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Then please buy me this!



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Is that not the sweetest thing? Especially for a journal addict like myself! I adore all of her stuff...

First day (week) of school

I was nervous about school starting.

I was worried about Jude because I knew he wasn't excited about school. We weren't really ready to start, but I just needed to start, just to get over the first few days. Sure enough, I didn't have everything I needed and didn't feel prepared in the least bit. It did feel good to just jump in there, though, and see that it could be done. *sigh*

So the first day, we worked hard. I got up at 6, did my bible study, walked,

cooked breakfast, and started school at 8. That right there is some stress. I switched off between the kids, keeping them together only for Bible. Jude liked having the frequent breaks, but since this is new for Laney, she soon started asking when her next break was. I was more in motion, which I like, but I also felt like I was juggling the whole time. And of course, Zane was there to fill in any quiet seconds with loud demands of this or that. Or just to scream to make sure we all were sure he was there. *sigh*

It's so funny, that after the first day, I was like, "WHEW. That's over." It's a split second before I realize that I have to do it again tomorrow. And the next day. And the one after that. For. the. next. *20* years. Okay, let's not go there, because I just had a full blown panic attack.

My mom brought lunch and spent the rest of the day with us. Since we see don't see her much during the (real) school year, that was especially sweet. It was a good first day.

Jude seemed to like school at first. Then, as the week went along, reality started setting in for him, and he said he didn't like it. I can deal with that, but then, heartbreakingly, he started acting out. Doing things that he normally doesn't do, being really disobedient and sadly most of all, not wanting to love on me at all. *sigh*

I got that he was not really happy about school, but instead of coming home to me to tell me about it, *I* was his teacher, and so that had to be hard for him. I was the one making him do this thing he's not crazy about. That was pretty hard to deal with. Guess you know what's coming... *sigh* (Allen says I sigh a lot. Joyce Meyer says that sighing is complaining without saying anything. Oh boy.)

We took this week off. (!) I just needed to ease Jude, and me, into this thing. I didn't want to stress him out completely or make him hate school for good. I needed time to think about last week, think about what to do differently and how to approach things. Every time I ask him if he likes school, he says "no." Then I ask him if there is anything he likes, and he'll say, "Well, I like math and science. And I like to read. And I like the writing part. And I like it when you read to me, kind of." That basically leaves out Bible, which, honestly I don't care if he likes or not. I'm going to pour scripture over these kids regardless. That said, when you break it down, he likes all the parts of school, just not the idea of school. I can deal with that. That's kinda how I feel...

I don't want to paint a totally negative picture here. I do love schooling my kids. I love so many of the parts of this experience. I am very honest about how hard it is, and where I struggle. Each morning I am counting on God to give me the precious mercies to do what He's called me to do.

Lamentations 3:22-23 (Amplified Bible)

It is because of the Lord's mercy and loving-kindness that we are not consumed, because His [tender] compassions fail not.

They are new every morning; great and abundant is Your stability and faithfulness.

I also know that I am doing what God called me to do, without a doubt. There is peace and joy in obedience, no matter how hard it is. I have disobeyed and done things the easy way, and I was itching to get back to the hard stuff, the pain was so bad. Like jumping back into a frying pan. I'd rather get back in the pan with God than be out of it without Him. In a bad way.

I was so blessed last week too, by moms who have and who do walk along my path. They tell you it gets easier, and that's such sweet encouragement. I honestly stopped thinking my life was going to be easy years ago, but to hear that it get's better with practice is great news. My trembling spirit needed to hear that.

God also showed me that He's demanding that I keep my eyes on HIM. Any time my little voice starts to squeak, "What about me?" He gently or not so lifts my chin so I look Him square in the face and reminds me that He's concerned about nothing else other than me. He's taking me through all of this for my betterment. To glorify Him. To bring out HIM in ME. To make me Christ-like. To make me radically different than the rest of the world. And that all starts with my tiny steps of obedience in homeschooling my children, among other things.

So yes, it's hard. But I'm glad. I don't want God to go easy on me. I want to please Him much more than I want an easy life.

And I can end this post with absolutely no sigh at all.

A weird thing happened here last night...

For the first time, in 7 1/2 years, I slept in a bed with no kids. Yep. It's true. I somehow convinced Zane to sleep on the futon in our bedroom. He calls it "Jude's Bed" since this was where Jude slept when he transitioned from our bed to his own bed. Zane slept all night, and woke up at his usual 6ish. I don't know if he'll do it again, but I'm gonna try. I laughed, because when he went upstairs to wake Allen up, he got his pillow off "his" bed and put it back in our bed, right in between Allen's and my pillows. I'm gonna put that sucker back on the futon! I'm excited about having my bed back!

That said, I don't second guess my co-sleeping choices at all. I wouldn't trade the experiences with my kids for anything in the whole world. I actually missed that little guy in my bed, but it's okay with me if he moves to his own. Just another sign that they are all growing up! And I am SO happy! And thankful!!!

The Invisible Mom

Thank you to the mom that shared this with me. I think I just really needed this to be in my heart this week:

The Invisible MOM
It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask to be taken to the store. Inside I'm thinking, "Can't you see I'm on the phone?" Obviously not; no one can see if I'm on the
phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all. I'm invisible. The invisible Mom.

Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more: Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this? Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being.
I'm a clock to ask, "What time is it?" I'm a satellite guide to answer, "What number is the Disney Channel?" I'm a car to order, "Right around 5:30, please." I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history and the mind that graduated summa cum laude - but now they had disap peared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She's going, she's going, she's gone!

One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England. Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself as I looked down at my out-of-style dress; it was the only thing I could find that was clean. My unwashed hair was pulled up in a hair clip and I was afraid I could actually smell peanut butter in it. I was feeling pretty
pathetic, when Janice turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, "I brought you this." It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe. I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it to me until I read her inscription: "To Carol , with admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees."

In the days ahead I would read - no, devour - the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work: No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record of their names. These builders gave
their whole lives for a work they would never see finished. They made great sacrifices and expected no credit. The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything. A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the
cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, "Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof? No one will ever see it." And the workman replied, "Because God sees."

I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place. It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, "I see you, Charlotte. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does. No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become."

At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a disease that is erasing my life. It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride. I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on. The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.

When I really think about it, I don't want my daughter to tell the friend she's bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, "My mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for three hours and presses all the linens for the table." That would mean I'd built a shrine or a monument to myself. I just want her to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to her friend, to add, "You're gonna love it there."

As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we're doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible women.

The Amazing... Spiderman!

So my friend Andi is the master planner. She has amazing activities planned for every day of the week, especially in the summer. So thankfully I am able to snatch some of her fun ideas for us. This was one of them that I never would have thought of to do on my own. Spider Man was coming to the Hoover Library. I had never even been to Hoover Library. I grabbed Brooks, our sweet little friend, and off we went!

Well, I was thinking it was going to be like an assembly kind of thing. It was, in fact, more of a meet and greet. So the line was waaay back to the back of the library. We waited in line for an hour and 20 minutes. Oh boy. It occured to me, about an hour into the wait, that Zane may not even want to MEET Spider Man. We were committed by this point. Then I saw my friend Cristina scoot to the side, lift her son up and let him SEE Spider Man, and then they scooted off. I literally could have smacked my head. Why didn't I think of that? Oh me.

They waited ever so patiently, see?

There he is!!! He's giving autographs too!

Yep. Zane would have nothing to do with him. At all. See the look on my face? I am so very compassionate and understanding.

This was as close to SM as any of my kids would get. Yep, that's it.

They were proud of their autographs!


Now see, everyone LOVES Spider Man from this vantage point. Know how we found it? They had to go to the bathroom. Had we done that first, we would have seen the Amazing Spider Man from a nice, safe distance. And saved ourselves a lot of time. Not that I'm bitter or anything.

Thankfully, Jenn swooped in to save the day. We were ready for some non-Spider-Man fun! Not that he wasn't perfectly pleasant or anything. He was. For a man in tights and all.

Just one, quick pic! BROOKS!!!!! Okay, let's try that again.

Well, this was as close to a picture of just the two of us that we were going to get. Oh well. Someday, baby!

4th of July

I love the 4th so much. I'm not sure why. I think I just love holidays. This one is just fabulous fun-food, family and fireworks. And they all start with "f"!!! Well, that's neat. Anyway, we started out with our favorite 4th tradition-Full Moon BBQ. Man, we love that place! After lunch, Allen wasn't feeling well. He had hurt his back earlier in the day. Unfortunately, he had to play that night, so he needed to get some rest before he played. So we dropped him back at the house, and the kids and I went for some retail fun. We hit the thrift store and Book-A-Million for the train table. Can't beat that fun!

I absolutely hate it when Allen plays on holidays, and I pitch a really big fit whenever he mentions it. Evidently my fits aren't big enough, because this is the 2nd year he's played this particular 4th of July party. Last year we just went to bed, but this year, I really wanted the kids to see some fireworks. Luckily some friends were going to Helena to see their fireworks, and that sounded perfect to me. Close to home, yet guaranteed fun. Or I hoped!

The kids did like the fireworks. Towards the end Zane said he was scared and wanted to go home, but he really did great. It felt like a real 4th of July, but I'm going to pitch the world's biggest fit if he plays again next year. I just really, really hate him not being with us on holidays. I know lots of families have to deal with this, and it's just hard. I guess I'm just a selfish wife, because I want my husband with me on holidays! And maybe next year, we can take Bella!

Not so extreme home makeover

So last summer, I set out to paint our house. The inside. I think I was maybe on temporary leave of my senses or something, but I got most of the painting done. I just had this one upstairs bathroom to finish. I knew I had to get it done before school started, or it wouldn't get done. I actually had to delay school a week, to get this done. I was determined.

I decided to do it the same sage green that I painted the living room. Mostly because I discovered that I am running out of colors that I would consider painting rooms in my house! I liked it, though, so green it was.

I had bought this sweet shower curtain at a garage sale last summer, and found some great shower curtain hangers to go with it, at the same garage sale. Then, at another garage sale, I found some amazing plates and some little tiny shelves that I knew would go in the bathroom too. I tucked them into a closet until I could get to the painting. I didn't know it was going to be a whole year, but anyway. I found a great rug on clearance at Target that completed the set, and I was ready to go.

So after 2 coats of primer and 2 1/2 coats of paint, the bathroom was done. I was so excited to get everything in there and see how it all looked. And then. Oh no. It didn't match. ARG!!!! WHAT?

The shower curtain was much more of a true sage, where as the walls were, oh I don't know. Behr called it "Sage Green" but I call it kind of a blueish sagey kinda green. I was just tired and irritated that it didn't work out the way I wanted it to.

So then my personal shopper/decorator and I went to WalMart and picked out this dark brown number. I wasn't sure about it, especially when we got a dark red rug to go with it. But after I got it in the bathroom, it all came together. It's fun, and I do like it.


It has this great detail on the top and bottom of it, and that's my favorite part. I have laughed at Zane so much, because he looks at it and says, "I don't like that." I say, "Why?" and he says, "Because it's brown." So not everyone is happy with it. Honestly, I am just glad it's done.



I was thinking how glad I was that we were done "updating" things, when, during a trip to Lowe's, we found light fixtures for our bathroom for 85% off. Really. So here we go again.

Then the kids decided that it was only fair for the boys to have the bigger room upstairs and let Laney have the smaller room that the boys have now. Simple, right? Um, nope. Laney's room is pink. We'll have to change ceiling fans and switch out closets too. I agree it needs to happen, but the thought of switching out those rooms makes me want to hyperventilate. So maybe when December rolls around and we get another break, we'll be up for another round of Extreme Home Makeover. Oh, I hope I'll be up for it.