Of all things...

I spent my rockin' Saturday night organizing curricula and listening to old sermons. (Whoa, that is such a geeky think to admit.) I got done with a stage of organizing, so I was set to steam clean some carpet, since the offending carpet destroyers were in bed. I was about to get up, when I thought to go ahead and load the kids' cds that have their scripture memory verses on the computer. I couldn't find the new cd for Laney, and after searching, I finally found in in a plastic bag with some other things. I popped the cd into the computer and pulled out the other items from the bag to see what they were.

There was an envelope, and on the outside it said, "A gift for you, Mom." And here's where I snorted. It said, "Please open in a quiet time and place."

Yea, I snorted. I mean, my kids are in bed, but only a few minutes ago did Laney stop coming downstairs to tell me "something." I do get quiet time in the mornings and at night, in the vein of complete honesty, but finding an envelope meant for a  homeschooling mother that said to read it in quiet and peach was just to ironic to me. 

Anyway.

I opened the envelope fully expecting to find something really cheesy. Because you know, I'm a cynic like that. 

And here's what I found - A note that said this:

"Dear Mom,

{Blah, blah, some stuff you don't care about, ie. how great Sonlight is.}

As I think of what you will learn together-not only from the books and the academics, but, far more, from the relationships you will deepen one with another-my heart wells up with joy. What a difference your sacrifice and commitment will make in your children's lives... and through them, I pray, in the lives of many, many others... possibly to the ends of the earth!

While in the Holy Land a few years ago, John and I made the acquaintance of a Christian shop keeping family in Bethlehem. We purchased one of the Jerusalem Cross pendents. Made of stering silver and blue opal, and crafted by Bethlehem Christian friends of the shop keepers, I thought it might serve as a fitting "token of appreciation" for you... and an encouragement to you to persevere in your often unrecognized labors.

Sincerely, Sauta


PS. The rich heritage of the Jerusalem Cross dates back to the fourth century. The four small crosses represent the four Gospels spreading to the four corners of the earth, and the large center cross represents Jerusalem, the city where Christianity began. 

I pray the shape of this cross will remind you of the foundations of your faith - geographically, of course, but far more, historically, since the Cross, itself, stands for the ultimate sacrifice Jesus made in our behalf. Beyond this, however, when the blue jewels sparkle in the sunlight, I pray you might remember that you play an astonishingly valuable role in spreading God's Kingdom as you invest in your children - the next generation. "
  
(Bold and italics theirs)

Oh. my. gosh. 


I just sobbed. I don't know why, exactly. Maybe it was the week we had. :) Maybe it was being without my kids all afternoon and realizing that I really could NOT wait to see them, and hug them. Maybe it was the time I spent praying over the upcoming year. Maybe it was the stress I was feeling, again, about what a mammoth job this is, and wondering why God would entrust me with such a ginormous job. 

I just cried. I took off my other cross and slipped this one onto the chain I wear around my neck. And as silly as it sounds, every time I touch this cross, I'll think of this sweet note, written not to me, but written by someone who really does understand why I home school. By someone who gets how hard it is, but gets WHY I do it. 


And stamped on the back of the cross is the word "Jerusalem," which reminded me of my commitment made a while ago, to God, to pray for this HIS people. I don't pray for them like I said I would. This will help.


Oh my. My Lord is so sweet and so gracious to bless and encourage me with some completely serendipitous treasure found on my bookshelf. He is so involved with each and every intricate detail of my life. This fact ushers me into such sweet worship with a God that I simply don't even have words to describe my feelings for.

Hot as Hell

I was driving the other day, when I saw a church sign. I usually always hate church signs. For obvious reasons. This one, though, was so bad that I said, "SERIOUSLY?" out loud. Really loudly.  I've thought about it ever since, and I cannot wait to get this out so I don't have to think about it anymore. Except maybe I should think about it more.

The sign said, "You think it's hot here?"

Pause. Read it again. Okay, one more time.

*sigh* 

This is what we've reduced hell to. "It's hot." You don't want to go there, because it's hot. Really hot. Hotter than Alabama in August. Really?

Hell, fire and brimstone- Everyone knows what that means. You may have even been fortunate enough to hear one of these sermons. Are they effective? Do they make one long for Christ? I guess it would be presumptive to answer "no" to each of those questions. 

How does my understanding of hell affect me - as a Christian? How does it affect the way I see those that are lost around me? Do I have a firm grip of what hell actually is?

Sometimes, when I see huge group of people, I wonder how many don't know Christ. Like a crowd in a football stadium. I wonder if the stadium blew up, how many would meet Christ? (a little peek into the mind of the overthinker. Scary, huh?) Or when I'm watching television, I'll wonder, "Do they know You?" Reading a magazine, in a store, in church. 

"How many don't know You?"

And oddly enough, panic will rise in me. They have to know Him. How do I express that to them? How can I make them see?

Because here's the thing: Hell isn't just hot. And dark. It's total and complete separation from God. From Christ. From the Spirit. And I know that people say they want no part of Him. I hear that. I see that. I know that. BUT. What these people don't realize is that they live in a world controlled by Him. They get that benefit without even personally knowing Him. God is in complete control of this world. He controls leaders' thoughts. He has Satan on a leash. My favorite song says, "He holds everything together by the word of His immovable power." The lost live in a world where He's holding it all together, whether or not they want to admit or acknowledge that. No one has ever lived in a world where He wasn't in control What will a world look like when He's removed His hand? That thought terrifies me. 

But it's not just that, even. There's hope, even for the lost, that they will find Christ. It's why we as Christians are still here on this planet. To point the way. To tell them. To give them that hope. Can you imagine living in a place where that hope wasn't there? 

I'm going to forgo any reservations I have and just be perfectly honest with you without worrying about how this is going to come across. I only want Christ. I'm at a point in my life where I don't care what I have as long as I have Him. And I mean that. I gave up the American Dream years ago. I have dreamed of being an overseas missionary for probably that long too. (yes, the "no bathroom" kind of missionary) I wrestled with letting go of my family. Take my husband. Take my kids. Would it be hard? Oh yeah. Indescribably. I'm to the point, though, that I know, without a doubt, that He is all I need. And He is all I want. I don't want to live one single second without Him. (I'm struggling to let Him be all and everything. For real. Not just in thought or word, but for real. But I don't want to be without Him for a second.)

The thought of Him not being here, with me, makes me panicky. And I feel that panic for the lost. They don't know. They won't know until it's too late.

So what am I doing? I pray, but is that enough? Hell just isn't a hot place, it's eternal separation from the one Thing that I can't live without. And I can't imagine anyone having to do that.

How does this affect how I live? How does it affect how I pray?  How I share my faith? How does it affect how thankful I am for my own salvation?

Do we talk about hell enough? Do we (sanely) assure people that it is real? 

Do you want to know a secret that will firmly cement my insanity? I think about hell. Surprised? And sometimes I imagine that hell will be empty. (Except for Satan and his entourage.) I imagine that when someone dies, God pauses everything. And He in all His great power, in some way I can't really explain, shows the glory and beauty and majesty of what happened on the cross. Somehow He shows the love that Christ displayed on the cross. And in my scenario, no one can deny that, and even though they missed it here, they get that one last chance. And they bypass hell and all of it's horror. Because here, they will understand what we as the Church have failed to convey. Or what the individual's hard heart or pride or whatever kept them from seeing. And believing. 

I certainly can't support that idealistic creation with Scripture. I'm sure there's even Scripture that points out the incorrectness of that whole paragraph. (The rich man and Lazarus comes to mind.) And I'm ignoring predestination for the moment. But I can't help it. I don't use this to excuse my role in furthering the Kingdom. And don't judge me based on a silly scenario that I came up with in my head. Okay? 

I don't think I did a very good job of adequately conveying all that was in my heart on this one. It's hard and complicated. Hell is real, and serious.  It's not just a hot place. It's not an expletive. (This is why, to me, hell is a "bad word" It's not a word you utter when you stub your toe. Could this be another one of Satan's ways to get us numb to a word. A concept? How scary is some thing that you say and hear in a causal context day in and day out?) It's not a place where a guy in a red suit with pointy ears and a pitch fork lives. It's not a place that a sweaty preacher is  threatening you with if you don't walk an aisle. It's not the pun to a joke, it's not a place to compare the summer to heat to, and it's not a place you wish to send your worst enemy. It's the only place where my Savior isn't. It's the only place where there is no hope. It's the only place where my Lord can't reach you. Or touch you. Or save you. And I don't want anyone to experience that. 

You can't really fit that on a church sign. 

I saw a sign the next day that said, "Come to Jesus. It's a happy life." WHAT????? You can probably imagine the blog post that coming on that one..

Your Love is Extravagant

I was working in the kitchen with the forever present Pandora set to my favorite channel. This song came on, and the singer's voice made me pause. It was a unique voice, and that's what made me pause at first. Then I started listening to the words. They were raw and just shot right through me. I had to share them.

Extravagant:
 –adjective

1. spending much more than is necessary or wise; wasteful: an extravagant shopper.

2. excessively high: extravagant expenses; extravagant prices.

3. exceeding the bounds of reason, as actions, demands, opinions, or passions.

4. going beyond what is deserved or justifiable: extravagant praise

Yes. Your love is all of the above. 

Your love is extravagant,
Your friendship so intimate,
I find I'm moving to the rhythms of your grace,
Your fragrance is intoxicating,
in our secret place,
Your love is extravagant.

Spread wide in the arms of Christ,
is a love that covers sin.
No great love have I ever known,
You considered me a friend
You've captured my heart again,
You've captured my heart again.

Your love is extravagant,
Your friendship so intimate,
I find I'm moving to the rhythms of your grace,
Your fragrance is intoxicating,
in our secret place.
Your love is extravagant.

Spread wide in the arms of Christ,
is a love that covers sin.
No great love have I ever known,
You considered me a friend.

Spread wide in the arms of Christ,
is a love that covers sin.
No great love have I ever known,
You considered me a friend.

You've captured my heart again...

Where I stand

One week left of summer. One week. I'm actually pretty ready for school to start. I can only watch my 3 kids lay sprawled out on the couch watching Sponge Bob so much before I check myself into the Place Where Bad Mothers Go. So the thought of school starting back, weaning the kids off of television/Wii and anything else electronic, getting into a routine and actually using our brains for good rather than evil sounds pretty good right now.

They are just started to utter the dreaded words. "I'm bored." Took them this long, so I can't complain. 

I do have to get the carpets steam cleaned next week. That's the last huge project.

I also have to get our school stuff organized and ready to go.

The garage didn't get cleaned out. I'm not going to die in 110 heat index temperatures so that  we can actually use the other side of our garage. That will come the first whiff of fall I get. I'm okay with that. Everything else got done. I'm happy about that.

I'm excited about the organizational ideas the Lord has given me for the school year too. One big change will be getting up at 5 am. *shiver* It will be an adjustment to say the least. I'm okay with it though. I'm still reveling in the blessing that I got the last time God dictated my wake up time. :) Scared a bit though? Yep.

Also trying to figure out Mondays. I did school on Monday afternoons last year. My husband and I tend to stay up late on Sunday nights since it's the only night he's home early or at all. He's also home on Monday morning usually, and I hate to take that time from the kids since he doesn't see them at night. So no big deal, right? Just do school on Monday afternoon. Hm. I don't like that, though.

I have that to think through.

Meal planning is going to start again. That's huge.

The daily load of laundry washed and dried during the day, folded and put away while the kids bathe is also starting back up. No more "Mount Laundry."

Weeks One and Three will be play date and fun afternoon weeks. Weeks Two and Four will be "don't leave the house in the afternoons" weeks to clean and organize.

Sounds harsh. I know. Someone's already told me that. I'm going to try it though. I need strict guidelines. I'm a list and guidelines kind of gal.

This upcoming week is the one where I tend to get stressed and a little (lot) panicky. Once we dive in, and get back to it, I'm fine. It's the dreading the change that is so hard. I'm going to cover that in prayer this week, and praise my way out of that line of thinking. I don't like it.

I'm reminding myself to be flexible and go with the flowing. Be obedient to the Spirit. Be diligent. Work hard. Don't let stress take hold of me. Pray and praise out of that stronghold. Know that this is God's plan for me now, and He enables me to carry out what He's required me to do.

Okay. That's my plan and my pep talk. Sorry you had to come along for the ride, but hey, now you know how to pray for me. Please. :)

20 Year Reunion

This is Amy, Amy and Amy. There was another Amy and a Mary that all hung out together. Can you imagine the confusion?

My sweet friend Tanya.

The whole gang!

Briana and me

This was Tanya Y., Wes Y., and me, Amy Z. We spent a lot of time in homerooms together, and walked together after we got our diplomas.

Ready to go!

This is my former next door neighbor, best friend and still the person that makes me sob with laughter. I adore him still!

Whew. Glad it's over! We actually had a great time at the reunion. I was nervous, which I I thought was kind of weird, until I got there and found out that all the girls were nervous! None of the guys were, though. I don't know what that means! 

We didn't take a lot of pictures, which makes me a little sad, but we were just chatting too much to think about taking pictures. Allen had a good time too, which I am very glad about. I had offered to go alone, thinking that it wasn't going to be much fun for him. He wouldn't hear of it, and afterward said it wasn't too bad. We talked with a lot of nice people. 

Mainly these pictures are for my mom, who isn't on Facebook! She wanted to hear all about it, and agreed it didn't seem like it was 20 years ago that I graduated. 

I thought it might bother me a little, too, to be getting so old (!), but I actually wasn't bothered at all. It was just great to see old, sweet friends. I'm so glad I went, after trying to decide whether or not to go for several weeks.

And I'm so sad that none of these pictures show my super amazing shoes. I got them weeks ago at Target on clearance for $7, and I really love them. You know, I have to talk about what matters most... ;)

There's been some mistake...

See, I'm really only 29. By some magical mistake, though, some friends of mine thought they should throw a 20 year high school reunion tonight. I decided to take pity on all the old people that they are and go. You know, for their sake. So this is in honor of that. And please be jealous of the perm. It's SO fabulous....

Pay me my money!

My nephew taught a 3 year old Zane to say that, and he spent a week going around holding out his hand, yelling at us, "Pay me my money!" It was funny while it lasted, which thankfully, wasn't long.

I've struggled with this whole allowance thing for awhile. Poor Laney. I kept putting it off with her, saying, "I'll get to it. Not yet. Hang in there. I'll get to it..." for years. I wanted to get that whole thing going, but just couldn't figure out what my hold up was.

Finally my sweet girl asked me yet again, and I knew it was time to figure it out. I asked for opinions on Facebook, (hush) and the responses I got were varied and pretty passionate (but totally kind). Seems like money, politics and religion are always things that get people chatting. I liked the responses, and really read and thought about them all, but sadly, nothing there really struck a chord with me. 

I knew without a doubt that I didn't want allowance and chores connected at all. A long time ago, a super wise lady said, "Helping families help each other." Want to ask my kids how many times I quote that to them? My kids do things around the house for the benefit of us all, to honor and glorify God and to show Him that we are thankful and care for what He has blessed us with. (This is hugely convicting to me as I plan my own housekeeping schedule for the school year. How can I teach this to my kids when the house is a wreck?) 

My kids are getting more responsibilities this school year. And it's going to stretch them. But honestly I do need help, and they can step up. I'm careful to thank them and give them appropriate praise, but I don't reward chores. (Or good behavior. I'm so passionate about that. We all obey rules, as unto God, and your reward is the knowledge that you are obeying the most Holy God. No M&M charts here.) 

The one exception is when my kids have twice raised money for mission projects. Then I gave them chores that were usually my chores as a way to earn money. That was great on some many levels. They didn't keep the money, and I got help! But I was not going to do that for usual chores. I knew that. 

Then I thought, in that vein, since my kids liked that, maybe we could have a standing mission project to raise money for. I even considered letting the kids take responsibility for the Compassion Kids we already sponsor for the each of them. They pray for them and write them letters, so why let not let them take over that responsibility?  I don't have a good peace about that, for what ever reason. Maybe I don't want them to resent those kids for "making" them have to do extra chores? I don't know. Still kicking that around.

I also couldn't get around the fact that I wasn't comfortable with the concept of an allowance in the first place. 

I had to ask myself a question. "Why do they need an allowance?"

The resounding response from others has been, "So they can learn to manage their money." 

Really? They need money? 

Uh oh. This is going to get ugly, but as I pondered this endlessly, I couldn't get past that issue. Why give kids money? So they learn to give, spend and save. 

*sigh* 

Okay. I want my kids to give. That's the only stinking reason I can find within my self for earning money. To give it away. (The first person that says the word "shoes" gets punched in the face.) And to care for your family, obviously. But that's the point. The kids don't have to take care of themselves. We do that for them. They do give. They love to give. Really. So I don't want to mess with that.

Spend? Nope. I want to delay as long as possible the correlation that money is meant to be acquired so that it can be spent on tangible goods for ones self. Now I fully get the irony here. I am the WORST at that. Really. Even with Zane's birthday, he got money and we spent it on him. And I know it was his birthday and the givers of that money wanted him to do that. But nowhere did I say, "Hey, buddy, why don't we share this money with Bayan?"  (his Compassion Kid) Why didn't I do that? Because I still have SO much here to learn. Because I'm still trying to undo years and years of bad behavior with money. 

The only reason I can see for my kids getting money to spend is to spend it on "stuff" they want. I hate that. They have enough stuff. (Don't remind me I have enough shoes. I'm sensitive. I might cry.) And we do buy them "stuff" occasionally, but honestly they rarely ask for it. (Okay, fine. When they go to Target, it's like they've never EVER seen a toy, and the purchase of a toy is all that stands between them and certain death. Mainly the little one, but all of them to a degree. And we do love the Dollar Spot. *sigh*) I try to limit commercials to try to help with this. I don't know. We do talk so much about stuff and how we just don't need any more. 

Ugh. I'm getting bogged down just trying to get all that out.

Save. Here's where the firestorm will start. I hate saving. I have for years. And years. Yes, we do have two savings accounts. And one of them recently got wiped out due to Laney's curriculum and "the weekend." (And the other is in danger at the present time also.) And yes, that makes makes me panic a bit, which further shows me that I'm not fully dependent on Christ. But I don't save for college. (They'll get scholarships or work to pay for their own college. If I were a millionaire, that would still be the case. I have about 15 reasons for that, if you're interested.) We don't save for retirement. Is God going to stop providing for me at some miraculous age? (That's a whole other post too...)  I just can't find a scriptural reason to save tons of money. (The "being a good steward" doesn't cut it with me.) Especially when you're 6. Unless you want to save it up and then give it all away.

Good grief.

I'm not even making sense to myself. :)

So I bounced all this around in my head. And I wanted so badly to hear another human say, "Oh, I agree." Because I'm weak and selfish that way. 

And then it happened. 

I was talking to a friend whose upbringing I really respect. I asked her about allowances when she was growing up and she responded, "Oh, we didn't get allowances. We didn't need them." I squealed, at least on the inside. (I didn't want to scare her.) She elaborated and literally expressed everything I had been thinking in my head.

Now I totally get the danger of searching out people who just back up what you are already thinking, but honestly, that's not my MO. I absolutely love finding someone who thinks differently than me, and then arguing the heck out of a subject, so I can learn. (Don't I sound like the most magnificent friend? No, I don't do this all the time. Just with the people who will play with me this way. I do like to talk about things my friends and I agree on, but not as much:) ) 

In this instance, though, it was the Holy Spirit that had put these things deep in me, and because they seemed so much to go against the norm, I really wanted someone to echo what I was feeling on the inside, purely for selfish reasons. And I feel good about all of this now. No allowances.

When my kids do "need" money, I'll be there, to help them. When they get jobs, and responsibilities, I'll teach them. It won't be "too late." And here's my conviction. Where there is privilege and no responsibility, disaster occurs.  Being given money is a privilege, especially if you look around our world and see the poverty in it. Why were we born in this prosperous country? Why will my kids not know hunger or thirst? Why will they never be with out health care? Why will they never really want for any basic necessity? It's a privilege to have money, and until my kids can fully grasp that concept, they won't manage any money. 

I'm so desperate to raise children who solely have the thoughts and will of God in their hearts. In the midst of a country full of capitalism and the pursuit of the dollar and the white picket fence, I want my kids to get it. Really get it. And until they are fully ready to get it, I'l teach them, from the Word and the Spirit, about money, without having actual money. Does it seem weird and hard? Yes. Have you met Jesus? Do any of His ways seem easy? No. And I'm glad.

Am I preaching to myself here? yes. (WHO keeps saying the word "shoes" to me? Stop it!) I'm so horrible at this. And I'm begging God to continue to reform me in this area. Begging. And He is. 

Really, it's no big deal that I don't, and won't, give my kids an allowance. It's just another way where God as said to ME and ME alone to do this. If God is telling you to give your kids $20 a week, then rock on with that obedience to Him. We are each raising radically different children, and our Father is teaching us how to raise those kids, so we walk in obedience to that Voice. Each one of us. That's why our parenting styles look so differently from each other. Our kids are unique. Apart from what Scripture instructs all of us, what we do with and for our kids is as weird as our own kids are. (Mine are super weird.) That's why you can't compare or contrast. That's why we keep our eyes on Christ and walk in obedience to what HE says, even when it looks so SO different from what others are doing or what the world is doing.

Whew. I feel better. I felt like I needed to justify to the world why my kids don't get an allowance. :) Very simply, it's because God said so. For us. 

And I didn't buy any shoes this week. So there.