Spirit to convict and direct in someone else's life. 3. I'm going to censor or second guess my self constantly, and I really, really hate doing that.

Look, I don't want men to sin. I want them to love their wives and love them well, fully dedicated to her spiritual growth and well being. I want husbands to be the spiritual leaders, guarding and protecting their wives and families. I want them to devote themselves to their wives second only to God. I pray that way for the marriages I know. I am encouraged and inspirited by the beautiful relationships I see around me.

Maybe I have this all wrong. Perhaps these rules are good and wise and really serve their purpose. Maybe they are protecting numerous people from sinning and that is a good thing. Perhaps if these rules prevent one instance of sin then there isn't a discussion at all. They are good and that's the end of it.

I don't know why this hits me hard today. I don't know why I'm struggling. I feel the need to say too that I don't want any liberties that aren't mine. I don't want to talk to someone if it's not appropriate. I don't want to break or bend any rules. I don't want to sin or look like I'm sinning. I don't want to do anything to damage my relationship with my God or my family or my friends. I don't want the freedom to do anything I want to. 

I think I'm just weighing all this out here, and honestly I don't know exactly how I feel about it. It doesn't matter to me if someone doesn't want to minister to me in some way because I'm a woman.  I'm good with that. 

I think I'm just arguing with myself here. And I can do that, since, you know, this is sort of my world and I'm the Queen. :)

And I would also like to say that for the most part, a lot of those rules are common sense. They should be enforced.

Here is another thought provoking look at the same subject:

Anne Jackson's Blog

So I don't know. I don't know what I think. But I do feel like I've emptied my brain of this subject, and I'm glad about that. Whew.