Push back

I read this article earlier today, and it was an appropriate addition to our week. 

My daughter is pushing back.

Long ago I banned all live television directed at kids above the age of 5. After continuously seeing the horrific sinful decisions these young actors made in their real lives, I decided they had no place in my daughter's life. At all. I know that I can't determine all of her influences, but there was no way I was going to allow these people to get to her at such a young age.

I realize that the previous paragraph makes me sound like a paranoid uber religious fanatic who doesn't own a television and bicycles everywhere. 

Yeah, well.

Long ago I stopped caring what other families were doing, what was deemed right and acceptable by society and what others viewed as unusual.

And I went on with things.

But. 

Now, at the age of 9, my daughter is questioning those boundaries. Fervently. About television. About music.

She begged to check out a Carrie Underwood cd from the library. I felt an uneasiness, but I agreed. (When will I learn to trust the Holy Spirit's instant prompting? When?)

She came home, went to her room, popped in her cd, started to listen, and after a few minutes I felt the Prompting to get into her room now.

As soon as I went into her room, I could tell by the look on her face that she was doing something she knew was wrong. 

This song was playing:

"Last Name"

Last night I got served a little bit too much of that poison baby
Last night I did things I'm not proud of
And I got a little crazy
Last night I met a guy on the dance floor
And I let him call me baby

And I don't even know his last name
Oh, my mama would be so ashamed
It started off "Hey cutie, where ya from?"
And then it turned in,
"Oh no, what have I done?"
And I don't even know his last name

We left the club right around three o'clock in the morning
His Pinto sitting there in the parking lot Well it should have been a warning
I had no clue what I was getting into
So I blame it on the Cuervo
Oh where did my manners go?

And I don't even know his last name
Oh, my mama would be so ashamed
It started off "Hey cutie, where ya from?"
And then it turned in,
"Oh no, what have I done?"
And I don't even know his last name
Here we go...

Today I woke up thinkin' about Elvis somewhere in Vegas
I'm not sure how I got here
Or how this ring on my left hand just appeared out of nowhere
I gotta go
I take the chips and the Pinto and hit the road
They say what happens here stays here
All of this will disappear
There's just one little problem...

I don't even know my last name
Oh my mama would be so ashamed
It started off "Hey cutie, where ya from?"
And then it turned in,
"Oh no, what have I done?"
And I don't even know my last name

What have I done
What have I done
What have I done
Oh, what have I done
I don't even know my last name

It turned into
"Oh no, what have I done?"
And I don't even know my last

It started off "Hey cutie, where ya from?"
And then it turned into
"Oh no, what have I done?"
And I don't even know my last name

my last name

I took the cd, and my daughter dissolved into a fit of tears.  

Boy, I was furious. Mad at myself not listening to that Voice, mad at my daughter for being upset by my taking that crap away from her, and mad that I couldn't tell her all of the exact reasons that I needed to protect her from this garbage and more.

Boy, I was mad.

And so was she.

She looked at me with a tear stained face and said, "Why is Christ-like the only thing I can be?"

I gasped on the inside at her boldness. I felt horror at what she had said. I was ashamed, and for a moment, that familiar voice whispered, you've really blown it with this kid...

I stabbed down that voice with a flaming sword and looked her directly in the eye.

Unafraid.

I am not afraid to parent her in spite of my past failures. I won't give in to those lies. I am worthy to parent her. It doesn't matter what I've done. I do expect her to do better. I expect her not to make those same mistakes.

What ensued was a long conversation soaked in love and compassion in light of my own failures and sinful desires and firmness. 

I thought we made head way.

The next day was better. I thought. She looked at me and asked if we could go back to the library and get some more cds. But, "... not Christian ones..."

Deep breath.

I know she's pushing back. Testing. Feeling the boundaries. Making sure I'm worthy of being her parent.

She always has. Even from day one. 

(God will use that to His glory one day. This head-strongness. This fortitude.)

Making the matter worse is that I can't articulate all that's at stake here. I very nearly sat her down and made her read that article up there. In it's entirety. Maybe it's time I handed her all the facts of life full force so that I can explain to her exactly what hinges on her tiny obedience here.

I know why parents let things go. This is so hard. I get tired of explaining. I get tired of the pushing. I get tired of the constant need to demand that we all walk in holiness.

I'm tired of the conviction in my own life. 

So I retreat back to the Word. And study. And pray. And trust. 

And I keep pushing back. 

Galatians 6:9

And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up.

(and my kid is a good kid. she loves Christ. she has a good heart. she has a desire to do what's right. i in no way want to disparage her or alter her reputation in any way. what i see playing out in her is nothing that i haven't seen in my own life each and every day. she's an amazing kid. she's struggling in the same way that we all are. and these decisions i've made are made in light of what's right for our family and in obedience to God.)