Oh by the way, you don't have cancer

One afternoon, several weeks ago, I found something weird about myself physically. I'll spare you the details, but let's just say I knew immediately that something wasn't right. I sat down on the stairs in my house, and did what you are never, ever supposed to do. I Googled. And the first word that popped up was "Cancer."

I sat there, absolutely frozen, and I literally saw a fork in the road.

A couple of years ago, the old me would have bolted to the phone, crying, and called everyone I knew, seeking advice and reassurance. I would have jumped on the computer, researching all the facts I could find on the "situation" and spiraled into the great land of "what if?" It looked so nice, that fork in the road. So comforting, fulfilling. Fleshly, and oh so tempting.

The other way was a way that is newer to me. It was a way of peace, acceptance and faith. Ugh. My favorite word. Faith. I sat there, pondering which way I wanted to go. It was a true decision. Sitting there, on my stairs, with my busy world swirling around me, I felt like Keanu Reeves in "The Matrix." Everything was going on around me, and I sat there, frozen.

It sounds so melodramatic. It was, in fact, monumental. I saw that God was saying, "Okay. You've been working really hard. Dedicating yourself to Me. Learning. Studying. Progressing. Now, is it real?" I felt the weight of the importance of this. It was real. I got up, and went on with my afternoon. My night. My weekend.

I made the right decision.

It's funny too. I went that night and sat with one of my best friends for literally 7 hours. You don't know HOW much I wanted to grab her hand just for one second and say, "Can we pray over this?"

But I didn't. For 3 days, I didn't say a word to another single soul. God and I hashed it out in my heart.

I knew that it could totally be nothing. I also knew that God wasn't wanting to see how I reacted to "nothing." He wanted to see how I'd react to "something."

I had watched a dear friend struggle for years and years with cancer, and I saw her leave her 13 year old daughter who didn't have a father. I felt the grief of one of my favorite people in the world being ripped away by cancer. (The Lord has done miracles in that 13 year old girl, by the way. She's grown, married and a mama now, loving Christ all the way. Thank you, Jesus.)

I came to grips with that years ago. Leaving my kids, I mean. I told God that if they were better off without me, then I was okay with leaving them. Really. He loves them more than I do, and He would find the perfect person to raise them. I was good there.

But, this was different. This was the great unknown of medical bills, pain, suffering, difficulties. I wandered there in my weak moments time to time, but really, I just soldiered on with Jesus. Me and Him.

I saw the worry in my doctor's eyes, even as we joked about my coming out in a hurricane to get checked out. He said we'd know for sure in a week what was up. 7 days. Okay, cool...

That's a long time to be strong about something like that.

Okay, enough of the drama. I am fine. And after it was all over, the Lord said, "You know, I'm proud of you. You handled that pretty well." I was humbled, because it's only that GOD didn't give up on me a long time ago that I have made any progress in my life.

It's only because He has pushed me so much farther than I thought I could EVER go. He has pulled me out of my complacency. He has dragged me from all the earthly pleasures I used to cling to. He has separated me from all my securities that didn't lie with Him. He removed all my comforts that used to sooth my soul. All except those that came from Him.

Goodness.

And he's not done yet. Thank you, Lord. You still have so much work to do on this old, yucky me.

Then, as I still pondered these things, Thanksgiving morning, one of my "friends" had a seizure, fell, hit his head and was taken to the hospital.

Now I say "friend" because I'm weird. If you influence my life, if God uses you in my life, if I am grown and challenged by you, even if I don't know you personally, you are my "friend." Even if you are famous. ;)

My "friend" is Matt Chandler. He pastors a church in Texas called the Village Church. http://fm.thevillagechurch.net/


If you want to get shaken up a bit, or challenged, give him a listen. I love that he is fighting that good fight. The real fight. Making it happen.

Long blog post shortened just a bit, Matt has a tumor in his brain. They operated, didn't get all of it, and determined that it's cancer.

My heart broke. I knew 1/100th of what he was going through. I had just been there, experiencing just a fraction, oh just a fraction, of what he is going through. My heart broke for him, his family and his church family.

His testimony during all of this has been amazing. So profound. His last Tweet was, "Why not me? Why not you?" Oh my soul.

I am praying most of all for comfort for his spirit. That God will be fabulously glorified through his journey. That people will come to know Jesus through all this.

This article is amazing:

http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2009/decemberweb-only/151-11.0.html?start=2



This blog post rocked my world. And I'm sure this man is really a friend with Matt Chandler:


http://jrvassar.posterous.com/thinking-of-my-friend-matt-chandler-and-the-d


And this is Lauren Chandler's blog:


http://www.themchandlers.blogspot.com/




So pray with me for my "friend" Matt Chandler and all those around him.

And pray for the challenges that will come to you in your life. Pray in advance of them, so that when they come, you can glorify God, bringing others to Him. I am. So very, very much.

Because it is no doubt to me that more hard stuff is going to come. Stuff that will knock me off my feet. So I pray now, that God will be strong in me, so I can glorify Him, just in case I can't pray the right prayer when that time comes.