Hear Me on this...

I have a playlist of music I play every day. I usually listen to Pandora when I'm cleaning or working around the house, but at least once a day I get through this certain playlist. The funny thing is that if the music goes off, I feel panicky. I'm not sure that's a good thing! 


So one of the songs on this playlist is "Psalm 145" by Shane and Shane. It starts off with "great is the Lord and so worthy of praise..." I could just stay there all day. Oh Lord, that "...[Your]  praise will always be on my lips." (Psalm 34:1)

I love that it it flows into this:

the Lord is gracious
and slow to anger
He is rich in love
He is good to all
all who call on Him 

I've always sung this as a praise to Him, thanking Him for his lovingkindness to me and for being so patient with me. I've even blogged about this song before, as I meditated on His goodness to all. I love this song.

Yesterday, though, God had something to teach me. {Thank you, Lord.} 

He told me as soon as I got up that I would be facing a challenge. Um, Okay. I spent time in the Word, prayed and praised. I really asked God to let me please Him through whatever He had for me. I wanted to do what was right. The verse I've been mediating on, Daniel 1:8, "But Daniel purposed in his heart that he would not defile himself..."  rang in my heart and my mind.

I told God I wasn't going to sin. Really, I did. Stupid or not. If Daniel can do it, so can I, I reasoned. 

So, sure enough, my little challenge happened. I didn't sin on the outside, but I failed on the inside. I'm not sure that I really "passed" but I do know that progress was made. So there. 

As I was washing dishes later in the day, this song was on. I was singing it with the usual gusto, and God said, "Okay. Here Me on this."

I don't know what you do when God says this to you, but I know that a kicker is coming.
 
He said, "Yes, these verses you're singing reflect Me and My goodness, but I want them to be how you treat others."

Specifically people who have not acted the way I think they should act. 

I literally felt the breath leave me. 

Let me get this straight. You want me to be gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love and good to all, especially those who attack You and the things of You and the people who love you and are walking that narrow path? 

Because it's this. I get that the path is narrow. I get that a few are on it. (Enter through the narrow gate; for the gate is wide and the way is broad that leads to destruction, and there are many who enter through it. For the gate is small and the way is narrow that leads to life, and there are few who find it. Matthew 7:13-14) 

What I don't understand is that if you don't want to be on the path, which is cool, why do you want to stand beside the path and throw stones at the people that are on the path? I really don't get that. I mean I do, I know why, but I don't know why. 


But that's not the point.


The point is that God is asking me to love these people. Real love. Not consending love, not placating love, not false love, but real, Godly love.


And He wasn't done yet. He reminded me that He loves these people, and that the Spirit lives in me, and if I can't love these people, then I'm stopping Him from loving these people through me. I'm stopping His love from flowing through me.

Oh. Kay. 


That's a lot. For me anyway. 


So that's it. I'm not going to process this anymore. I'm going to love those who I don't think deserve it. (That was hard to type, but it's true. Once you "do" something, I don't think I have to love you anymore. Good grief.)


I'm really just hoping that God gives me a couple of days to work on this before He provides another opportunity for me to test drive myself on this. Okay, God? 

India

I was about to start typing up my thoughts, wishes, dreams and feelings about India, then realized I really do have to mop my kitchen floor like right now. I really can't put it off another second. So, I'll just put this information here and mop while I daydream about working in India, with the women, moms and children of that beautiful, amazing and enigmatic country that so needs to hear the Gospel... 

http://www.mypassporttoindia.org/?referral=S3

I think this is weird...

Someone said it again to me today:

"I want to go to Heaven."
 

I thought, "Yeah, I'm not ready."

That's weird.
 

We're supposed to want to go to Heaven. Like right now. 

And I do want to see Jesus. I mean, I really do. 

But I'm not ready to leave here yet. And it's not because I have such a great life. I do appreciate the life He's given me. It hasn't been easy, most of the time, but I know that compared to 99.923% of the world, it's been a cake walk.

But every single stinking time someone says something about longing for Heaven or wanting to go to Heaven or wanting to see Jesus, I say, "NOT YET."
 

Too many people haven't heard. 

Not that I don't want to see Him. And this isn't about my freakish fear of the eternal either.

Although, my 6 year old was studying the "Everlasting to Everlasting" God this week. He looked at me with that sweet face and said, "So how can God not have a beginning?"

I decided to play it cool.

I shrugged and said, "I dunno... Now what verses are we reading?"

Didn't fly.

He said a little more firmly, "When did God start?"

Ugh.

Then he squinted those eyes at me and said, "And how does He never end? And how does Heaven never end?"

I literally felt the anxiety well up in me.

I pictured him in therapy, years from now, telling his therapist, "And we were just doing my Bricks and Mortar card, and I asked a few questions about the "Everlasting to Everlasting God" and she just LOST IT. Starting yelling, 'I DON'T KNOW, I DON'T KNOW!!!!!' "

*sigh* 

How does it never end? My sweet and insanely frustrating gift of faith friends are rolling their eyes at me right now. They refuse to have this conversation with me yet again.

So watching my son wrestle with this, I felt a little vindicated. 

And just as things were getting a little tense, from my end I'm sure, the ever hungry 4 year old pipes up with, "Is God gonna FEED US in Heaven?"

I tried to explain how we're going to have new bodies that don't need food or get sick when they both said, "What are we going to do in Heaven? Forever?"

I then went into the eternal glorification and praising of God we'll do and then I think they got distracted by the Wii, at which point I collapsed into a heap and started sobbing.

Not really. But it was a hard week.

{He also said that he suspected God created sin, because it was just God, then God created Satan and then Satan sinned, so didn't that mean, in essence, that God created sin, even though He's holy and there's no sin in Him? I just looked at him. When I posed that question to my small group, they told me to email that question to one of our pastors and let them know what he said and then they moved swiftly along. So how was I supposed to answer than question when I don't know myself? And I promise that I didn't have that discussion with him. He came up with it on his own after hearing some stuff at church. So see, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. And no, I still don't have an answer.}

I forgot what I was talking about. 

Oh yes. My not wanting to go to Heaven.

I just want more people to hear. I want more people to know. I will defer my pleasure of seeing Him so that more can know.

Not that I'm telling them. I'm sitting here, in my house, trying to figure out when to mop my floor and wondering why the guy who invented Leggos isn't the one who steps on them constantly. I'm ensconced in my own little world of caring for my family and much more concerned with ring around the collar then reaching the lost family in my neighborhood that has a shrine to Buddha in their foyer.

*ahem* 

I'm not always sure this blog is a good idea.

I had to go look for a recipe a couple of days ago, and so as I looked back through some old posts, I started reading them. I was slightly embarrassed. I mean I'm MORE than thankful that for how God has worked in my life, and I guess it would be a point of pride to want to erase the senseless babble that I once spewed, thinking I was so smart.

I'm also pretty sure that in 2 years, I'm going to look back on this post and think the same thing. I'm quite sure I'm going to roll my eyes at myself. 

I don't care, really. This whole silly blog is just one way of charting God's miracle working in my own life and pure testament that He can do the same in another's life. 

So my not wanting Jesus to come back today has no meaning other than if He defers it for just a day longer, someone else will hear. And believe. And that's one less person that will spend eternity in hell.

I can find delayed gratification in that. I can't want Him to come back just to rescue me from this sin infested life I live. I can't want Him to come because children die or cancer reigns or life is hard. I want Him to come back to fulfill the beautiful plan that was set into motion when there was only water and God. Or maybe even before that.

Although I do wonder when exactly at the point of the beginning that wasn't did He decide to create us? And if so many refuse Him, was it really worth it? If one soul perishes in hell, was it all worth it? I mean before He created the world, no one was perishing. It just seems like a huge price.

I had to look for someone on Facebook today, and I got overwhelmed with sin. And hear me say I stay plenty overwhelmed with my own sin. But these girls were doing things that just made my heart sad. And for the 30 that were posing in a way that made my mouth drop, there was ONE that was not. I honestly just got discouraged. It's too much. There's so much sin. Too much. It's not worth it. Nobody cares. They don't want to hear. They're happy. And for the most part, Christians aren't. So what do we have to offer? Why should they want what we have? It's too much.

And then that familiar chord struck deep inside of me. "If one more believes, that's one more that won't perish."

It's worth it, Lord. Just wait. A little more. Let us just win one more. 

But that's weird. Really. It's just weird.

Really? Again?

Our pastor said a couple of weeks ago something that has rung in my head and in my heart. He said, "I have no consistency other than that I'm inconsistent." Yep. That's me.

Three of my friends have put their kids in public school after homeschooling them. And guess what? It's a great thing for the kids, the moms and the families. The kids are thriving, doing well in social settings, working through some issues with the teachers that needed to be worked out in the kids, making friends, taking stands for Christ, etc, etc. The moms? They are taking long walks, spending time with their young non-school aged children and doing crazy hobby-like things like sewing. 

Nope. I'm not jealous. At all. 

I lie too. 

Sigh

First of all, I know that at least one of these moms, right now, while reading this, is feeling guilty. And I'd like to tell her to STOP IT. Don't feel guilty. This is where God led your family, and I'm thankful for your obedience and how God is blessing it. 

(I so totally can't relate to people who feel guilty over good things. Nope.)

And, because I'm so good at doing what's bad for me, I been to question my own schooling situation. 

Really? Again? 

What is wrong with me? 

The school year is going well. The kids are learning. We haven't missed a day of school. God has given me the discipline to get up, do what I need to do in the morning and get school done. Jude even slips from time to time and says, "I don't hate school." I hear that as, "I really, really love school and you're the best teacher ever!" And of course, I'm learning too. I can't wait to blog about some really cool stuff I learned recently about the first inhabitants of North America. 

So why should I get all mired down in this again? Or why do I? 

The answer probably seems obvious. But I have to drag myself through the muck yet again.

I think the struggle with my own inadequacies is what I'm battling the most at the moment. Am I worthy to be spending 24/7 with my kids? That's one reason I didn't want to home school. I wanted my kids to have other (hopefully positive) influences. Instead of just me. Me. Mostly me. All the time. I mean, as I type this, one kid is in their room sobbing after a hard day of school. I'm sure that's mostly the teacher's fault. 

So imagine my thankfulness, and relief, when a kind lady shared the following devotion at a home school support group meeting a few nights ago. It was from Oswald Chambers' My Upmost for His Highest, and after reading it to us, she gave us the name of the devotion. (I was so glad, because as she's reading it, I"m thinking, "Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, I need to read this again...) I wrote down the name of it so I could look it up later and read it again. And again. This morning, I located my very dusty copy of My Upmost... on my bookshelf, stuck a book mark in the book and carried it downstairs so I could find the devotion to read again. And a few times. 

I opened the page to where I had randomly stuck the bookmark, and of course, it was the devotion that I was looking for. I never want to miss or take for granted these ways that God reassures with tangible touches. 

The Brave Comradeship of God

The bravery of God in trusting us! You say - "But He has been unwise to choose me, because there is nothing in me; I am not of any value." That is why He chose you. As long as you think there is something in you, He cannot choose you because you have ends of your own to serve; but if you have let Him bring you to the end of your self-sufficiency then He can choose you to go with Him to Jerusalem, and that will mean the fulfillment of purposes which He does not discuss with you. 

We are apt to say that because a man has natural ability, therefore he will make a good Christian. It is not a question of our equipment but of our poverty, not of what we bring with us, but of what God puts into us; not a question of natural virtues of strength of character, knowledge, and experience - all that is of no avail in this matter. The only thing that avails is that we are taken up into the big compelling of God and made His comrades (cf. 1 Cor. 1:26-30). The comradeship of God is made up out of men who know their poverty. He can do nothing with the man who thinks that he is of use to God. As Christians we are not out for our own cause at all, we are out for the cause of God, which can never be our cause. We do not know what God is after, but we have to maintain our relationship with Him whatever happens. We must never allow anything to injure our relationship with God; if it does get injured we must take time and get it put right. The main thing about Christianity is not the work we do, but the relationship we maintain and the atmosphere produced by that relationship. That is all God asks us to look after, and it is the one thing that is being continually assailed.

Wow. I mean wow. I have read it several times, and I'm going to keep on reading it. And read the Scripture reference:

Brothers, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God—that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. Therefore, as it is written: “Let him who boasts boast in the Lord.”

I Corinthians 1:26-31

Again. Whew. Too much. 

And I love this so much. As I ponder things God has called me to, including this ginormous thing called home schooling, what I ask most is, "Are you sure you meant to pick me?"  I feel like Moses and his first response to God, when He called Moses from the burning bush to lead His people out of Egypt, "Who am I...?" (Or my, "Excuse me, are you talking to me? Really?)

And God's immediate response is, "Certainly I will be with you..." (Exodus 3)

And God, after my whining to Him one day that He really didn't mean to pick me (and I even listed some other very more capable women) said to me, "Amy, I didn't choose you because of what you are, I chose you because of what you aren't."

Oh good. Because there's a heck of a lot of "aren't" here.

Okay. So here I am. Called. And this post will bleed into another that I won't write today, and it's the post about when I came to the end of myself. 

This encouragement, though, came in the sweet form of a mama who gets it. And really, rather you're home schooling or have your kids tucked away at boarding school or are somewhere in between, being a mom is hard. And maintaining an intimate relationship with Him full of passion for Him, and for the nations and the lost when your own kid is begging to move to another house seems rather challenging. (Okay, not begging, but seems really open to the idea of a new home...) When the house won't stay clean, and you forget to pay a bill, or things keep breaking or you can't stop looking like a frizzy headed troll, or you know you have friends but you can't get out of the house to actually see them, or you can't get the laundry done or you have to cook dinner, again, there, in that chaos is God, sweetly and gently saying, "Hey. I've called you to do this. And you can. Really."

~Thankfulness~

Staycation Days 4 and 5

This day was the big day. Our road trip. We decided to do the Chattanooga Aquarium and Rock City. All those years of seeing "See Rock City" finally worked. 

I took an obscene number of pictures. That may have been my favorite part. I also loved the aquarium. I honestly could have stayed there much longer than the 3 1/2 hours we were there. Being that close to God's creation stirred worship in me that I don't often get to experience. It's really hard to worship as you're chasing 3 very excited kids through that huge place, though. I reflected on that for days after, but I really find myself wanting to go back, maybe even by myself (in my dreams) and just spending time in deep worship.

But that may be kind of weird. Maybe? Having church in an aquarium? Makes sense to me, though.

I was blown away by the giant (tank) aquarium. It was 3 stories tall and just completely overwhelming to look at. Going under it was the most soothing and beautiful thing I've seen in a while. It was mesmerizing. 

I could have looked at the jelly fish tank all day. That was my other favorite thing. The way they move was most tranquil and hypnotizing. Actually, I think I loved every minute of that place. Now I want to go to Atlanta's aquarium.

Rock City was amazing too. I really didn't have any expectations at all, having no idea what we were going to. Seeing a Starbucks at the top of this magical place pricked my cynical side, but I'm glad I soldiered on. It was a beautiful place, and I could have stayed there all day too. I love being in the woods. Emerson said, "In the woods we return to reason and faith..." I don't care how he meant it. It rings true in my spirit. I loved the views from the top of the mountain too. Reminded me of Stone Mountain and how I used to hike up that big rock and lay down and look at the sky for hours. I need to do that again soon. I've been craving that. I'm NOT taking the kids either. :)

My one regret may be that we didn't make this an overnight trip and see more stuff. This was perfect, though, and I'm so glad we did it. Chattanooga was a beautiful city. The mountains were gorgeous. The weather was perfect. I was blessed, inspired and touched by this day. I'm so thankful.

 My self portrait. :) 

The pictures went all wonky when I tried to capture them, so I'm not going to. Except I have to tell you what one of them should be, because it was my favorite quote of the day. There was this giant rock overhang at Rock City. The picture up there shows the three kids walking up out from it. The overhang made an open room of sorts, and Jude, when he saw it, said, "Hey! If we get poor, maybe they'll let us live here!" That kid and his brain amaze me. I adore him. Zane was a trooper this day too. He walked every step and never complained. I was so impressed. That kid has changed so much. Laney soaked it all in and she loved it too. We marveled at their perfect behavior. That was amazing and awesome.

Friday was kind of a normal day. After another morning in pj's with lots of coffee, I went that afternoon to help out a friend. I took the kids, so hubs got an afternoon to nap and veg. He needed that, and it was good for him. We rounded it out with a normalish weekend, and that was the end of the Staycation.

I did end up missing the beach, but this week was good. I'm thankful for the fun and the time the kids got with their daddy. That was a blessing!

A break

I know that there are legions of fans waiting anxiously for the recap of Staycation Day 4. Okay, fine, my mom is waiting. (Hi, Mom!) I didn't get it done yesterday, because I was a). busy b). sick c). not in the mood to sift through the 300+ pictures we took in that one day. Yes, I know I take too many pictures, but it's my favorite. 

Anyway, I'll get to it. 

I just want to get these remnants of thoughts out of my head from yesterday. 

I received a very innocent, very kind message from a friend yesterday morning. God flipped it into a moment of conviction for me that brought my day to a screeching halt. When faced with anxiety, I physically get moving. Since I am most often confined to my house with the kids, and don't have a treadmill, I can't run to sooth that anxiety. My second mode of relief is cleaning. You might think that this would lead to a spotless house, but some how that doesn't exactly work out the way you would think, but that's another story. Anyway, after the thoughts arrived and planted them self firmly in my mind, I jumped up from my seat and started wiping down the walls. My son said, "If you're going to start cleaning, I'm going to have a break from school..." and wondered off to find his brother. I barely noticed. 

What drove me from my seat was this:

What if my impatience and my impetuousness was what has held up the Lord's plans for me? What if that was the very thing that caused the Lord to withhold what I'd been praying for so vehemently. What if I in effect caused a gridlock and caused God to have to put His plans on hold while He waited for me to learn some basics of trusting Him? What if I caused pain and difficulty for others by my immature approach to God's will for my life?

It seems like everyone I know is waiting for something. Healing for a child, deliverance from suffering, answers to a long said prayer, patience, strength, wisdom, comfort... The list goes on and on. I've seen in all of us an impatience of sorts. We are all living in an age of immediate gratification. I'm worst of all in this area. If I can't have it now, I don't want it. If I can't get it for myself immediately, I'd rather not have it at all. I'll deal with the loss rather than the delayed gratification.

How sickening is that? I don't see that in others really, and as we've all waited and prayed, and I've been inspired by the beautiful patience I've seen in them. I knew the Lord was working in me in this issue, and I've been giving thanks for that. 

But.

I think I've come to the point where the Lord has said, "Enough. It's time to be done with this forever." Actually that point came yesterday. In a sweet, innocent message from a friend. Smack dab in the middle of school.

And I think yesterday He was telling me that this impatience could have cost me a lot. So that's what got me cleaning my walls. (And they needed it, let me tell you.) The day was so busy that I couldn't go collapse onto my bedroom floor and get on my face like I wanted to. I had to march on, dealing with this in small intervals. I mourned that sin. I mean really. It was rough. I felt torn up. It's like I expressed to a friend last week-I felt like I had been tilled like a field-my soul felt ripped open, like a long dark scar on the earth.

Not fun. 

But after spending time pondering this, and communing with God, you know what He said? Oh, He is so good. He assured me that His plan wasn't thwarted. He had that all under control. He didn't allow me to mess anything up. But He did say that this is where the impatience ends. He was firm, loving and very clear. I am no longer allowed to be demanding of Him. The fact that I ever was grieves me tremendously. I have let go of that. I can question Him, mainly because I have to, and He's okay with that. But demanding that I get my way when I want it is not okay. And He's done with me on that.

And then, because He is the faithful Father, He healed the part of me that got ripped open. There is still a scar, though, and it's still tender. But I want that to remain. I want to remember this so that the next time I start my little dance of impatience, He will prick that scar, and I will remember this day and what I learned. I will see and feel the beauty and peace of waiting patiently on Him.

It's so amazing, how God reveals sin. And deals with it in me. I'm so thankful. I'm hoping He allows me time to fully recover from this one before He reveals more, but reveal more, Lord. Show me how to be more like Your Son. That's my obsession. I just want to be like Him. 

And here's one of my favorite pictures from last Thursday, just to tease you (Mom). I think it kind of fits here too. This picture doesn't really do this waterfall justice, but it was so high, to look over the railing made me dizzy. The force and the sound of the water were both soothing and fear inducing. It reminds me of God and His love. Terrifying and beautiful. 

I had to come back and edit this post, because shortly after finishing this post, during school, I read this from Job 42:

 “I know that you can do all things,
and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted.
  ‘Who is this that hides counsel without knowledge?’
Therefore I have uttered what I did not understand,
things too wonderful for me, which I did not know.
  ‘Hear, and I will speak;
I will question you, and you make it known to me.’
  I had heard of you by the hearing of the ear,
but now my eye sees you;
  therefore I despise myself,
and repent in dust and ashes.”

God is so good. 

Staycation Day 3

Day 3 started off lazily, which pajama wearing, coffee drinking and playing board games in the floor. We decided to go to the zoo, since the kids haven't been with Daddy in a long time. Two more great things were that it was free and it was considered a field trip. No, I don't think about school too much. Why do you ask?

Anyway,

We had some good, up close time with the monkey. Oh, and the gorilla too. (haha. Bad joke, I know.)

The kids' favorite part was the splash pad. Somehow we're never gotten to do this before. So that was great fun.

And you have to ride the train.

Fuzzy proof I was there.

After the zoo, we went to this little ice cream ice cream store and got ice cream. We had a great lunch and dinner too, but no body can remember where we ate and it's only been a week. That's why I do this blog, mostly, because we can't remember anything, even for a week. Imagine us trying to remember our fun vacation years from now. Good grief.

It was a fun, sweet, low key day. Just what we needed!