Just funny

These are funny, just for us and to document things for later. (Definitely not to brag or make much of us. God is so good. :) ) And if you watch them, you'll get a good idea of what our life is like. :)

The one where I came to the end of myself

On September 29th I started this post. It's October 15th, and I still don't want to finish it. Of course I'm ready to get done with it so that I can stop thinking about it. Or maybe that's why I don't want to finish it-I don't want to stop thinking about it. I don't want to go back to who I was. And I don't want to stay here. I want God to so supernaturally change me to look so much like His Son that people know it was divine intervention because I look so little that the Amy that I am, and the one that I used to be. So I'm going to finish this post out of obedience and pray that I don't stop living what I learned. 


"When we are at our wits' end for an answer, then the Holy Spirit can give us an answer. But how can He give us an answer when we are still well supplied with all sorts of answers of our own?"

Karl Barth

My life hasn't always been easy. My mom had me when she was 16. Dad left us when she was 19. That's how things started. I'm not here to complain about it all, though. Much the opposite, really. I'm thankful for it all now. I'm thankful for every single hard thing that's even been in my life. Sometimes when I'm feeling sorry for myself or worn down, I'll lay all the unfair instances of my life end to end to see how far they'll stretch, and then I'll congratulate myself for beating the odds and not becoming one of the statistics. (But I could have and should have been an statistic.) Isn't that great?

Regardless of all of that, or actually because of all that, I got strong pretty quickly. In fact I got too strong. I got stubborn, defensive, rebellious and proud. I guess I had to, for a lot of reasons, but my strength came from myself and not from where it should have come. I didn't care, though, because I could take care of myself, and that worked just fine, thank you very much. I even celebrated it. I had framed on my wall for many years an original sketch by an artist that said, "When tears of rain fall, I take comfort in knowing that it's enough to be taken care of by myself." 

How a child of God can get that far away from Him is another post. I won't go there now. 

The fact is that I went along, being strong. That strength served its purpose well.  I got through college with almost no help, got jobs where I was always in charge (huge surprise, huh?) and survived in a marriage where the spouse worked a lot. How could the strength that made all these things possible be a bad thing? It couldn't. Not at all. Right?

 I can look back and see God start to bring down those proud walls years ago. Gently at first, with conviction and with soft things like safe women's Bible studies.

I didn't realize how far God would go to cripple me then, and I'm really glad I didn't. I think I would have scurried back to my safe world of narcissism and hedonism. You don't have to change much there, and you certainly don't have to venture outside of yourself.

It started with my miscarriage, I guess. So much of God's working in my life started with that morning when I realized I wasn't going to get to hold that baby. Not a monumental event to a lot of people on the outside looking in. I mean, people have miscarriages all the time. But for me, it was a lot. (Not to say it's not a lot for everyone. I know the pain is real for so many.)

I still miss that baby. Sometimes I still get the courage to tell God that I wanted that baby. I still mourn it, in so many ways. I still miss that sweet child. I can't bear to think that perhaps it was the baby girl that I longed for with all my heart.

I do know that whether He allowed my miscarriage to happen to set into motion the events that would wreck me, or whether it just happened because of sin and death and then He used it, I'm thankful. I'll never forget the moment that I stood before Him, sobbing, and He said, "We aren't moving from this spot until you tell me that you're thankful for this event."

You know. My miscarriage. 

That was hard. 

Then. He wasn't done.

Then He asked me to thank Him for every hard thing that's ever happened. I'm not going to whine here, but I've been through some crap in my life. Hard, unfair crap. I had gotten to a point where I wasn't mad at Him for all that anymore. But He wanted me to thank Him for it all?

Every destructive annihilation that ever came my way, He wanted thanks for.

I've been sitting here for ten minutes and I can't type anything else. That was probably one of the hardest things I've even done with God. As He brought them to mind, I thanked Him for each of them, and asked Him to flip it into something that He could use to glorify Himself and make me more like Jesus. 

Okay. Glad that part is over. 

God got down to business then - sometimes at breakneck speed, sometimes at a snail's pace, but He started breaking me and rebuilding me. I was okay with this some days, angry others, but hungry for more of Him and desperate to be conformed to the image of His Son. No matter what. 

You can be assured that if you ever seriously ask Him to break you, He will. By whatever means necessary. 

So I bounced along, growing, stretching, being broken, slaughtered, dismembered, all the while trusting and trying to trust that God knew what He was doing.

And again this strength served me well. It would ring in my ears, "She's the strongest person I know..." Surely that strength was one of the traits that God treasured in me the most. Isn't that why He choose me for this insane process of refinement? Because I could withstand the flame?

I thought it was. I could see down the road of my life and see how the strength to leap tall towers and bend metal would benefit me greatly. 

And then a day came where I just broke. It was weird. Suddenly nothing in me worked any more. No amount of boot strap pulling, no amount of sucking it up buttercup, no hanging in there, no gut checks, no amount of anything I have ever used before worked. I'll never forget it. 

I was standing at the stove, cooking. I just had the thought, "This is where I end."

It was weird. I really meant it. It wasn't like a, "I just need to rest in Christ..." sort of moment. I've blogged about those before. This was a real, honest to goodness, "I'm done."

I wasn't scared. I felt oddly light. The only way I can describe it is to liken it to a super intense physical workout. The kind where you work harder then your body really knows how to. When it's over, your muscles feel light, almost unaffected by gravity-floaty, trembly and warm.

That's how my whole body, spirit and mind felt. Light and floaty. To say it was weird would be a tremendous understatement.

I had no choice but to float in God's grace. But it wasn't a good float. I kept thinking of my son, when I was trying to teach him to float on his back in the pool. He wanted so much to trust me, to release and let me support him while he relaxed all his limbs, but he couldn't. He would try and then he would sit up, almost drowning himself and me too. No amount of my convincing him would force him to relax into me. He just couldn't do it. I'd never dropped him in the pool before. I didn't deserve not to be trusted. It was something in him that wouldn't let me hold him completely.

Ah, see me in all of that? God was totally deserving of my trust. But I couldn't totally let go, even when I wanted to. Even when I said I had. And don't we all do that? Say we trust Him, but hold back a little sweet reserve for our self to give us some power still? Hanging on so that we still have something to cling to?

But, in me,  He flipped off every temporal human strength like a light switch in one fell swoop. And I felt it, that moment, standing at the stove stirring something in a pot. Bam. It was all gone.

And I still haven't felt the same.

My friend, K, said it best. She said, "My skin even feels different."

Yep.

And here's the part of all of this where I say that once I was cut off from myself, God was able to go the next step with me.

And you say, "Duh. Of course..."

But here's the thing. I didn't know how to let go anymore. I had let go of so much. I knew there was more to do, but I couldn't do it. I didn't know how. It wasn't for lack of want. It was for lack of know how.

And that's when God stepped in and pulled the plug. Not when I asked Him to. Not when I wanted Him to. Now when I expected Him to. Not when I thought He should.

That afternoon, when I was stirring something on the stove. That's when He did it. In that seemingly jejune moment. That's the  moment He chose.

So what's happened since then?

I've seen God's grace and goodness in ways that I've never seen them before in my life. I've seen things that defy explanation. I've felt and heard things that really aren't possible. I know things that shouldn't be known. And you know what? I think had He not pulled the plug on me,  I wouldn't have felt or heard or seen or known.

I pondered, of stinking course, why I couldn't finish this post for so long. Usually I pound them out, misspellings and grammatical errors aplenty, and get them done. But this post wasn't complete. I didn't know on 9/29/10 what it all meant. And today I know 1/1,387,201th of what it all means. But isn't that they way God works?

So how does all this break down?

 God broke me so He would refine me some more.

Nothing is the same. The world looks different. It feels different. I feel different. I feel like I got to take another step on this journey, but instead of being afraid and taking His hand, now I feel like I'm pulling Him down the path, begging Him to let us run ahead.

And

Isn't He good?

Great Idea

http://toomanybs.blogspot.com/2010/09/it-works-for-me-prayer-board.html

This is too good of an idea not to share. I've struggled about how to incorporate all the people we want to pray for during family worship. We still have and use our "Family We're Praying for This Week" with our Christmas cards, but this way I could incorporate our state and national governments, plus our country we're praying for and other things too...

Hm. The wheels are turning! I love a good idea!

Hear Me on this...

I have a playlist of music I play every day. I usually listen to Pandora when I'm cleaning or working around the house, but at least once a day I get through this certain playlist. The funny thing is that if the music goes off, I feel panicky. I'm not sure that's a good thing! 


So one of the songs on this playlist is "Psalm 145" by Shane and Shane. It starts off with "great is the Lord and so worthy of praise..." I could just stay there all day. Oh Lord, that "...[Your]  praise will always be on my lips." (Psalm 34:1)

I love that it it flows into this:

the Lord is gracious
and slow to anger
He is rich in love
He is good to all
all who call on Him 

I've always sung this as a praise to Him, thanking Him for his lovingkindness to me and for being so patient with me. I've even blogged about this song before, as I meditated on His goodness to all. I love this song.

Yesterday, though, God had something to teach me. {Thank you, Lord.} 

He told me as soon as I got up that I would be facing a challenge. Um, Okay. I spent time in the Word, prayed and praised. I really asked God to let me please Him through whatever He had for me. I wanted to do what was right. The verse I've been mediating on, Daniel 1:8, "But Daniel purposed in his heart that he would not defile himself..."  rang in my heart and my mind.

I told God I wasn't going to sin. Really, I did. Stupid or not. If Daniel can do it, so can I, I reasoned. 

So, sure enough, my little challenge happened. I didn't sin on the outside, but I failed on the inside. I'm not sure that I really "passed" but I do know that progress was made. So there. 

As I was washing dishes later in the day, this song was on. I was singing it with the usual gusto, and God said, "Okay. Here Me on this."

I don't know what you do when God says this to you, but I know that a kicker is coming.
 
He said, "Yes, these verses you're singing reflect Me and My goodness, but I want them to be how you treat others."

Specifically people who have not acted the way I think they should act. 

I literally felt the breath leave me. 

Let me get this straight. You want me to be gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love and good to all, especially those who attack You and the things of You and the people who love you and are walking that narrow path? 

Because it's this. I get that the path is narrow. I get that a few are on it. (Enter through the narrow gate; for the gate is wide and the way is broad that leads to destruction, and there are many who enter through it. For the gate is small and the way is narrow that leads to life, and there are few who find it. Matthew 7:13-14) 

What I don't understand is that if you don't want to be on the path, which is cool, why do you want to stand beside the path and throw stones at the people that are on the path? I really don't get that. I mean I do, I know why, but I don't know why. 


But that's not the point.


The point is that God is asking me to love these people. Real love. Not consending love, not placating love, not false love, but real, Godly love.


And He wasn't done yet. He reminded me that He loves these people, and that the Spirit lives in me, and if I can't love these people, then I'm stopping Him from loving these people through me. I'm stopping His love from flowing through me.

Oh. Kay. 


That's a lot. For me anyway. 


So that's it. I'm not going to process this anymore. I'm going to love those who I don't think deserve it. (That was hard to type, but it's true. Once you "do" something, I don't think I have to love you anymore. Good grief.)


I'm really just hoping that God gives me a couple of days to work on this before He provides another opportunity for me to test drive myself on this. Okay, God? 

India

I was about to start typing up my thoughts, wishes, dreams and feelings about India, then realized I really do have to mop my kitchen floor like right now. I really can't put it off another second. So, I'll just put this information here and mop while I daydream about working in India, with the women, moms and children of that beautiful, amazing and enigmatic country that so needs to hear the Gospel... 

http://www.mypassporttoindia.org/?referral=S3

I think this is weird...

Someone said it again to me today:

"I want to go to Heaven."
 

I thought, "Yeah, I'm not ready."

That's weird.
 

We're supposed to want to go to Heaven. Like right now. 

And I do want to see Jesus. I mean, I really do. 

But I'm not ready to leave here yet. And it's not because I have such a great life. I do appreciate the life He's given me. It hasn't been easy, most of the time, but I know that compared to 99.923% of the world, it's been a cake walk.

But every single stinking time someone says something about longing for Heaven or wanting to go to Heaven or wanting to see Jesus, I say, "NOT YET."
 

Too many people haven't heard. 

Not that I don't want to see Him. And this isn't about my freakish fear of the eternal either.

Although, my 6 year old was studying the "Everlasting to Everlasting" God this week. He looked at me with that sweet face and said, "So how can God not have a beginning?"

I decided to play it cool.

I shrugged and said, "I dunno... Now what verses are we reading?"

Didn't fly.

He said a little more firmly, "When did God start?"

Ugh.

Then he squinted those eyes at me and said, "And how does He never end? And how does Heaven never end?"

I literally felt the anxiety well up in me.

I pictured him in therapy, years from now, telling his therapist, "And we were just doing my Bricks and Mortar card, and I asked a few questions about the "Everlasting to Everlasting God" and she just LOST IT. Starting yelling, 'I DON'T KNOW, I DON'T KNOW!!!!!' "

*sigh* 

How does it never end? My sweet and insanely frustrating gift of faith friends are rolling their eyes at me right now. They refuse to have this conversation with me yet again.

So watching my son wrestle with this, I felt a little vindicated. 

And just as things were getting a little tense, from my end I'm sure, the ever hungry 4 year old pipes up with, "Is God gonna FEED US in Heaven?"

I tried to explain how we're going to have new bodies that don't need food or get sick when they both said, "What are we going to do in Heaven? Forever?"

I then went into the eternal glorification and praising of God we'll do and then I think they got distracted by the Wii, at which point I collapsed into a heap and started sobbing.

Not really. But it was a hard week.

{He also said that he suspected God created sin, because it was just God, then God created Satan and then Satan sinned, so didn't that mean, in essence, that God created sin, even though He's holy and there's no sin in Him? I just looked at him. When I posed that question to my small group, they told me to email that question to one of our pastors and let them know what he said and then they moved swiftly along. So how was I supposed to answer than question when I don't know myself? And I promise that I didn't have that discussion with him. He came up with it on his own after hearing some stuff at church. So see, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. And no, I still don't have an answer.}

I forgot what I was talking about. 

Oh yes. My not wanting to go to Heaven.

I just want more people to hear. I want more people to know. I will defer my pleasure of seeing Him so that more can know.

Not that I'm telling them. I'm sitting here, in my house, trying to figure out when to mop my floor and wondering why the guy who invented Leggos isn't the one who steps on them constantly. I'm ensconced in my own little world of caring for my family and much more concerned with ring around the collar then reaching the lost family in my neighborhood that has a shrine to Buddha in their foyer.

*ahem* 

I'm not always sure this blog is a good idea.

I had to go look for a recipe a couple of days ago, and so as I looked back through some old posts, I started reading them. I was slightly embarrassed. I mean I'm MORE than thankful that for how God has worked in my life, and I guess it would be a point of pride to want to erase the senseless babble that I once spewed, thinking I was so smart.

I'm also pretty sure that in 2 years, I'm going to look back on this post and think the same thing. I'm quite sure I'm going to roll my eyes at myself. 

I don't care, really. This whole silly blog is just one way of charting God's miracle working in my own life and pure testament that He can do the same in another's life. 

So my not wanting Jesus to come back today has no meaning other than if He defers it for just a day longer, someone else will hear. And believe. And that's one less person that will spend eternity in hell.

I can find delayed gratification in that. I can't want Him to come back just to rescue me from this sin infested life I live. I can't want Him to come because children die or cancer reigns or life is hard. I want Him to come back to fulfill the beautiful plan that was set into motion when there was only water and God. Or maybe even before that.

Although I do wonder when exactly at the point of the beginning that wasn't did He decide to create us? And if so many refuse Him, was it really worth it? If one soul perishes in hell, was it all worth it? I mean before He created the world, no one was perishing. It just seems like a huge price.

I had to look for someone on Facebook today, and I got overwhelmed with sin. And hear me say I stay plenty overwhelmed with my own sin. But these girls were doing things that just made my heart sad. And for the 30 that were posing in a way that made my mouth drop, there was ONE that was not. I honestly just got discouraged. It's too much. There's so much sin. Too much. It's not worth it. Nobody cares. They don't want to hear. They're happy. And for the most part, Christians aren't. So what do we have to offer? Why should they want what we have? It's too much.

And then that familiar chord struck deep inside of me. "If one more believes, that's one more that won't perish."

It's worth it, Lord. Just wait. A little more. Let us just win one more. 

But that's weird. Really. It's just weird.

Really? Again?

Our pastor said a couple of weeks ago something that has rung in my head and in my heart. He said, "I have no consistency other than that I'm inconsistent." Yep. That's me.

Three of my friends have put their kids in public school after homeschooling them. And guess what? It's a great thing for the kids, the moms and the families. The kids are thriving, doing well in social settings, working through some issues with the teachers that needed to be worked out in the kids, making friends, taking stands for Christ, etc, etc. The moms? They are taking long walks, spending time with their young non-school aged children and doing crazy hobby-like things like sewing. 

Nope. I'm not jealous. At all. 

I lie too. 

Sigh

First of all, I know that at least one of these moms, right now, while reading this, is feeling guilty. And I'd like to tell her to STOP IT. Don't feel guilty. This is where God led your family, and I'm thankful for your obedience and how God is blessing it. 

(I so totally can't relate to people who feel guilty over good things. Nope.)

And, because I'm so good at doing what's bad for me, I been to question my own schooling situation. 

Really? Again? 

What is wrong with me? 

The school year is going well. The kids are learning. We haven't missed a day of school. God has given me the discipline to get up, do what I need to do in the morning and get school done. Jude even slips from time to time and says, "I don't hate school." I hear that as, "I really, really love school and you're the best teacher ever!" And of course, I'm learning too. I can't wait to blog about some really cool stuff I learned recently about the first inhabitants of North America. 

So why should I get all mired down in this again? Or why do I? 

The answer probably seems obvious. But I have to drag myself through the muck yet again.

I think the struggle with my own inadequacies is what I'm battling the most at the moment. Am I worthy to be spending 24/7 with my kids? That's one reason I didn't want to home school. I wanted my kids to have other (hopefully positive) influences. Instead of just me. Me. Mostly me. All the time. I mean, as I type this, one kid is in their room sobbing after a hard day of school. I'm sure that's mostly the teacher's fault. 

So imagine my thankfulness, and relief, when a kind lady shared the following devotion at a home school support group meeting a few nights ago. It was from Oswald Chambers' My Upmost for His Highest, and after reading it to us, she gave us the name of the devotion. (I was so glad, because as she's reading it, I"m thinking, "Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, I need to read this again...) I wrote down the name of it so I could look it up later and read it again. And again. This morning, I located my very dusty copy of My Upmost... on my bookshelf, stuck a book mark in the book and carried it downstairs so I could find the devotion to read again. And a few times. 

I opened the page to where I had randomly stuck the bookmark, and of course, it was the devotion that I was looking for. I never want to miss or take for granted these ways that God reassures with tangible touches. 

The Brave Comradeship of God

The bravery of God in trusting us! You say - "But He has been unwise to choose me, because there is nothing in me; I am not of any value." That is why He chose you. As long as you think there is something in you, He cannot choose you because you have ends of your own to serve; but if you have let Him bring you to the end of your self-sufficiency then He can choose you to go with Him to Jerusalem, and that will mean the fulfillment of purposes which He does not discuss with you. 

We are apt to say that because a man has natural ability, therefore he will make a good Christian. It is not a question of our equipment but of our poverty, not of what we bring with us, but of what God puts into us; not a question of natural virtues of strength of character, knowledge, and experience - all that is of no avail in this matter. The only thing that avails is that we are taken up into the big compelling of God and made His comrades (cf. 1 Cor. 1:26-30). The comradeship of God is made up out of men who know their poverty. He can do nothing with the man who thinks that he is of use to God. As Christians we are not out for our own cause at all, we are out for the cause of God, which can never be our cause. We do not know what God is after, but we have to maintain our relationship with Him whatever happens. We must never allow anything to injure our relationship with God; if it does get injured we must take time and get it put right. The main thing about Christianity is not the work we do, but the relationship we maintain and the atmosphere produced by that relationship. That is all God asks us to look after, and it is the one thing that is being continually assailed.

Wow. I mean wow. I have read it several times, and I'm going to keep on reading it. And read the Scripture reference:

Brothers, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God—that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. Therefore, as it is written: “Let him who boasts boast in the Lord.”

I Corinthians 1:26-31

Again. Whew. Too much. 

And I love this so much. As I ponder things God has called me to, including this ginormous thing called home schooling, what I ask most is, "Are you sure you meant to pick me?"  I feel like Moses and his first response to God, when He called Moses from the burning bush to lead His people out of Egypt, "Who am I...?" (Or my, "Excuse me, are you talking to me? Really?)

And God's immediate response is, "Certainly I will be with you..." (Exodus 3)

And God, after my whining to Him one day that He really didn't mean to pick me (and I even listed some other very more capable women) said to me, "Amy, I didn't choose you because of what you are, I chose you because of what you aren't."

Oh good. Because there's a heck of a lot of "aren't" here.

Okay. So here I am. Called. And this post will bleed into another that I won't write today, and it's the post about when I came to the end of myself. 

This encouragement, though, came in the sweet form of a mama who gets it. And really, rather you're home schooling or have your kids tucked away at boarding school or are somewhere in between, being a mom is hard. And maintaining an intimate relationship with Him full of passion for Him, and for the nations and the lost when your own kid is begging to move to another house seems rather challenging. (Okay, not begging, but seems really open to the idea of a new home...) When the house won't stay clean, and you forget to pay a bill, or things keep breaking or you can't stop looking like a frizzy headed troll, or you know you have friends but you can't get out of the house to actually see them, or you can't get the laundry done or you have to cook dinner, again, there, in that chaos is God, sweetly and gently saying, "Hey. I've called you to do this. And you can. Really."

~Thankfulness~