Faith

As I walked the other day, I was pondering my lack of faith. (Again) It's an issue I've wrestled with my whole life, but especially for the last several years. As I talked with my sister the other night, I realized that there were some fundamental reasons that I lack faith in the One I love so much (and in people too.) The conversation is what got me pondering this issue again, and the insight didn't comfort me, necessarily, but more frustrated me. 

Why is it so hard for me to just trust Him?

My thoughts landed on the verse that I turn to so often.

It really starts with Hebrews 12:1 ~

Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us,

Um, yeah. This is a race. Everyday is a race. A mad dash, sprint at the end of a race. A marathon of a bad dash. It feels that way anyhow.

But here's where my thoughts landed that morning, and where they've stayed: Hebrews 12:2~

...fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

I repeat the "fixing [my] eyes on Jesus" part a lot.

But that day, the Holy Spirit said, "Hey. I am the author and perfecter of your faith. Right?"

OH. Yeah.

Huh.

He whispered, "You have faith because of Me. I am here to help you in that lack of faith. To remind you of your saving faith. To help live strongly in your faith of Me, my love for you and of my promises to you."

Philippians 1:6 perhaps:

For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.

That's good. 

I don't trust easily, and that extends to God, unfortunately. I'm thankful that He's not going to allow me to rest in distrust of Him or anything to do with Him. If fact, He reminds me that it's sin. Sin against a Holy God. I want to freely love and trust Him, and for me that involves a lot of work. I have to continually make the choice to trust and have simple faith in Him. Yes, that's empowered by the Spirit, and that is what Christ reminded me on that cold morning. My hard, determined work aided and sustained by Him.

He is the perfecter of what I am so bad at. 

And that's really, really good.

Challenge Word

My 6 year old boy is such a strange student. He good at the parts of school where boys are typically good - math and science. He's a good reader, thankfully. He doesn't like to write but he is a good speller. (Can we all pause to thank the good Lord that the spelling gene wasn't passed to my two older kids?) He really doesn't like school, but he's good at it. If I can make him forget he's doing school, he's fine. 

Strange. At least he's a good speller.

Cue my frustration when today he was struggling to spell "hit." Yep. H*I*T. 

Dude. I know you were up late with the craziness of the Steeler win, but you have to work with me here. 

This situation melted down until he couldn't even remember what vowels were. 

I would like to state that I remained calm, cool, collected and encouraging throughout this entire ordeal. (Never mind that the 4 year old chose that moment to play the piano which is 2 feet from where we were sitting after I had already told him not to. And never mind that the suddenly caustic 9 year old girl kid thought that him not remembering the his vowels was the funniest thing ever.)

Okay, fine. I didn't. Remain calm, cool and collected that is.

I think I only said, "Dude, seriously...?" about 5 times. (I don't even think anyone says, "Dude" anymore, but that's how it is with us homeschoolers. We stay behind the times.)

He eventually did remember his vowels, and eventually spelled the blasted hit.

Next up? Spelling test. 

Oh yes. No mercy for the weak and tired. 

So he has 10 words, all of which he got correct.

Then he has 3 challenge words. As I got ready to call out the challenge words, he leveled a look at me and said, "You ought to make 'hit' one of my challenge words."

I laughed. A lot. I was pretty proud of that self depreciating, yet light hearted look at our situation.

I then got the opportunity to explain a very profound and complicated phenomeon. 

The brain fart. 

They liked that. A lot. 

More wagon wheel

In our sermon from last Sunday, the pastor used this quote. It's from a sermon called, "God's Providence" by Charles Spurgeon:

I believe that every particle of dust that dances in the sunbeam does not move an atom more or less than God wishes—that every particle of spray that dashes against the steamboat has its orbit as well as the sun in the heavens—that the chaff from the hand of the winnower is steered as the stars in their courses. The creeping of an aphid over the rosebud is as much fixed as the march of the devastating pestilence—the fall of sere leaves from a poplar is as fully ordained as the tumbling of an avalanche.

I needed to see it written down, so I set out to read it in its full context. Boy. I'm really glad I did.

I wrote this blog post about the wagon wheel a while back. The following quote was in the same sermon as the above quote, and it jumped out at me:

 You know that, in a wheel there is one portion that never turns round, that stands steadfast; and that is the axle. So in God's Providence, there is an axle which never moves. Christian, here is a sweet thought for thee! Thy state is ever changing; sometimes thou art exalted, and sometimes depressed; yet there is an unmoving point in thy state. What is that axle? What is the pivot upon which all the machinery revolves? It is the axle of God's everlasting love toward his covenant people. The exterior of the wheel is changing, but the center stands forever fixed. Other things may move; but God's love never moves: it is the axle of the wheel; and this is another reason why Providence should be compared to a wheel.

Oh the whole sermon just brought me to tears. (I'm so thankful to God for the way He works.)

I'm putting it here so I can go read it again. And maybe again...

God's Providence

Hard topic

***Edited to add: I sat on this blog post for 12 hours. I have never done that. I sent this to two friends whom I trust to get their opinions because I was so terribly afraid of being misinterpreted or misunderstood. Then I talked it out with another sweet friend.  So I'm tossing it out there. I hope it lands well. :)

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I really don't have time for this right now, but if I don't get this out of my head, it's going to explode.

This is the link that started my head twirling:

Avoid the Appearence of Evil 

  

Oh boy.

First let me say this. I have been a part of a church where infidelity invaded the staff. I can't adequately describe the hurt and betrayal that the church felt. It was horrible.  I have also watched two amazing, Godly women I love dearly suffer at the hand of this wretched sin just recently. It's destroying families. I know this. I see this. I mourn this.

I've always admired Billy Grahams' approach to women. He wouldn't even ride in the elevator alone with a woman. I have always thought that was commendable. 

Until last night, I thought about how it would feel to be that woman with whom Billy Graham wouldn't ride in the elevator with. 

So when I read this last night, I was surprised at the emotions that welled up in me. This list made me sad. It made me paranoid. It made me question. And I hate all of that.

I think why it makes me so sad is because just the simple face that is that you are a woman, you are not going to be ministered to, talked to, addressed directly, encouraged, prayed with, hugged or joked with all because someone may think something is up.

It paints the picture of women being predators, begging some unsuspecting man to fall into her snare. 

It almost punishes the woman for being a woman. 

And I really can get over all of that. Really, I can. I get it.

Here's where I'm stuck. 

It's a heart issue. I think it's apparent that if a man cheats, it's because his heart wants to cheat. He's out of fellowship with Christ and he is looking to cheat. To that end, no list of rules is going to keep you from cheating. If you want to cheat, you're gonna cheat. 

It's like us telling teens, "BE PURE. Don't dally in sexual things."

No no no no no. Don't do that. Don't tell anyone the RULES. Teach them to love Christ passionately. Teach them to read, love, treasure and obey His WORD. Teach them to pray and to praise and to worship and to study. Teach them to listen to and walk by the Spirit's voice. Then the Holy Spirit will so fill their lives and their hearts and their spirits that they won't desire to defile themselves and grievously sin against a Holy God. 

And here's where the danger is. Women start to feel guilty for being women. I find myself wanting to apologize for being a woman. 

If I weren't a woman, I could freely email a staff member. If I weren't a woman, then I wouldn't make someone uncomfortable when we speak, etc etc.

I guess it's feels like this: "If I limit contact with women, I won't commit adultery."

To me, it's liking saying, "If I don't eat, I won't gain weight," 

I have to eat. So let me make good decisions about what I eat based on my heart being right before my God. 

And the whole appearance of evil thing is valid. I get that. I do have a problem or two with that, though.

First of all, if you see a man and a woman talking or riding somewhere together or whatever,  and the first thing you think is, "There's something up with them..." then there's something wrong with you. 

Second of all, if I live my life so that I make so sure I avoid all appearances of evil, or don't make anyone else stumble, I'm doing several things. 1. I'm over estimating my influence over other. 2. I'm removing the power of the Holy Spirit to convict and direct in someone else's life. 3. I'm going to censor or second guess my self constantly, and I really, really hate doing that.

Look, I don't want men to sin. I want them to love their wives and love them well, fully dedicated to her spiritual growth and well being. I want husbands to be the spiritual leaders, guarding and protecting their wives and families. I want them to devote themselves to their wives second only to God. I pray that way for the marriages I know. I am encouraged and inspirited by the beautiful relationships I see around me.

Maybe I have this all wrong. Perhaps these rules are good and wise and really serve their purpose. Maybe they are protecting numerous people from sinning and that is a good thing. Perhaps if these rules prevent one instance of sin then there isn't a discussion at all. They are good and that's the end of it.

I don't know why this hits me hard today. I don't know why I'm struggling. I feel the need to say too that I don't want any liberties that aren't mine. I don't want to talk to someone if it's not appropriate. I don't want to break or bend any rules. I don't want to sin or look like I'm sinning. I don't want to do anything to damage my relationship with my God or my family or my friends. I don't want the freedom to do anything I want to. 

I think I'm just weighing all this out here, and honestly I don't know exactly how I feel about it. It doesn't matter to me if someone doesn't want to minister to me in some way because I'm a woman.  I'm good with that. 

I think I'm just arguing with myself here. And I can do that, since, you know, this is sort of my world and I'm the Queen. :)

And I would also like to say that for the most part, a lot of those rules are common sense. They should be enforced.

Here is another thought provoking look at the same subject:

Anne Jackson's Blog

So I don't know. I don't know what I think. But I do feel like I've emptied my brain of this subject, and I'm glad about that. Whew. 

Great is Thy Faithfulness

"Amazing Grace" is my new favorite movie. The soundtrack is just beautiful. I was listening as I cleaned the kitchen, and this song just pricked my heart, and my worship of Him just flowed out of me.

I needed to see the lyrics, so here they are:

Great is Thy faithfulness, O God my Father;
There is no shadow of turning with Thee;
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not;
As Thou hast been, Thou forever will be.

Refrain

Great is Thy faithfulness!
Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!

Summer and winter and springtime and harvest,
Sun, moon and stars in their courses above
Join with all nature in manifold witness
To Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love.

Refrain

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth
Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide;
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!

Refrain 

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This is the version I'm listening to at the moment:

I'm so in love with hymns right now. 

Maybe it's because we're singing hymns at church right now. Maybe it's because I see the beauty of these old hymns in a way I haven't seen before. Maybe it's because they seem so refreshing and inspiring after years of singing "contemporary" songs. (Now I don't dislike contemporary worship songs. That's not what this is about.)

Maybe it was singing "I Surrender All" and it NOT being during an extended invitation at the end of a message that led me to the beauty and simplicity of that song and reminded me of how much I love these hymns I sang so absentmindedly as a kid and young adult.

 I'm so glad my kids are being exposed to them. I LOVE that they heard "I'll Fly Away" for the first time last week and said it was their new favorite song. I'm so thankful for these simple expressions of devotion. I mean "Trust and Obey"? That will preach. To me, anyway...

I mean come on... 

When we walk with the Lord
  In the light of His Word,
What a glory He sheds on our way;
  While we do His good will,
  He abides with us still,
And with all who will trust and obey.

    Trust and obey,
    For there's no other way
    To be happy in Jesus,
      But to trust and obey.

Not a shadow can rise,
  Not a cloud in the skies,
But His smile quickly drives it away;
  Not a doubt or a fear,
  Not a sigh or a tear,
Can abide while we trust and obey.

Not a burden we bear,
  Not a sorrow we share,
But our toil He doth richly repay;
  Not a grief or a loss,
  Not a frown or a cross,
But is blest if we trust and obey.

But we never can prove
  The delights of His love,
Until all on the altar we lay;
  For the favor He shows,
  And the joy He bestows,
Are for them who will trust and obey.

Then in fellowship sweet
  We will sit at His feet,
Or we'll walk by His side in the way;
  What He says we will do;
  Where He sends. we will go,
Never fear, only trust and obey.
 

In my church growing up, we sang "How Great Thou Art" to close every single service. A way to run song clear in the ground must be to sing it too much. (I'm sure this was done with good intent. It is a good song. Maybe it deserves to be sung at the close of every service.) It closes out the "Amazing Grace" soundtrack and as I listened with fresh ears, I got chills and tears. 

O Lord my God, When I in awesome wonder,
Consider all the worlds Thy Hands have made;
I see the stars, I hear the rolling thunder,
Thy power throughout the universe displayed.


Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art.
Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art!


When through the woods, and forest glades I wander,
And hear the birds sing sweetly in the trees.
When I look down, from lofty mountain grandeur
And see the brook, and feel the gentle breeze.


Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art.
Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art!


And when I think, that God, His Son not sparing;
Sent Him to die, I scarce can take it in;
That on the Cross, my burden gladly bearing,
He bled and died to take away my sin.


Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art.
Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art!


When Christ shall come, with shout of acclamation,
And take me home, what joy shall fill my heart.
Then I shall bow, in humble adoration,
And then proclaim: "My God, how great Thou art!"


Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art.
Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art!

One more:

(May I add that when I sing to myself, in my head, I sound just like Carrie Underwood?  So glad I nailed down of whom I remind myself.) 

I'm on a hymn rampage. I can't get enough. And I think I stole a hymnal from our old church. Or perhaps I was given the hymnal when our  church bought new ones. Yeah, I'm going with that. Anyway, I'm about to locate that sucker and sing aloud these great hymns as part of my worship this week. And you know what? I'm going to sing every single 3rd stanza. 

Fear Not...

I ordered this book for a friend:

It came to my house, and before I gave it to her, I opened it up and read a few pages. 

She never got her book. 

I guess I should call doubt, worry and fear a "blind spot," or blind spots as the case may be, in my life. I am ashamed to say that I didn't get from Scripture what I am getting from this book. This book is using Scripture to show me how much I allowed these things to dominate my life. And though I  knew that I struggled with these things to an extent, I didn't realize how detrimental they were to my walk and to my relationship with Christ.

I won't outline everything I'm learning, but I will say this. 

The author pointed out that over 300 times in Scripture, the exhortation "Fear not..." is given. His point was that the simple fact that this command is repeated so often gives us a clue as to how important, and damaging and sinful, fear is.

A quick search of the phrase "Fear Not..." at Biblos.com yielded 446 results. I'm going to look them up and write them down. 

I found two of them yesterday reading in Joel.

They are everywhere.

Did God know we, that I, would struggle with fear? And doubt? And worry? Is that why He allowed His Word to be saturated with commands to not dance with these things? Not to play with them? Entertain them? Allow them to be my companions?

This book is showing me what I'm mourning that I could not see on my own. These things are sin against a Holy God.

I knew this. I just didn't live it.

If you have ever thought you might perhaps have a tendency towards fear, worry and/or anxiety, please get this book. The author's gentle manner and use of Scripture will challenge you and comfort you all at the same time.

I guess I need to order another one for my friend. I'm keeping this one. 

Running Scared 

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Where is your mother?

I used to be really judgmental. I'd hear about something happening to a kid and I think, "Gosh, where was their mother?"

This was a long time ago. Before I lost a kid at Home Depot. And before a neighbor brought a  little girl kid of mine to the front door and said, "Um, she was outside in the front yard..."(I can neither confirm or deny that there may be other stories similar to these...)

So yeah, now when I hear something happened to a kid, I think, "Oh yeah, that could totally happen to me..."

For instance.

The girl kid likes to look at pictures on the computer while I cook dinner. So tonight all three of the kids were giggling gathered around the computer. I've been at this long enough to know that giggling usually means something's up.

They were looking at this picture:

Fine. Yeah, it's funny and all. But I look at this picture and I see the glass and iron bedside tables that are on each side of the bed. I see stitches, broken bones and more monthly payments to another hospital. And more.

(because I'm totally not a huge worrier or anything like that...)

I screeched, "WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING?????"

The girl got a small voice and said, "We call it 'Rocket'."

"AND WHERE WAS I???" I screeched again.

"Cooking breakfast," came the reply.

Good grief.

I probably thought they were upstairs cleaning their rooms or something like that. 

Stinkers.

And yes, "Rocket" is no longer an acceptable game at our house.

I wonder what else I don't know about what goes on around here...