A break

I know that there are legions of fans waiting anxiously for the recap of Staycation Day 4. Okay, fine, my mom is waiting. (Hi, Mom!) I didn't get it done yesterday, because I was a). busy b). sick c). not in the mood to sift through the 300+ pictures we took in that one day. Yes, I know I take too many pictures, but it's my favorite. 

Anyway, I'll get to it. 

I just want to get these remnants of thoughts out of my head from yesterday. 

I received a very innocent, very kind message from a friend yesterday morning. God flipped it into a moment of conviction for me that brought my day to a screeching halt. When faced with anxiety, I physically get moving. Since I am most often confined to my house with the kids, and don't have a treadmill, I can't run to sooth that anxiety. My second mode of relief is cleaning. You might think that this would lead to a spotless house, but some how that doesn't exactly work out the way you would think, but that's another story. Anyway, after the thoughts arrived and planted them self firmly in my mind, I jumped up from my seat and started wiping down the walls. My son said, "If you're going to start cleaning, I'm going to have a break from school..." and wondered off to find his brother. I barely noticed. 

What drove me from my seat was this:

What if my impatience and my impetuousness was what has held up the Lord's plans for me? What if that was the very thing that caused the Lord to withhold what I'd been praying for so vehemently. What if I in effect caused a gridlock and caused God to have to put His plans on hold while He waited for me to learn some basics of trusting Him? What if I caused pain and difficulty for others by my immature approach to God's will for my life?

It seems like everyone I know is waiting for something. Healing for a child, deliverance from suffering, answers to a long said prayer, patience, strength, wisdom, comfort... The list goes on and on. I've seen in all of us an impatience of sorts. We are all living in an age of immediate gratification. I'm worst of all in this area. If I can't have it now, I don't want it. If I can't get it for myself immediately, I'd rather not have it at all. I'll deal with the loss rather than the delayed gratification.

How sickening is that? I don't see that in others really, and as we've all waited and prayed, and I've been inspired by the beautiful patience I've seen in them. I knew the Lord was working in me in this issue, and I've been giving thanks for that. 

But.

I think I've come to the point where the Lord has said, "Enough. It's time to be done with this forever." Actually that point came yesterday. In a sweet, innocent message from a friend. Smack dab in the middle of school.

And I think yesterday He was telling me that this impatience could have cost me a lot. So that's what got me cleaning my walls. (And they needed it, let me tell you.) The day was so busy that I couldn't go collapse onto my bedroom floor and get on my face like I wanted to. I had to march on, dealing with this in small intervals. I mourned that sin. I mean really. It was rough. I felt torn up. It's like I expressed to a friend last week-I felt like I had been tilled like a field-my soul felt ripped open, like a long dark scar on the earth.

Not fun. 

But after spending time pondering this, and communing with God, you know what He said? Oh, He is so good. He assured me that His plan wasn't thwarted. He had that all under control. He didn't allow me to mess anything up. But He did say that this is where the impatience ends. He was firm, loving and very clear. I am no longer allowed to be demanding of Him. The fact that I ever was grieves me tremendously. I have let go of that. I can question Him, mainly because I have to, and He's okay with that. But demanding that I get my way when I want it is not okay. And He's done with me on that.

And then, because He is the faithful Father, He healed the part of me that got ripped open. There is still a scar, though, and it's still tender. But I want that to remain. I want to remember this so that the next time I start my little dance of impatience, He will prick that scar, and I will remember this day and what I learned. I will see and feel the beauty and peace of waiting patiently on Him.

It's so amazing, how God reveals sin. And deals with it in me. I'm so thankful. I'm hoping He allows me time to fully recover from this one before He reveals more, but reveal more, Lord. Show me how to be more like Your Son. That's my obsession. I just want to be like Him. 

And here's one of my favorite pictures from last Thursday, just to tease you (Mom). I think it kind of fits here too. This picture doesn't really do this waterfall justice, but it was so high, to look over the railing made me dizzy. The force and the sound of the water were both soothing and fear inducing. It reminds me of God and His love. Terrifying and beautiful. 

I had to come back and edit this post, because shortly after finishing this post, during school, I read this from Job 42:

 “I know that you can do all things,
and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted.
  ‘Who is this that hides counsel without knowledge?’
Therefore I have uttered what I did not understand,
things too wonderful for me, which I did not know.
  ‘Hear, and I will speak;
I will question you, and you make it known to me.’
  I had heard of you by the hearing of the ear,
but now my eye sees you;
  therefore I despise myself,
and repent in dust and ashes.”

God is so good.