Thank you

I'm not going to lie. I didn't want to get out of bed this morning. Well, actually, I didn't even want to stay in bed, because there all that was pressing me down was really pressing. So I got up and did what I knew I needed to. I got my Bible. I plowed back in with King David. And I had a feeling that God was about to really just take me where I needed to go.

And boy. did. He. David cried a lot for rescue. And man, who wouldn't? Well, Christ.

John 12:27-28

"...Now My soul as become troubled; and what shall I say, 'Father, save me from this hour? But for this purpose I came to this hour. Father, glorify Your name...' "

Good morning, God. I'm awake now.

Okay, Lord, don't rescue me from my circumstances. Teach me from them. Glorify You through me through them. The circumstances, I mean.

And God sent me straight back to Hebrews 6:11-12:

"...And we desire that each of you show the same diligence so as to realize the full assurance of hope until the end, so that you will not be sluggish, but imitators of those who through faith and patience inherit the promises..."

David got tired. He got weak. He made decisions out of that desperation.

1 Samuel 27:1

"Then David said to himself, "Now I will perish one day by the hand of Saul. There is nothing better for me than to escape into the land of the Philistines. Saul then will despair of searching for me anymore in all the territory of Israel, and I will escape from his hand."

Then verse 2, "So David arose and crossed over..."

And I feel it. I feel his desperation. I feel his panic. I feel his solitude. We know how it works out. I stand on the side, jumping up and down and saying, "DAVID! Hang on!! You're almost there. Just a few more years. (3 actually) HANG ON. Don't lose faith. Don't run out of patience. Don't do it. Don't go...!"

Don't you know that if David knew he had 3 more years, he could have hung in there? It had been 7 already. He was on the downward slope. But he lost faith. And he lost patience. Oh, sweet David. We all would have too. And we do. I do. I am.

But God had 3 more years of things to teach David. He wasn't through with David yet. God couldn't let David go until He had fully prepared him, so that God could get the glory He deserved but also so that David could do his job as well as God wanted him to. David was in boot camp, and he was trying to get out early. He just couldn't take it anymore.

He really thought Saul was going to get him.

So he made a rash decision outside of God's will. The Philistines? Dude, have you forgotten that you slayed a big one of them not all that long ago? Why go to your enemies?

Why do I? Flee to the temporal comforts that I know aren't good for me? What are my Philistines? Don't make me tell you, because I don't want to.

He thought hiding out with the Philistines would protect him from Saul. I'm feeling him. I get it.

"How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long shall I take counsel in my soul, having sorrow in my heart daily? How long will my enemy be exalted over me?" Psalm 13:1-2

When we visited Peavine Falls, I was shocked at how cold the water was. Shockingly cold and refreshing. I wanted to stand under the water fall and feel that icy cold water flow over me. I didn't, but I felt that way this morning. I felt the Spirit pour out over me this Word. It shocked me out of my... oh whatever I was. I was certainly in need of refreshment. Oh boy was I.

Then I grabbed my music and headed out. I have come to desperately need the time with the Lord that I get pounding the pavement of my neighborhood. I need that time, poured out in front of Him. Meditating on His Word. Praying. Being still before Him. Listening to Him.

I wonder if Pandora knows that God is in charge of their play list? Just as He brought me the Word that I needed from David, He sent me a soundtrack for my time with him:

Hillsong - "Salvation is Here"

God above all the world in motion


God above all my hopes and fears


I don't care what the world throws at me now


It's gonna be alright




Hear the sound of the generations


Making loud our freedom song


All in all that the world would know Your name


It's gonna be alright






'Cause I know my God saved the day


And I know His word never fails


And I know my God made a way for me


Salvation is here






God above all the world in motion


God above all my hopes and fears


I don't care what the world throws at me now


It's gonna be alright



'Cause I know my God saved the day

And I know His word never fails


And I know my God made a way for me


Salvation is here



'Cause I know my God saved the day

And I know His word never fails

And I know my God made a way for me

Salvation is here...






Lincoln Brewster - "Amazed"

You dance over me while I am unaware

You sing all around but I never hear the sound








Lord I'm amazed by You

Lord I'm amazed by You

Lord I'm amazed by You

And how You love me





You paint the morning sky with miracles in mind

My hope will always stand

For You hold me in Your hand





How deep how wide

How great is Your love for me



Shawn McDonald - "I Am Nothing"

I am nothing without You

Only a fly upon the wall

Listening in, hoping to find something about You


That will keep me from this fall



And sometimes I catch a glimpse

And my heart begins to beat

Day by day awaken me

You put the wind beneath my feet



I long for the water

That brings life to me

'cause I long for the truth, oh

That sets man free




I am nothing without You

Only the dirt beneath Your nails

My heart is bruised and it's broken

And my soul is very frail






Please give me a reason

I need to name this man

And no longer this broken treason

Only on You I will stand



I long for the water


That brings life to me

'cause I long for the truth, oh

That sets man free




Please mend these broken wings

And take the scales from my eyes

Without You I am nothing

I will not survive




I long for the water


That brings life to me

'cause I long for the truth, oh

That sets man free




Bethany Dillon - "The Kingdom"

It tapped me on the shoulder today when I got home

I saw everything collecting dust

It made me hope there was something more

I pour over pages, desperate to find out why

The cripple at your table has what I'm longing to find



Teach me how to hum it

Because I don't know the words yet






Help me see the light

I'm reaching through the fight

Yahweh, show me the Kingdom


Arms open wide

Death swallowed up by life

Yahweh, show me the Kingdom



Why are some women barren

While the wicked's house is full

The stories never seem to end

Give me evidence I'm not alone

You said the weak would be lifted up

But maybe just not yet

So while I wait in this flesh and blood

I'll learn to lean in



Help me see the light

I'm reaching through the fight

Yahweh, show me the Kingdom

Arms open wide

Death swallowed up by life

Yahweh, show me the Kingdom




(and there was more.)

Oh, our God is so good. He never leaves nor forsakes us. When He feels so far away, He's there, teaching us, loving us and orchestrating our lives in such a way that we could never, ever even imagine. I have to exercise my faith and my patience while I wait for Him to teach me all that I need to know so that I can be most useful to Him in reaching people for Him and for helping those that already do know Him.

Help me, Lord, not flee to my Philistines. Help me work hard and rest in You. Help me trust You. Help me keep my eyes off my circumstances and keep my eyes on You.

And thank you, Lord, for not ever giving up on me. I would have given up on me long ago. Yet you see in me a heart that wants more than this next breath to serve You. You know my love for You compares to nothing. Nothing even comes close. Help me live that out in every single area of my life, while I'm waiting for you.

*and on another related note, I'm eschewing all things internet related for this week. And maybe longer. Except for this blog. So if you need me, text me. Or be really 1970's and call me. :)

And here's what we're listening to right now:

I'm okay!!!

This is the superfluous post just to follow up my miserable lament from the other day. If you're short on time, just know that I'm okay and skip the rest.

I think the main problem is that I just fall into believing what I'm told. One of my favorite lines in my favorite song is "The devil is singing over me the same old song; that I'm cursed and gone astray..."

And I start to buy into the lies. Why? Lots of reasons.

But you know what? When I get tired, mostly spiritually tired, I seem to fall prey to those lies. That I'm not good enough. I'll never be good enough, and not only that, I'll be more of a detriment than as asset. Ever get frustrated with those Israelites who failed over and over again? Hello, my name is "Israelite."

But, God ever so gently reminded me of all that is good. Of all that He's doing in my life. That I don't have to check off a check list of what's good and acceptable. I don't need to let my people pleasing desire dictate what I do or even desire to do. I need to keep my eyes on Christ and walk in obedience to Him, even when what He's telling me to do looks different than what everyone else is doing. (More so then, even.) And really, probably, not everyone else is even doing what I think "everyone" else is doing. Not that it really matters.

I loved studying Kind David. He's my favorite, I think. Thinking so much about the Goliath story lately gave me new perspective on this time in my life. Yes, David did a great thing in killing Goliath. But you know what? It makes me nervous for him, because this was the event that kicked off approximately 10 really arduous years for David, and I see it coming. Almost as soon as he slashed off Goliath's head, a most difficult time of David's life began. Yes, God used those years to grow David-to train him in all ways-to be King, but I can't imagine fleeing for your life for 10 years. Waiting on God's promise for 10 years.

Like Bart Box said on Sunday, David had God's promise of the kingship, but not the privileges. Can you imagine living in the balance like that for so long? Having the promise but not the privileges?

Imagine it.

How many days did he wake and say, "Today, Lord? Will it come to pass today? Soon, Lord. Please let it be soon..."

I read this morning all the Psalms he wrote during this time. His anguish was palpable. (I so often think of the word "languish" when I think of David. He languished a lot. Bless him.) He really struggled. You can just feel his pain. It's more than pain. It took him to the brink. But at the end of those Psalms, he always ended back where he loved and needed to be, praising God and thanking Him for all He was doing in David's life. Precious praise.

I love David. I think I love him most because of the same reason I hear people say over and over again. He was a man after God's own heart, yet even so, he messed up. Not just once, but more than that. And I'm so thankful for that. And like I learned a while ago, maybe the ones that mess up the most feel God's grace the greatest. Because, you know, we need it more.

So even though I fall over and over again, God is gracious, merciful and much more patient with me than I ever am of myself. What an amazing journey. What a crazy roller coaster journey. And I'm thankful to be on it.

When I'm wrong...

I say I'm wrong. I'm all too ready to be corrected. I get lost in how much I don't know, and I also stress about how to learn as much as I can as quickly as I can. That's probably another post...


So a few weeks ago I wrote this:


I've thought a lot about Jesus in the garden too. He didn't want to go through with it. He asked for the cup to pass from Him. I think that it was the separation from God that was the thing he feared the most. The wrath from God for the sin He carried. I wonder, though, if the physical agony he knew He was going to endure made him fearful before hand. I mean he was fully man, and fully God. Did the man part fear the physical part of the process He was going to go through?

I'm sure it's no coincidence that in the last two weeks, I've heard two different sermons that had my correction in them. Basically what the truth is that Jesus didn't fear the physical aspect of his beating, torture and crucifixion at all. There have been scores of people who went to a horrific death in the name of Christ and went bravely, rejoicing all the way. Christ was and is certainly braver and less afraid of earthly afflictions than humans. It was simply the separation and wrath from God that He was fearing. There's more, but I'm not sure I would do it justice anyway. You get the point.

So there you go. I am sure I was wanting to justify my fear of a gruesome death by wondering in Christ did the same. He didn't. And I'm sure that is reason for mediating on this subject some more. I'm also sure that God will give grace in that time of need. Doesn't do a lot of good to wonder what it would be like to die like that, nor to wonder too much how I'd react. I'd die for Christ, and that's pretty much all I need to think about at this point.

This was total mush and mismash, but I needed to get it out. This is what happens when you Blog when you don't have a real brain yet. :)

In You...

"In You"

I sing for joy
In my remorse
A well within prosperity’s curse
That drowns the mighty oak of pride
But feeds the root of God inside.

In You
I find my rest
In You
I find my death
In You
I find my all and my emptiness
Somehow it all makes sense

In You I’m rich
When I’ve been made poor
Comfort found when I mourn
The prideful one You see from afar
Drawing near to low, broken hearts.

In You
I find my rest
In You
I find my death
In You
I find my all and my emptiness
But it all makes sense

I don't think it's always a great idea to blog when you're tired. Be it emotionally, physically, or spiritually tired. You usually say things you wouldn't normally say, and there they are, written down for all to see forever. I mean you can delete the post, but it's already been out there. For this reason, I hesitated to write, but then I said, "You know what? Who cares? It's me. And I should let it out and not worry how it comes across..." And yes, I talk to myself. Quite a bit. Is that weird? Oh well..

I don't really want to talk about this last week. I could fill a novel with what I've seen and experienced. What I want to talk about is where this week has left me.

This song, "In You," was a balm for my soul, and unfortunately my kids got stuck with me in the van when I played it over and over and over again. I know they hate that.

These last few months, I've spun my wheels, trying so hard to learn, grow and be in Christ. I was challenged and convicted and turn inside out. I found inside myself a check list for how to be a good Christian. I'm sure that no one put it there. I'm sure I did it to myself. I felt like a huge failure; I had like maybe one thing on the "list." I was doubting my usefulness in the kingdom. And yes, I would make strides, only to slide right back down in my mire. I felt very much like a sub par Christian. I didn't measure up to any of the expectations that I felt like I was running into. I asked God to relieve me of any duties that He had called me to, and pleaded with Him to just let me live out my simple little life doing the best I could.

And yes, I know the 1.2 million things that are wrong with that previous paragraph. You can know the right answers and still not know how to implement them.

And then last Sunday night happened. And you know what? In that moment, in a hospital, with a sweet mama's empty hands in mine, it didn't matter if I was a foster mom. It didn't matter if I had never been on a mission trip. It didn't matter where I lived, or if I was read up on my scripture assignments for the week. I didn't matter what color my children were, or where their birth country was. Words like "missional" and "radical" and "intentional" fell away. The only thing that mattered was my relationship with Christ. The strength of that relationship was tested. All that mattered was whether or not everything that I believed in and sought after and rested in was real to me or not. Like a safety net that stretches underneath you, the strength and surety of it's ability to catch you isn't real until you've fallen into it.

I know this isn't an either/or thing. I know that you can be all the things we've been learning about and still be a light for Christ here and now. I think I just got lost, again for the 100th time, in all that I'm not. And I lost sight of what I am. I will argue with those I respect and say that maybe we aren't all called to be everything. I can't be everything. I tried, and I failed miserably. But I walked on the outskirts of the fire, watching someone I care about go through the fire, and my faith was real. My strength and my comfort and hope came from Christ. Because of my devotion to Him; because my commitment to spend time in His Word; because of my precious, intimate walk with Him, I rested in Him. I felt Him all over me. When I was too sad or too tired, He knew. He just took care of it all.

So there must be something here that's pleasing to Him. Something that my obedience is cultivating. Something...

A guy I really like and respect said something I have been thinking a lot about. The Great Commission- "Go into all the world and make disciples.."- You know, GO. Like don't sit here, just GO. Back your backpack and go. I think in my mind, somehow I got it like this: Pack up the handful of things you need that you didn't sell when you sold your house and everything in it; pack up your foster kids; your adopted kids; your Bible reading guide; your super cool, equally as on fire friends; don't wear your Chaco's or your Keens, for goodness sake, but throw on some cheap flip flops and GO to some other country and win a huge heap of people to Christ. Then you are good.

*sigh*

But what this guy said was that this word "GO" actually means, "as you are going..." To Publix, to the library, to the park to meet friends, to church where you do actually belong... As you go, preach the Gospel. BE the Gospel. Here. And always. That does good. And there are times when just because you are SO in love with Him, because He is your everything, and because you really want nothing else but Him, He'll use you. In your own world. With your birth kids while you're wearing your Keens. Because when it all got stripped away, that's what was left. What was real.

Like I said, I'm full of raw emotions. I'm tired. I have no patience for anything that won't carry us through the most horrific thing you could ever face. Because I can do things, but those things aren't going to carry me through my own personal hell. Whenever that comes. And I'm absolutely, positively going to regret this post almost as soon as it's sent. I think it's safe to feel these things and not share them, because then no ones knows. You can appear righteous and good and holy and no one is any the wiser.

But I'd rather be real.

Odessa

When Allen asked what I wanted for my birthday, I was stumped. I honestly couldn't think of anything. He decided to get me a bike, since I was the only family member without one. I was shocked at how expensive bikes are, so I got the cheapest non-geared bike I could find. (He didn't want me to go to my usual haunts to find a used one. Buying a used one usually costs more than a new one once you get it in working order, we heard. I'm not sure, but that's beside the point.)

I do love Odessa. I named her that after realizing that we should have named the Odyssey Odessa instead of Olivia. The kids chose Olivia, so that's okay. I loved the name Odessa, though, so I named my bike that. (The odd act of naming inanimate objects will have to be a later blog post.)

Allen took the kids fishing on Sunday (that's definitely a whole other blog post) at the park on Sunday, and he loaded up my bike for me for it's inaugural ride. It was weird riding a bike again. I didn't forget how to ride one, so the old saying is true. I did have to remember some of the finer points of riding a bike, though. For instance, you have to look more immediately where you are riding instead of far out like when you're driving. Hitting a few potholes taught me that right off the bat. And it's hard to let go to scratch your nose-the bike will get very wobbly if you ride with one hand on a trail. Then suddenly since I couldn't scratch my nose, I needed to constantly.

I rode up to this little cemetery and looked around for awhile too. I love doing that, although it's probably morbid to admit. I love reading the headstones-the names and dates. Wondering why the young ones died; praying for their families. I like to ponder death sometimes. It keeps things real and in perspective.

Good grief. From bikes to death? Sorry about that.

It was fun to ride. It was nice to go really fast and feel the wind whip around me. Not the same as a motorcycle, but good anyway. I'm not sure I did the right thing by not getting a geared bike, but I just couldn't justify the cost before knowing if this was something I'd really do much or not. I think mountain biking would be awesome. For now, I think Odessa and I will stick to the street, though. I do love her. I like feeling like a kid again!

Sweet encouragement

After getting those last three blog posts out of my head, I started to feel a little better. I can't describe how good it felt to not have them rolling around in my head. I don't know why that is the case, but it is. I am felt more at peace too, resting in Christ and His promises. Last week was a hard week, but a sweet week, preciously intimate with Him. Good stuff.


And it seems that God knows when I need some tangible encouragement.


Yesterday a lady walking into our small group. I was instantly drawn to her for some reason. She soon shared that she was on the mission trip that went to Sudan recently. The trip that I sat on the beach and cried over. The trip that I prayed over so much. That was cool. She shared some in small group about the trip, along with our friend who also went on the trip. I'm not going to lie, my heart hurt some listening to them talk, but I was honestly more thankful for what God had done on the trip than anything.


So after small group, I made a small detour on the way to church and just happened to run into her. Her name is Amy (imagine that) and we started chatting. I invited her to sit with me, and we kept chatting (imagine that.)


She is a nurse, which helps tremendously when you go on mission trips, especially medical mission trips, which was what this last group did. I jokingly told her that I wanted to go to nursing school to become a nurse. What better profession to use in the mission field, right? God wouldn't even hear of my desire to go to nursing school, and I wasn't really serious anyway. It was just a fleeting thought.


But you know what Amy said? She said that yes, being a nurse came in very handy, but what they really needed on this last trip, HOLD ON, was...


teachers.

She said teachers.

I think I actually gasped aloud. It felt so good to hear. "Teachers."


I lost no time in telling her I had a degree in education. And about how much I wanted to "Go." She said, "Oh we need you!"


That felt really good. They need people who can talk. (And write and hug?) It was just nice, to hear that those gifts I was struggling with just a few days ago were needed. Wow.


I had just felt, for some strange reason, that the gift of gab and wearing cute shoes weren't going to benefit the Kingdom much. But He whispered through my new, sweet friend Amy that yes, He can use me. Why did I ever doubt?


And then our service yesterday was all about what God is doing through our church for India. Oh, it was just really hard to sit still. Have you ever wanted to transport yourself through a Skype? Much less a pre-recorded Skype transmission? I want to be in India. (Be still. Wait.) But oh the joy that seeing what God is doing brings to my wait-weary soul.


And toward the end of the service, something was said about missions, and Amy clutched my arm and said, "See? We need you!"


Oh. my. I am just weak with appreciation. That God was so gracious to see past the whining and complaining and impatience to show me again that He is in control of every detail of my life. Down to the smallest, simplest thing. That He can and will use me. It's just not time yet.

And guess what He gave me on Saturday? A new friend who's heart is so passionate about adoption. Oh we talked about that a lot. And she is a child of missionary parents who grew served in Africa most of her childhood. She shared so much about all of that, and I just soaked it in.

Why do I see a pattern here? God is so good. Wait. And here are some comforts while you are waiting. And some education. I have SO much to learn. I get lost in all I need to learn. But that's okay. I have time while I am waiting...


And yes, there are things I can do while I'm waiting. And I am. I'm going to wear my cute shoes and talk. And hug. And learn.

And then I got mad...

I am not normally an angry person. I think I was just born happy. I mean I get fired up about stuff, and I certainly have days where I snatch a knot in a head or two, but for the most part, I don't really get angry a lot.

I guess I always thought that was a good thing. I thought that anger was a bad thing. And certainly it can be. Absolutely it can be. But sometimes? Anger is good.

I just assumed that God wasn't okay with anger. I know that Jesus did that changing money in the temple angry thing, but that was because of an offense against God. I can see where that kind of anger would not only be acceptable, but profitable. I do get angry about Godly things, but it's more of a righteous indignation kind of thing rather than a real anger. (And I'm sensing that I don't get angry enough in those areas. I'm learning...)

When I lost my third baby, though, I came to realize that I was pretty angry about that. It's normal-the stages of grief and all. But I didn't know what to do with the anger. Normally when you get mad at someone you can work it out. Even with the kids, that kind of anger for me passes pretty quickly. But here I was, angry, and I didn't know what to do with it. I was angry at God. But I was afraid to tell Him that.

He dealt with me a lot during that time. He spoke to me straightly and honestly. He said one day, "Tell me how you feel."

I told Him I didn't want to. He already knew how I felt.

He said it again. "Tell me how you feel. Tell me about your anger. I can handle it."

That caught me off guard. He could handle my anger? I could get angry at Him and He wouldn't get angry back? This was all revolutionary to me.

So I told Him. I really and truly came before His throne and told Him I was mad. I told Him I wanted that baby. I told Him everything I felt, thought and believed about all that had happened. I poured myself out before Him in a thoroughly stripped down way-completely raw and totally vulnerable. Just gave it all to Him. And you know what?

When I was done-when I had emptied myself of all that I had been carrying around- the bad and the terrible, God said, "There. Now we can get on with this thing."

Not only was He okay with my anger, it was an essential part of our relationship that had been missing. Sounds weird, huh? Well, it was, and then again it wasn't. God was asking me for all my pure, honest emotions. He needed me to be honest with Him, and not say, "Oh well, it was in Your will that I not get to hold that baby in my arms, and Romans 8:28, and I'm totally okay with God's will for my life..." and on and on.

It wasn't easy. I was careful and respectful, but I did finally get real with God.


So while I was at the beach for Spring Break, I finished up like 4 books that I had been working on getting through. I had been feeling a little overwhelmed with all that God was teaching/showing me, but instead of slowing down and getting into just His Word, I saturated myself with a whole bunch of stuff. (A sweet friend of mine pointed out that that probably wasn't such a good idea. Yep, totally in agreement with that one.)




But what was so hard about all that was that all the dang books just ended up all making the same points, which was kind of erie, since it was a mish mash of different stuff I was reading. I felt like every book, the Word that I was studying, the stuff we are learning at church, the things my friends were talking about, and things I would read in the most random places, all were saying the same things. And boy did I get myself worked up into a tizzy. I felt like everyone was shouting at me at the tops of their lungs. I felt overwhelmed and hopeless and tired and... just... M.A.D.




Boy did I get mad. And you know what God said? "Tell me how mad you are. And tell me why."


He said this to me a day where I just happened to be in the van by myself. So I start praying and He says, "No. Tell me out loud why you're mad."




So I did. I just poured it all out, starting at point A and working my way to point Z; I just laid it all out there. And I was really worked up.




And again He said, "I can handle your anger."




That's good.




And what I came to realize out of all of this is that God may or may not tell me the same things He appears to tell everyone else. He tells us in His Word to be and go and give and do. Books will tell you the same thing. Your preacher, your friend, your family, they will all tell you what God tells you to do. And God is telling me to stay. Be still. Don't move.




"Just wait."




And I had had enough. I can only be still for so long. I'm not a good be stiller. I'm a great doer. I rarely get tired of doing, but I'm dang tired of being still.




And I told Him that, among other things. And it sounds so easy, really. Just obey. Just do what God tells you to do. And it does sound easy. It's just hard to DO what He's telling you. Especially when He's telling you to NOT DO. See?




Two verses have just been all over me. The first is Psalm 46:10-11. "Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations. I will be exalted among the earth." (Italics mine, because God doesn't need my help doing those things. And I lose sight of that.)

You know what? That word "still" is the Hebrew word רָפָה (raphah) and it means to "abate, sink, relax." I mean COME ON. Do you know what that did for my tormented soul? And get this. The Hebrew word for "and know" is דַע (yada), and there is a huge list of different forms of "know" which the word refers to, but, oh, the main, short definition is "acknowledge."




Whew.




Sink into Me and acknowledge that I am God. "I am in control. You 'Go' when I tell you to 'Go.' You wait as long as I tell you to 'Wait.' Even when you think you can't wait anymore, you wait still."


Which leads me to the second verse He gave me:
Psalm 27:14 "Wait for the Lord. Be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord."




That's just good stuff. And you know what? I got all that just because I got angry with God. That's pretty amazing.