Make your outsides match

This one is painfully honest. Not one I really wanted to write, but I’ve so realized especially lately that so many are struggling in some of the same ways. When I’m too quiet and don’t share the hard stuff, I feel like I’m withholding an opportunity to provide someone with an “I’m not the only one” moment. And sometimes, that’s all you need. To know that you’re not the only one.

I’ve never really struggled with anxiety. Surely nothing to do with me or how great (or not) I am, it’s just not something that physiologically I ever dealt with.

Yep. You saw it coming. Until now.

*sigh* I get it. I really do. Maybe this is another thing for me to experience so that I’ll be able to I say to someone, “I know how you feel…” and I’ll really mean it. Whatever the reason, it’s not fun.

I had a moment last week when I actually thought, “Okay, which doctor do I call to ask for some meds.” It was like an out of body experience. Me, the girl who doesn’t even like to take ibuprofen. I don’t think I would have actually called, because the fact is, I’m more scared of meds than I am of anything else I would deal with. But the fact that I even thought that was a bit of a… surprise.

It was like my body was telling my brain that we had some issues we needed to address. I’m usually an “ignore it and it will go away” kind of person. If you just stay busy enough, everything will right itself. 

This philosophy has served me well at times and been destructive at others.

Notwithstanding all that, I knew that I needed to do something. Or at least admit that I needed to admit that I felt, um… stressed. To say the least. This actually went beyond stressed, but I’m not up for describing it in it’s entirety.

But come on. What human doesn’t? The more I talk with people, the more I realize that this isn’t unusual. We all have big stuff going on. I’m too tired to even list all that we deal with. It’s just huge, big and giant stuff that seems to overshadow everything else in life.

So the bottom line, before I draw out this post and further avoid all that I need to be doing, is this:

I don’t need meds. (And I’m not going to open that statement up for discussion.) I am dealing with more anxiety than I have ever dealt with in my life. So what to do?

Here’s where it is for me. You know that movie with Sandra Bullock, “28 Days”? Where she goes to rehab? (Hush. That’s not where this is going either.) During treatment they have to learn to pick up a horses’ hoof. I’m not sure exactly why. Go watch it and let me know. The point is this: At the end of the movie, she’s picking up a horses’ hoof, and someone asks her why. She responds with the statement that she’s just trying to make her outsides match her insides. (And yes, I had to watch it on Netflix instant streaming so I’d get the quote right.) So this is the silly quote that rang around in my head the rest of last week.

What could my outsides do that will make my insides feel better?

The things that I know make me whole. (You know I’m serious when I start bullet pointing thing.)

• Getting up early and spending quiet time in the Word.
• Exercise, which also provides quiet time in prayer, reflection on the Word, and praise.
• More prayer
• More praise
• Meditating on Scripture. Saying it over and over again. Praying scripture. Keeping my Bible open, rereading it all through out the day.
• Things that are productive - ie. Getting the house clean and organized.

My point is that my insides don’t want to do any of that stuff. My insides want to stay up late watching tv, sleep late, play on the computer all day and eat tons of unhealthy food. That’s how my flesh wants to deal with stress. I know by now, now that I’m old, that those aren’t the ways to deal with anything.

Those things make the anxiety worse. And then they pile guilt on top of everything else.

So since I can’t depend on my fickle insides, it’s up to the outside of me to be responsible. Do the things that I know are healthy for me. Not give in to the fleshly ways to deal with the hard. The difficult. The things that make me want to get outside of my skin. You know, those.

As Christ helps along my outsides, my insides will follow. (They don’t have a choice.) And then, whether or not I feel like doing what’s right, since my bossy outsides are doing the right things, and making good choices, perhaps my insides will get on board.

Because really, we (my inside and my outside) have too much important stuff to do to be all mired down and wallowing in stress and anxiety. I think (and here’s where you sound the crazy alarm) that maybe Satan just wanted to try this out on me to see whether or not it could get to me. And it did. But I’m learning to deal with it so that it won’t be a weapon in his arsenal anymore. Or at least not a very effective one.

I so don’t even want to post this. I’d rather write a post about cute shoes. I’m resisting the urge to delete this one and replace it with an entire post about shoes. I won’t though, because it’s important. And the next post is going to be worse than this one. I’m really looking forward to that one. *insert sarcasm*

My outside is off to clean the bathroom. My insides will probably sit here for another hour, or four.