Do you like me? Check "yes" or "no"

I already hate this post. I don't want to write it. It's been rolling around in my head for so long, though, I'm going to bite the bullet and get this sucker out. 

A couple of weeks ago, I had a strange altercation with a friend. It ended rather badly, and my first thought was, "Huh. Guess she doesn't want to be friends anymore." I was talking to my husband, and I relayed the story to him. He responded, "Instead of thinking you aren't friends anymore, how about thinking she was just having a bad day. How about trying grace and mercy?"

Mental note: Girlfriends are for sympathy, husbands are for fixing things. Think after almost 15 years I would have figured this out? I was whiny, wounded and hurt. I wanted petting, but you know what? I got what I needed instead of what I wanted.

So now, the overthinker had two things to ponder. 

1. Why did I care so much that someone wanted to end a friendship? Why am I so afraid of someone not liking me?

2. Where was my grace and mercy?

*sigh*

I know full well that there are people that don't like me. I've had altercations before. I'm not afraid of conflict, actually. I'm usually rattled after the fact, but I'm thankful for the spitfire that God has created in me after years of being too shy or afraid to confront someone. :) I don't relish the conflict, but I am sure as heck not afraid of it. (Unless it's going to be damaging in some way.) So conflict and it's resolution is fine.

Someone not liking me is not fine. And I get it. There are things about me that are totally unlikeable. I'm loud. I talk a lot and usually quickly. I'm stubborn, brash and passionate about what I believe, and loud about that. I've been told that I'm intimidating and make people defensive. That's just the short list. 

So what's not to like?

Still, it bothers me to think that someone has an issue with me, or simply doesn't like me. And I wrestled with why I care so much. I know I shouldn't. I know who I am in Christ. I know what He's transforming me to be. I know that He's eliminating all the bad in me to make me more like Him. I know He's given me good qualities. I try to maximize them through Him.  I know that being filled with the Spirit and staying in the Word are ways that He flows through me more, beating down the bad that I really am. 

So why do I care when someone doesn't like me?

I really couldn't find an answer.

Until. 

My daughter went to a spend the night party with several girls. She came home the next day, and during our conversation about the party, she blurted out, "Mom, one of the girls was mean to me. She didn't like me!" 

We talked about it, and it did seem, based on the little girl's actions, that she really didn't like my girl. And I could see it all reflected on her face. Then it hit me. That's why it mattered to her. And to me.

It hurts. 

So that was it. That's what happens when someone doesn't like you. It hurts. Whether you are my ancient age or whether you are 8, it hurts. 

Well, that cleared things up. 

I got over it. Honestly, I don't care if people like me. As my precious fellow overthinker pointed out during on of our "processing out loud" conversations about this, it's preposterous to think that everyone you meet will like you. It's even narcissistic to want everyone to.

Furthermore, if I'm walking in obedience to Christ with my eyes on Him, isn't it probable that I'm not going to be liked by everyone? Didn't Jesus kind of talk about that. A lot? 

Yep.

Okay.

I'm feeling better. Who cares. Really. I can say that now. I'm not saying that the next time I find a new person that doesn't like me, and I'm sure it won't be long even, that it won't take me a moment to re-process and remind myself of all of this. 

And I don't want to come off as having a pity party. I am blessed SO far beyond measure with the super amazing and incredible girls who love Christ and push me to be more like Him. They truly love me, all my faults included, and tell me so often. 

That makes all this even more ridiculous.

I told you I didn't want to type all this out. 

Now that I had that taken care of, back to my husband.

Where was my grace and mercy? Why was I so quick to cut something off instead of extending grace. And mercy?

Huh.

There's tons and tons to this, and you can keep reading, because I'm SO not going to type it all out here. 

I did ponder this, though. A lot.

I had a book in my shelf that I hadn't ever read. It was on grace. I pulled it out and dove in, just trying to get some sort of grip on some of this.

I didn't get very far in the book. You know what the author said? He asked if I wanted a definition of grace. He said instead of offering that, he was going to show me what it was instead of defining it. 

I just closed the book. That was all I needed. I don't need to examine what grace it. I just need to show it. 

That may not have made any sense. 

It did to me, though. 

I want to finish reading that book, but more importantly, I want to demonstrate the same grace extended to me, by God, and not because it's intrinsic to me in some situation. I want to be intentional about how I extend grace in situations where everything in me really just wants to walk away. That's hard, for me anyway.

My sweet friend also pointed out that I favor justice.

A more precise comment is that I'm obsessed with justice.

How ironic, since I'm shown no justice for all my sins. Only grace. And mercy. 

I guess that's it. 

I'm okay if you don't like me. I'd prefer that you still be kind, but if you're not, that's okay too. That's between you and God. I'll show grace. I'll be grace. 

And I sure hope you'll do the same for me. 

(I'm also sure that an opportunity for me to demonstrate this will be right around the corner. Please pray I put into practice what I've learned. Thank you.)