Today

I was thankful to be able to go to the doctor. To have access to medical care. I keep thinking about the people in Haiti who wait, under tents, sick and hurting for care. I think of the doctors and nurses that are working tirelessly to try to treat them.

I heard, as I waited in the waiting room, Chris Tomlin's "How Great is our God," and I heard a lady who was leaving singing it on her way out.

That doesn't happen in a lot of other countries. Heck, it doesn't happened in some parts of THIS country.

I really think there is going to be a day when we can't be free with our beliefs. I think that persecution is coming.

Although I was aggravated that two sinus infections cost us $200 to treat, I am still thankful for the simple fact that we have doctors that we can go see when we need to. And I'm so thankful for a job that can pay those bills.

I think that about sums up my Facebook statuses and Twitter updates for the day. Just wanted to nail those down somewhere. Be a tangible thankful. Or something like that...

Zane

This is one of those, "feel free to ignore" posts. It's really just for me. :)

Zane is officially 3 1/2 now. I can't say things are easy, but I can say that they are easie-R. I can also say that I can look back now, and, with some degree of separation, see why God gave him to me. I don't think I'm quiet ready to put all the reasons down, but I do think I can summarize them by saying that I am at my best when I think I'm at my worst. I seem to create destruction when I'm at my "best." I'm also trying to see how God is going to use me without keeping me beat down. Or maybe He is.

Didn't mean to William Faulkner there. Back to the point...

Zane. Oh yes. I'm starting to see some of the big kid come out in him. It's been fascinating. And reassuring. I see qualities in him that God is going to use in a very mighty way. I'm praying that I'm the mother that he needs me to be. And that He needs me to be.

So on a lighter note, he has been hilarious the last few days, and I just wanted to get these down before they are gone forever.

We were at the McWane center yesterday, and we were hanging out at the shark/sting ray touch tank. One of the sharks, a barracuda shark, I think, was asleep on the bottom of the tank. The nice McWane lady was telling us that they are nocturnal, which made sense to all of us but Zane, and I didn't think to explain it to him. He studied it for a minute, then looked at me and said, "Do they (the McWane center) have him turned off?"

Um, yeah. They do...

This morning we were watching "Monster Jam" and Zane was crawling all over me. I told him that Daddy used to called him "Monster Truck" because Zane just rolls over and knocks down everything in his path: people and objects alike. He grinned and looked at me and said, "Except I don't have wheels."

I can see his critical thinking skill wheels start to turn... ;)

And the last one.

All of my kids have been especially interested in human death here lately. I can't find a reason why-nothing in school precipitated it, nothing in church, and nothing we've really talked about. The older two and I have had numerous conversations about death, heaven and being with Jesus, and I guess Zane has been listening, and processing.

So last night, just after he gets into bed, we have this conversation:

Zane: Mom, where is Heaven?

Me: Up in the sky.

Z: Why do we go there?

Me: Because you love Jesus in your heart. When you die, you go to sleep on earth and wake up in heaven.

Z: But you said we don't sleep in heaven. (This was a conversation in regards to Jude's numerous questions about heaven, one of which was "Do we sleep in heaven?" to which I answered, "No.")

Me: Okay, well, you don't sleep in heaven. You go to sleep here and WAKE UP in heaven.

Z: (he's not done yet) So how do we get to heaven.

Me: (It's late and I'm tired) We fly.

Z: But we can't fly.

Me: (Sensing that I'm going not going to get out of this one easily) Yes, well, our insides fly. You know, like our heart-our spirit. (Holding my breath and wondering how to explain this further to a 3 year old.)

Zane studies me for a minute, and I'm waiting, trying desperately to formulate the answer to the next question he might ask. Then he sits up straighter in the bed and announces:

"Wolverine can't fly either. He just has to poke people..."

Zane got some random Wolverine figure in a bag of toys from the thrift store, and Allen told him what Wolverine's name was. And you can certainly see why Wolverine has to "poke people." As to his inability to fly, I'll have to trust Zane on that one since I have no idea. I do reckon that having those razor thingies would make it hard to fly, never mind trying to brush your teeth. I guess super heroes don't have to brush their teeth, but it seems like I've William Faulknered again.

I am ever so thankful for Zane, and more thankful for what God has taught me through him. I think last week, as I reflected back on some really hard times, I admitted to myself that there were times with him that I really didn't think I could do it. That speaks so much of God's grace and strength that He so freely gives.

Lately

You know how when you drip a drop of paint into some water, and the color is so vivid and bright just for a few seconds? Then the color kind of blends into the water, slowly, and then you can't even see the color anymore?

I tried to take pictures to illustrate my point, but it was a small disaster. So I'm stuck with saying, "you know...?"

That's how my blog posts are in my brain. I get a big glop of a thought, an issue, an idea, and I just plop it on this blog, and then, with the weight of it off my mind, it just kinds of blends way into the other watery parts of my brain.

I like to blog when it's a big blob, because if I wait too long, I don't feel as passionately about it as I did before it got diluted. Sometimes I probably don't wait long enough, and the gloppiness is too evident. Maybe.

Here lately, though, instead of one big glop, my brain as been more like a rain puddle of little glops. Thoughts splash down on my brain and in my soul like little drops, coming so fast and so small that I can't grab hold of any of them long enough to sort through what's going on. The drops hit, then ripple into one another, and I'm left with sort of a rainbow throw up mish mash of all the colors of thoughts that haven't been processed.

You know, like how your kids think they are going to get a new magical, beautiful color when they mix all the colors in their paints together only to find out that what they end up with is a really gross brownish mess.

My brain feels like a gross brownish mess.

So it's been lots of praying and praise, trusting and waiting, loving and adoring. Maybe my brain works better this way. I'm certainly less theoretical this way. Less pondering. More floating and resting. Quiet. Still.

Enjoying all the seasons of my walk with Christ; Even the places we've never been before. Even when, all the while, I'm longing for the comfort of my overthinking.

Drawing a blank

My poor blog. It's lonely, cold and dark in here. (Much like this weather.) No thoughts wanting to be overthought, no words penned (or typed), no cute pictures, no thoughtful videos on this or that.

I was going to do a New Year's post, but looked up my last year's New Year's post and I had all the same "resolutions." Some I owned, some I totally lost out on. (Hello 15 pounds...)

I wanted to do a Christmas slide show, but I just haven't had time.

I wanted to do a "It was a great 2009" slide show, but I haven't had time for that either.

I had some thoughts spinning around in my head, but I'm thinking on the go these days, trying to juggle all that I seem to have to do every day.

How in the world do we have the same 24 hours a day that Martin Luther, C.S. Lewis, Michelangelo, Divinci, and even modern day inspirations like Piper and, okay, fine, I won't say his name (but you know who I'm thinking about...) had? They got SO much done. I can't even get my kitchen floor mopped.

And I don't squander the day away. Even Facebook and Twitter are checked from my phone as I stir oatmeal or as I sneak into the bathroom by myself. (There's a visual image for you)

I don't know if there's anything I can do at this point to lengthen by day, although I am going to start getting up 30 minutes earlier *choke* and just trust God to help me get extra sleep when I am sleeping!

Maybe I need prayer. There's a novel idea, folks. I need to get done everything I want/need to in a day. I've honestly good pretty good until I get the kids to bed. Then I seem to collapse into a heap on exhaustion. I want to use that quiet time to do something productive. Meaningful. Intentional.

I'm so incredibly, indescribably thankful for all that God did in my life last year. I can't tell you how far He brought me, and how far He's promised to take me this year. I'm trying to live in faith, not afraid of what this year will bring. It's a struggle, but the study on Abraham that He brought me this week has just blown me away. I'm so thankful and humbled that He cares enough about every single detail of my life, down to tying together all my studies so that I know, without a doubt, that He's orchestrating everything in my life to bring about good for His glory. So amazing.

These are my verses for this year: Job 23:10-14

But He knows the way that I take; when He has tried me, I shall come out as gold.

My foot has held fast to His steps; I have kept His way and have not turned aside.

I have not departed from the commandment of His lips; I have treasured the words of His mouth more than my portion of food.

But He is unchangeable and who can turn Him back? What He desires, that He does.

For He will complete what He appoints for me, and many such things are in His mind.

Make it so, Lord, PLEASE make it so...

I guess I did have a blog post in there after all! It was kinda like when you have water in your ear after swimming, and you jump up and down on one leg with your head to the side, hitting the opposite side of your head until the water comes out. I did that and this blog post poured out! And it was warm and a sweet release too! (just like that water finally coming out of your ear!) :P

Good to know:

http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2009/12/29/The-7-Foods-Experts-Wont-Eat.aspx?sms_ss=facebook

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

I hope your Christmas is filled with joy, hope and peace that can only come from the Savior that came from above!!!!!

Oh by the way, you don't have cancer

One afternoon, several weeks ago, I found something weird about myself physically. I'll spare you the details, but let's just say I knew immediately that something wasn't right. I sat down on the stairs in my house, and did what you are never, ever supposed to do. I Googled. And the first word that popped up was "Cancer."

I sat there, absolutely frozen, and I literally saw a fork in the road.

A couple of years ago, the old me would have bolted to the phone, crying, and called everyone I knew, seeking advice and reassurance. I would have jumped on the computer, researching all the facts I could find on the "situation" and spiraled into the great land of "what if?" It looked so nice, that fork in the road. So comforting, fulfilling. Fleshly, and oh so tempting.

The other way was a way that is newer to me. It was a way of peace, acceptance and faith. Ugh. My favorite word. Faith. I sat there, pondering which way I wanted to go. It was a true decision. Sitting there, on my stairs, with my busy world swirling around me, I felt like Keanu Reeves in "The Matrix." Everything was going on around me, and I sat there, frozen.

It sounds so melodramatic. It was, in fact, monumental. I saw that God was saying, "Okay. You've been working really hard. Dedicating yourself to Me. Learning. Studying. Progressing. Now, is it real?" I felt the weight of the importance of this. It was real. I got up, and went on with my afternoon. My night. My weekend.

I made the right decision.

It's funny too. I went that night and sat with one of my best friends for literally 7 hours. You don't know HOW much I wanted to grab her hand just for one second and say, "Can we pray over this?"

But I didn't. For 3 days, I didn't say a word to another single soul. God and I hashed it out in my heart.

I knew that it could totally be nothing. I also knew that God wasn't wanting to see how I reacted to "nothing." He wanted to see how I'd react to "something."

I had watched a dear friend struggle for years and years with cancer, and I saw her leave her 13 year old daughter who didn't have a father. I felt the grief of one of my favorite people in the world being ripped away by cancer. (The Lord has done miracles in that 13 year old girl, by the way. She's grown, married and a mama now, loving Christ all the way. Thank you, Jesus.)

I came to grips with that years ago. Leaving my kids, I mean. I told God that if they were better off without me, then I was okay with leaving them. Really. He loves them more than I do, and He would find the perfect person to raise them. I was good there.

But, this was different. This was the great unknown of medical bills, pain, suffering, difficulties. I wandered there in my weak moments time to time, but really, I just soldiered on with Jesus. Me and Him.

I saw the worry in my doctor's eyes, even as we joked about my coming out in a hurricane to get checked out. He said we'd know for sure in a week what was up. 7 days. Okay, cool...

That's a long time to be strong about something like that.

Okay, enough of the drama. I am fine. And after it was all over, the Lord said, "You know, I'm proud of you. You handled that pretty well." I was humbled, because it's only that GOD didn't give up on me a long time ago that I have made any progress in my life.

It's only because He has pushed me so much farther than I thought I could EVER go. He has pulled me out of my complacency. He has dragged me from all the earthly pleasures I used to cling to. He has separated me from all my securities that didn't lie with Him. He removed all my comforts that used to sooth my soul. All except those that came from Him.

Goodness.

And he's not done yet. Thank you, Lord. You still have so much work to do on this old, yucky me.

Then, as I still pondered these things, Thanksgiving morning, one of my "friends" had a seizure, fell, hit his head and was taken to the hospital.

Now I say "friend" because I'm weird. If you influence my life, if God uses you in my life, if I am grown and challenged by you, even if I don't know you personally, you are my "friend." Even if you are famous. ;)

My "friend" is Matt Chandler. He pastors a church in Texas called the Village Church. http://fm.thevillagechurch.net/


If you want to get shaken up a bit, or challenged, give him a listen. I love that he is fighting that good fight. The real fight. Making it happen.

Long blog post shortened just a bit, Matt has a tumor in his brain. They operated, didn't get all of it, and determined that it's cancer.

My heart broke. I knew 1/100th of what he was going through. I had just been there, experiencing just a fraction, oh just a fraction, of what he is going through. My heart broke for him, his family and his church family.

His testimony during all of this has been amazing. So profound. His last Tweet was, "Why not me? Why not you?" Oh my soul.

I am praying most of all for comfort for his spirit. That God will be fabulously glorified through his journey. That people will come to know Jesus through all this.

This article is amazing:

http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2009/decemberweb-only/151-11.0.html?start=2



This blog post rocked my world. And I'm sure this man is really a friend with Matt Chandler:


http://jrvassar.posterous.com/thinking-of-my-friend-matt-chandler-and-the-d


And this is Lauren Chandler's blog:


http://www.themchandlers.blogspot.com/




So pray with me for my "friend" Matt Chandler and all those around him.

And pray for the challenges that will come to you in your life. Pray in advance of them, so that when they come, you can glorify God, bringing others to Him. I am. So very, very much.

Because it is no doubt to me that more hard stuff is going to come. Stuff that will knock me off my feet. So I pray now, that God will be strong in me, so I can glorify Him, just in case I can't pray the right prayer when that time comes.