Zaney Brainy

*author's note. My blog spaces itself. It drives me crazy, and I hate it. I like things in order, but it doesn't cooperate. I am so sorry. I'm sure I am the only one who cares, but it bugs the crap out of me!! Oh well... Anyway...

The last 17 months have been hard. I ain't gonna lie.

He started off well enough. He slept for 3 or 4 hours at a time at night, which neither of my others did. He was a sweet, happy baby.

Then, on Thanksgiving Day, 2006, things changed. Allen had him downstairs while I desperately folded laundry before going to my aunt's house for lunch. Allen came upstairs, and said, "I think he want to eat. He's fussy."

So I took him, and tried to feed him. He just squirmed and then snuggled down in my arms. I tried to hand him back to Allen, and he screamed. There it began.

He still slept okay, nursing at 10:30 and then at about 4 am. I was okay with that. People can function on that kind of sleep. But.....

I had to hold him ALL THE TIME during the day, though. He would scream, forever, if I didn't. There was no end to the screaming. God has never allowed us to let any of our kids cry for any length of time, if we could help it, and I knew that wasn't going to change. I'm not one to listen to screaming anyway, so I bought several baby carriers. One for the pool, some for the house, one for the car. Hayes gave me my favorite one. A mei tai with skulls on one side, and a "church" side with pretty swirls on it. I wore it everywhere. It saved my life, especially with having two other kids.

And I wore him everywhere. Vacuuming, cooking, washing clothes, you name it. I lost some weight too, wearing that chunk everywhere. But it wore me out. And there were times when I couldn't hold him. Like in the shower. I resorted to taking showers at strange times-when Allen came home late at night, or early before he left. Or I just went without one. And eating while holding him was hard. Or him screaming at me while we were trying to get out the door to go somewhere.

It took me to the brink several times, but God put one foot in front of the other continuously. He was my rock and my fortress. There is just nothing like knowing that God is the one thing between you and insanity.

It got a tiny bit easier when he could crawl. At least he could come and fine me when he wasn't in his carrier. Praise the carrier. What would I have done without them? Or amazing friends who introduced me to them, taught me about them and encouraged me while I was wearing them.

Then one night last spring, as I was cooking dinner, he started pushing on my back. He was in the back carrier, and that meant he wanted out. I just wanted to cry, because if he wasn't happy back there, it was going to be a scream fest.

So I got him out, tried to nurse him, and he just wiggled squirmed. I put in down in frustration and buried my face in my hands. I just wanted to sob. I looked up, and he was sitting, playing with some toys on the floor. I just stared at him. His feet hadn't touched the ground many days, where he didn't just howl. I sat there for a minute, and then I stood up. He just played. I started inching toward the door. Nothing. I went into the kitchen, and he was fine. I waited for a second, and then quietly started cooking dinner. He was happy. Strangely. as quickly as it started, it ended. I did a few very light victory laps around the downstairs!

And then he quit sleeping. Talk about can't win for losing.

You know, it just seems like too much sometimes. Sleep is just something I can't do without. Poor Zane. I'm sure there's some reason that he didn't sleep. We just never could figure out what it was. I tried to alter his diet. I didn't drink caffeine. I fiddled with his naps. Nothing worked. He'd wake to nurse ever hour or two, then wake totally up for 2 hours. Every time. @ hours. Strange. I'd go downstairs and rock. And watched movies. I've watched some good ones in the middle of the night, though. I'd love to say that I spent all those wakeful nights in prayer, but I tried. I can't form a thought when I'm that tired. But, thanks to HBO, I've watched some older and pretty decent movies. Legends of the Fall, Money Pit, Lethal Weapon (!), 28 Days (the Sandra Bullock one. Not that weird scary 28 Days Later one.), A Time to Kill, When Harry Met Sally, Star Wars, Out of Africa and some I can't remember.

I've made bank errors, forgot important events, put strange things into the refrigerator, looked for recipes in the phone book, and totally turned into red neck mama late in the afternoon when I feel like I just can't go any further.

But again, God just took care of me. I'd yell at him in the middle in the night, out of frustration, in my spirit. I knew He could fix all of this, but just didn't. I'd ask forgiveness in the morning, when the light of day cleared my heart and soul. It was still hard though, and I just wanted my son to sleep.

Things got easier when Zane started talking, and interacting with all of us. I don't know why. I guess because I saw him as a real person, instead of a creature whose one purpose in life was to destroy his mother. He started talking. He has several words, as of about a month ago.

Mama

Dada

Lala

Juju

Baba (Paci)

Baba (bye bye)

Uh oh (When he drops something)

ooh ba (foot ball-yep, he's Allen's son)

Ba (ball)

Booboo (you know)

Mama(Mimi)

Eh momo (Elmo)

and my favorite. I'll say, "where's your baba?" And we go all around the downstairs, looking for his paci. When he finds it, we say, "There it is!!!" His is much more like, "er e sssss" but he gets the inflection just right.

He's so loving too. He hugs and kisses us all. Jude was crying in the bath one night, and Zane hugged him 10 times.

He loves to go outside with Laney and Jude. He'll play with them, for at least an hour. I look out on them, of course, and they love it.

He's really funny too. He spilled some water on the floor the other morning, and he went to the kitchen, got out a towel from under the sink, came back and tried to clean up the water, and went and put the towel back. Allen and I were amazed.

I was on the sofa yesterday, wiped out from this cough, and he went upstairs, climbed on my bed, got my Tony Stewart bear from Build A Bear and brought it downstairs to me. Plopped it down on my chest.

When you undress him for bathtime, he picks up all of his clothes and puts them in the dirty clothes hamper.

The funniest thing was last week. The kids had gone out one morning, and because it had rained the night before, their shoes were covered in wet grass. I helped them out of their shoes at the door, and let them come in barefoot. I left the shoes at the door for when they had dried. Laney and I were doing school, with the back door open, since it was such a nice, warm day. We looked up, and Laney said, "What is he doing???"

He was beating the shoes on the ground to get the dried grass off. My camera was sitting on the table where we were doing school, so I picked it up and started snapping pictures. We had no idea what he was doing.

He beat the shoes on the ground until he got almost all the grass off. (And got it on himself!!!!)

Then he took each shoe into the house, and put them in the shoe basket.

We laughed and laughed. I've never had a 17 month old that did that sort of thing!!!

He points Allen key remote at the car, he takes Allen the television remote whenever he finds it on the floor.

He found a new package of pacifiers that I had just bought, and he shouted with such glee, "BA BA'S!!!!!" Oh my.

And oddly enough, he has just warmed my heart. Not that I ever didn't love him. At all. In fact, I think you have a special place in your heart for the super hard babies. It's been just me and him during all the hard times. Allen has so wanted to help, but I just didn't want him to miss his sleep. Luckily he stays up late, so when Zane would wake before midnight, he would rock him back to sleep. And you have no idea how many mornings Allen has gotten up with everyone and let me get a bit of sleep in the morning. Because yes, even when you're up all night, you still must wake at 6:30 or 7. So Zane thinks.

He's actually doing better this week. He's still waking every 2 hours or so, but I can tell he's really trying to get himself back to sleep. And I haven't had to come downstairs in several nights. I wonder what great movies I'm missing? And the funny thing is, when he doesn't sleep through a standard waking time, I still wake up. And can't get back to sleep. It's like my body adjusted to this crazy schedule. Wow.

This is all for me. I don't want to forget how hard all this way. You have a way for forgetting these things, you know. I don't want to forget all the Lord as done for me. I don't EVER want to take for granted sleeping for 8 hours at a time. When that happens!

Whatever life hands me, God will sustain me. Whether it be 3 days, 3 months or 3 years. I love my son, who is an amazing gift from God. I wanted him so badly, and at times didn't think I'd get him. We love each other in super special way. I'll always know that he showed me things about myself that I never knew. All my kids have. I'm honestly glad God doesn't make my life easy. I'd never know about His power