I think this is weird...

Someone said it again to me today:

"I want to go to Heaven."
 

I thought, "Yeah, I'm not ready."

That's weird.
 

We're supposed to want to go to Heaven. Like right now. 

And I do want to see Jesus. I mean, I really do. 

But I'm not ready to leave here yet. And it's not because I have such a great life. I do appreciate the life He's given me. It hasn't been easy, most of the time, but I know that compared to 99.923% of the world, it's been a cake walk.

But every single stinking time someone says something about longing for Heaven or wanting to go to Heaven or wanting to see Jesus, I say, "NOT YET."
 

Too many people haven't heard. 

Not that I don't want to see Him. And this isn't about my freakish fear of the eternal either.

Although, my 6 year old was studying the "Everlasting to Everlasting" God this week. He looked at me with that sweet face and said, "So how can God not have a beginning?"

I decided to play it cool.

I shrugged and said, "I dunno... Now what verses are we reading?"

Didn't fly.

He said a little more firmly, "When did God start?"

Ugh.

Then he squinted those eyes at me and said, "And how does He never end? And how does Heaven never end?"

I literally felt the anxiety well up in me.

I pictured him in therapy, years from now, telling his therapist, "And we were just doing my Bricks and Mortar card, and I asked a few questions about the "Everlasting to Everlasting God" and she just LOST IT. Starting yelling, 'I DON'T KNOW, I DON'T KNOW!!!!!' "

*sigh* 

How does it never end? My sweet and insanely frustrating gift of faith friends are rolling their eyes at me right now. They refuse to have this conversation with me yet again.

So watching my son wrestle with this, I felt a little vindicated. 

And just as things were getting a little tense, from my end I'm sure, the ever hungry 4 year old pipes up with, "Is God gonna FEED US in Heaven?"

I tried to explain how we're going to have new bodies that don't need food or get sick when they both said, "What are we going to do in Heaven? Forever?"

I then went into the eternal glorification and praising of God we'll do and then I think they got distracted by the Wii, at which point I collapsed into a heap and started sobbing.

Not really. But it was a hard week.

{He also said that he suspected God created sin, because it was just God, then God created Satan and then Satan sinned, so didn't that mean, in essence, that God created sin, even though He's holy and there's no sin in Him? I just looked at him. When I posed that question to my small group, they told me to email that question to one of our pastors and let them know what he said and then they moved swiftly along. So how was I supposed to answer than question when I don't know myself? And I promise that I didn't have that discussion with him. He came up with it on his own after hearing some stuff at church. So see, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. And no, I still don't have an answer.}

I forgot what I was talking about. 

Oh yes. My not wanting to go to Heaven.

I just want more people to hear. I want more people to know. I will defer my pleasure of seeing Him so that more can know.

Not that I'm telling them. I'm sitting here, in my house, trying to figure out when to mop my floor and wondering why the guy who invented Leggos isn't the one who steps on them constantly. I'm ensconced in my own little world of caring for my family and much more concerned with ring around the collar then reaching the lost family in my neighborhood that has a shrine to Buddha in their foyer.

*ahem* 

I'm not always sure this blog is a good idea.

I had to go look for a recipe a couple of days ago, and so as I looked back through some old posts, I started reading them. I was slightly embarrassed. I mean I'm MORE than thankful that for how God has worked in my life, and I guess it would be a point of pride to want to erase the senseless babble that I once spewed, thinking I was so smart.

I'm also pretty sure that in 2 years, I'm going to look back on this post and think the same thing. I'm quite sure I'm going to roll my eyes at myself. 

I don't care, really. This whole silly blog is just one way of charting God's miracle working in my own life and pure testament that He can do the same in another's life. 

So my not wanting Jesus to come back today has no meaning other than if He defers it for just a day longer, someone else will hear. And believe. And that's one less person that will spend eternity in hell.

I can find delayed gratification in that. I can't want Him to come back just to rescue me from this sin infested life I live. I can't want Him to come because children die or cancer reigns or life is hard. I want Him to come back to fulfill the beautiful plan that was set into motion when there was only water and God. Or maybe even before that.

Although I do wonder when exactly at the point of the beginning that wasn't did He decide to create us? And if so many refuse Him, was it really worth it? If one soul perishes in hell, was it all worth it? I mean before He created the world, no one was perishing. It just seems like a huge price.

I had to look for someone on Facebook today, and I got overwhelmed with sin. And hear me say I stay plenty overwhelmed with my own sin. But these girls were doing things that just made my heart sad. And for the 30 that were posing in a way that made my mouth drop, there was ONE that was not. I honestly just got discouraged. It's too much. There's so much sin. Too much. It's not worth it. Nobody cares. They don't want to hear. They're happy. And for the most part, Christians aren't. So what do we have to offer? Why should they want what we have? It's too much.

And then that familiar chord struck deep inside of me. "If one more believes, that's one more that won't perish."

It's worth it, Lord. Just wait. A little more. Let us just win one more. 

But that's weird. Really. It's just weird.