First day (week) of school

I was nervous about school starting.

I was worried about Jude because I knew he wasn't excited about school. We weren't really ready to start, but I just needed to start, just to get over the first few days. Sure enough, I didn't have everything I needed and didn't feel prepared in the least bit. It did feel good to just jump in there, though, and see that it could be done. *sigh*

So the first day, we worked hard. I got up at 6, did my bible study, walked,

cooked breakfast, and started school at 8. That right there is some stress. I switched off between the kids, keeping them together only for Bible. Jude liked having the frequent breaks, but since this is new for Laney, she soon started asking when her next break was. I was more in motion, which I like, but I also felt like I was juggling the whole time. And of course, Zane was there to fill in any quiet seconds with loud demands of this or that. Or just to scream to make sure we all were sure he was there. *sigh*

It's so funny, that after the first day, I was like, "WHEW. That's over." It's a split second before I realize that I have to do it again tomorrow. And the next day. And the one after that. For. the. next. *20* years. Okay, let's not go there, because I just had a full blown panic attack.

My mom brought lunch and spent the rest of the day with us. Since we see don't see her much during the (real) school year, that was especially sweet. It was a good first day.

Jude seemed to like school at first. Then, as the week went along, reality started setting in for him, and he said he didn't like it. I can deal with that, but then, heartbreakingly, he started acting out. Doing things that he normally doesn't do, being really disobedient and sadly most of all, not wanting to love on me at all. *sigh*

I got that he was not really happy about school, but instead of coming home to me to tell me about it, *I* was his teacher, and so that had to be hard for him. I was the one making him do this thing he's not crazy about. That was pretty hard to deal with. Guess you know what's coming... *sigh* (Allen says I sigh a lot. Joyce Meyer says that sighing is complaining without saying anything. Oh boy.)

We took this week off. (!) I just needed to ease Jude, and me, into this thing. I didn't want to stress him out completely or make him hate school for good. I needed time to think about last week, think about what to do differently and how to approach things. Every time I ask him if he likes school, he says "no." Then I ask him if there is anything he likes, and he'll say, "Well, I like math and science. And I like to read. And I like the writing part. And I like it when you read to me, kind of." That basically leaves out Bible, which, honestly I don't care if he likes or not. I'm going to pour scripture over these kids regardless. That said, when you break it down, he likes all the parts of school, just not the idea of school. I can deal with that. That's kinda how I feel...

I don't want to paint a totally negative picture here. I do love schooling my kids. I love so many of the parts of this experience. I am very honest about how hard it is, and where I struggle. Each morning I am counting on God to give me the precious mercies to do what He's called me to do.

Lamentations 3:22-23 (Amplified Bible)

It is because of the Lord's mercy and loving-kindness that we are not consumed, because His [tender] compassions fail not.

They are new every morning; great and abundant is Your stability and faithfulness.

I also know that I am doing what God called me to do, without a doubt. There is peace and joy in obedience, no matter how hard it is. I have disobeyed and done things the easy way, and I was itching to get back to the hard stuff, the pain was so bad. Like jumping back into a frying pan. I'd rather get back in the pan with God than be out of it without Him. In a bad way.

I was so blessed last week too, by moms who have and who do walk along my path. They tell you it gets easier, and that's such sweet encouragement. I honestly stopped thinking my life was going to be easy years ago, but to hear that it get's better with practice is great news. My trembling spirit needed to hear that.

God also showed me that He's demanding that I keep my eyes on HIM. Any time my little voice starts to squeak, "What about me?" He gently or not so lifts my chin so I look Him square in the face and reminds me that He's concerned about nothing else other than me. He's taking me through all of this for my betterment. To glorify Him. To bring out HIM in ME. To make me Christ-like. To make me radically different than the rest of the world. And that all starts with my tiny steps of obedience in homeschooling my children, among other things.

So yes, it's hard. But I'm glad. I don't want God to go easy on me. I want to please Him much more than I want an easy life.

And I can end this post with absolutely no sigh at all.