Thinking back

Beth Moore said, and I preface, that getting through life is a bit like rowing a boat. You row forward, but you are looking backward. You know?

I look back a lot. Not in a pillar-of-salt kind of way, but in a please-don't-let-me-forget-what-I've-learned kind of way. I'm so desperate for God to teach me, change me and make me usable that I don't want to forget or lose anything He's already taught me. I don't have time to relearn anything.

Next week will be the 4 year mark of my miscarriage. I still hate that word. It makes me feel like I didn't carry the baby correctly. It's when I lost my baby. That sounds so much better. I don't really think about him in a sad way anymore. It's more of a I'll-see-you-soon kind of way. Laney handed me hydrangeas when I got home from the doctor that sad day. Mom had picked them for her to give to me. I took a picture of them and framed the picture with Jeremiah 29:11 under it. I hung it in my kitchen where I could see it every day.

I don't want to remind myself of the sadness, which there certainly was a lot of. I'll be honest and say that does crop up here and there. Laney handed me some hydrangeas from a garden just last week. My heart caught just a bit. Watching "Marley and Me" got me too. I so related to her pain. But it's more of a heart felt sympathy that I feel now, when I hear of someone losing a baby. And I'm always reminded of what I learned.

I'm not sure I can totally put into words what I learned. Or how God worked. There were lots and lots of times when it was just God and me. I felt Him in a way that I had never felt before. And He really wanted to know whether I was in this whole thing for real. Or not. I decided I was.

He's molded me. Shaped me. Pruned me. A LOT. He's pushed me to the breaking point more times than I can count. And I know the hardest hasn't even begun. But you know, I'm okay with that.

I've thought a lot about WHY I lost my baby. I really wanted it. I know that there's no real way for us to know exactly why God lets things happen to us. I know that our human minds can't even begin to comprehend how His plan works together for our good. Especially when it all looks so bad. But I know this. I really know that no matter what He takes me through, not only is He there every single step of the way, He wants me to go willingly and joyfully. Even if it's horrific to go through.

I trust Him so much more now. I trust him completely. Sounds weird, really. He took something dear to me and it made me love Him all the more. But I think He really had to let me go there, to get to here. And to go forward. To that place where He really can use me. And I think He's going to. Use me, that is. And there will be a lot more hard before we get there. But that's okay with me. I trust Him.

What the heck?

I've always loved going to thrift stores. We don't have time for me to list all the reasons why, but sometimes, it's just dang funny.

Approximately 15ish years ago, I was at a thrift store with my dear friend John. John was one of those guys who kept you laughing all. the. time. Especially me. I've gotten in trouble for laughing more in my life than I have for talking, if you can believe that. He had the uncanny way of saying something super funny, all while keeping a straight face. Then people would look at me, in a puddle of giggles and John so straight faced and think I was just crazy. Well, that's probably not the only reason why, but let's not linger there.

We have this guy to get to.

So John and I are at the thrift store, 15ish years ago, and we were laughing our way through it. He was several aisles over, when I spotted the strangest, weirdest thing. It was a super creepy headless statue. I picked it up, held it up high where John could see it, and I said, "What the heck do you suppose this thing's head looks like?"

He didn't miss a beat. From several aisles over, he bent over, and stood up and said, "THIS!" It was the even stranger head to the statue I was holding. We both just lost it. I sat down right there in the thrift store and laughed until I cried. What were the chances that he was standing right next to the head to my statue? Holy cow.

We decided we just had to have it. The cashier looked at us like we were mad, buying a broken, hideous statue. I think she even tried to give it to us, but I insisted on buying it.

We took it back to the restaurant we both worked at, and the whole wait staff thought it was hilarious. Somebody found some glue and we all glued its head back on. As we all stepped back to admire our handy work, John said, "It's probably some voodoo horror doll, and the only way to break the spell was to break its head off. And here we've reattached the head. Some native somewhere is in a lot of pain..."

I loved this little guy so much. He traveled to all my homes with me, and he never ceased to be a topic of conversation, as you can imagine. People would say, "What the heck is that?"

I do wonder who made this and WHY? Oh the questions...

So when I was cleaning out the laundry room the other day, I came across my friend, stashed away and forgotten. His head had come off again, to the relief of some native far away. Seeing him again made me laugh so hard, so I dusted him off, reattached his head, and sat him in my kitchen. Some poor native is, well, you know...


I kind of like him there...

The funniest darn thing I've seen in a LONG time

Mom Jeans. That's all that needs to be said.

http://www.graspingforobjectivity.com/2009/03/mom-jeans-and-dreaded-long-butt.html

Laney Bang

Sunday was kind of a crazy day at our house. I could tell Laney was out of sorts, and she just wasn't having a great day. It was a hard day for her, and I was looking forward to dinner, baths and bed, because sometimes that's all you can do for a bad day. Just end it.

So we were hanging out after dinner, and the kids were playing. Laney went running through the dining room and tripped over a cord that was plugged in an unusual place.

She smacked the wall so hard that not only did she dent the sheet rock, she dented the metal plate under the sheet rock. Allen took one look at her head and said, "It's bad." After looking myself, I agreed.

We had made it 7 1/2 years with out an ER visit, but that stretch was about to end. I checked her pupils and they weren't exactly reactive. I decided to go have her checked at the ER, just in case. Allen took her on, and I tried to stay home with the boys. They hadn't been gone long, and I decided that I needed to be with Laney. My sweet friend Ronda came until my mom could get her, and I flew to the hospital, which luckily is only 5 minutes away.

She ended up being fine, but that bruise was, as still is, quite impressive. Mimi made it better with treats from McDonalds and a coloring book and ring pop. We had to wake her that night and let her rest for 24 hours, but she was in good shape after that.

Being at the hospital was hard, seeing those people who were really injured and sad. I thought about that a lot. I so admire the doctors and nurses that work there. I'm so thankful Laney was okay, and have been praying for those who weren't.

Delight yourself

This is going to be a long one, so just ready yourself. Or skip it altogether!

I decided a while ago that I wanted an iPhone. Totally stupid and silly. I don't even know why I wanted one. It just looked like fun! My sister has one, and it took one time of my playing with hers, and I was hooked. So I researched them, did some price checking, and realized that it really wasn't something I needed. Allen and I joked about it, but he *was* really against my getting one, for a variety of good reasons.


I didn't press the issue, and was happy with a really cool phone from my friend Jackie. End of story.


So not long after we found a lost neighborhood dog, and returned it to the rightful owner, I told Allen the kids and I wanted a small dog for inside, but he said no. I mean, it was a very emphatic NO. It was a bit of a surprise to me, since he doesn't often say no to things, but I guess I don't ask a lot of him either. ;) He explained his very good reasons, and I said okay. I mean it was a very okay okay. I was fine with it. Disappointed a bit, but really fine. And actually grateful that I had the opportunity to exercise what I had learned about submission. *gasp* that word. That dirty little word! Eh, I'm fine with submitting. It's God's plan, and since He's SO much smarter than me, I'm trying, every so hard, to learn to do things HIS way.



So, Mother's Day approached, and Allen asked me what I wanted. I told him that I really couldn't think of anything I needed or wanted. That was the truth!


So Mother's Day weekend was a busy one, and that Saturday we had a crazy day full of family stuff. Allen wasn't with us, and it was a taxing day. That's being nice. It was a horrific day, full of the neglect and the abuse that I experienced so early and through much of my life. As I drove home, I was in an unusually dark place. My soul felt seared, and I really took it to God in a bad way. I was angry. My why's were vehement. I allowed my self to wallow in self pity, which isn't a pretty place to be. I was undone.

So we all get home, and I just wanted to collapse into a pile and cry. I needed to hold it together long enough to get the kids fed and in the bed.

As I walked into the kitchen, I saw something weird on the stove. I walked over and just lost it. My precious husband had bought me an iPhone. He had gone to a gig and so I couldn't call him, so I did the next best thing. I called my best friend and just lost it with her. I felt guilty and sad that he had spent that money on me. I was thinking about the kids in the world, heck in my county, that didn't have food to eat. I was thinking of how far I had gotten from the little shack I wanted to live in while I was being a missionary. It was just too much.



And you know what we came to? That sweet, patient friend of mine? In a super bizarre, really weird way, God showed his tangible love to me through a silly phone. Really, he did. I am blessed so much with a God who cares about my needs. But he also cares about my wants. And he gave me a husband that cares for me so well and wants me to be happy, even in the silly ways.

I wouldn't touch the phone for 5 days, while trying to decide whether or not to keep it. Really. It was a hard decision. This overthinker kicked into overdrive. Brutal.

That next week, my mom asked me to keep her Bishon, Bella, for a week while she did some work around her house that wasn't conducive for dogs being around. I knew that Mom was having a hard time keeping Bella, and she really wanted me to have her. I told her I couldn't keep her, but I would let her stay for a week while she got her work done. She asked me again to keep her, and I told her very emphatically that Allen didn't want us to have a dog. Mom said okay, that us keeping Bella just for a week would really help her.

So we brought Bella to the house that night of the lightning fiasco, and it was definitely a crazy time to come to our house for a visit! We had fun with her that weekend, in spite of the chaos, and Sunday night, Bella, Allen and I were sitting in the living room floor, and Allen was just looking at her. I asked him why he was looking at her that way. He laughed and said, "She's really cute."


I agreed, and he said, "She's a good dog too." I agreed again.

He looked at me and said, "Let's keep her."



My heart just soared! The kids had been asking if we were keeping her, and I had kept saying, "No.." I couldn't wait to tell them she was ours!

You know, 10 years ago in our marriage, I'm not too proud to say that I would have badgered, manipulated, begged and cried to get my way. God, in his blessed grace and mercy, has done such a work in me. I honestly submitted to everything Allen said and wanted in both these situations, and the outcome was so surprising to me. So very surprising.

I'm not saying that submitting is a way to get what you want. In fact, to ME, submitting is being okay with NOT getting what you want. And I really was. Okay, I mean.

Something else hit me one morning as I was walking and having some deep communion with God over all this. I was really struggling still with the phone, and just where I am in my life. God said to me, so sweetly and clearly, "You know, you have really been seeking me. With your whole heart. And I'm blessing you with the desires of your heart."

I was like, I KNOW THAT VERSE!!! I laughed out loud, right there in the middle of the street! "God, that's not really what that verse means!" I reminded him. And hearing the smile in his voice, he said, "It means that in this case."


(and please hear me say that I am not advocating twisting verses to mean certain things, or that the Spirit that spoke in my heart was twisting Scripture. Please hear that.)

Psalm 37:4 - Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.




I really have just become so content with my Lord over these last few years. Things of this world started to feel so foreign to me. I lost my lust and love for a lot of things that I had loved all my life. God has done, and is doing, such a gentle yet very firm work in me. I think Jonathan Edwards kind of sums it up:

So should we desire heaven more than the comforts and enjoyments of this life. . . . Our hearts ought to be loose to these things, as that of a man on a journey, that we may as cheerfully part with them whenever God calls.


I would so gratefully and happily give up all this stuff. I even had to get to a place where I could say, "Okay, God, even if you take my husband and my kids, I will be okay with that, because you and you alone are my portion." I'm not saying I want that to happen, and I'm saying it would be the hardest thing I'd ever done to lose one of them, but that's where God and I are now. He's really all I need.

But for the now, and the silly, I have a dog with an iPhone collar. And they are both white, which is even a more clear sign that God just pampered my socks off. Such a tangible feeling of God's love, and from a God who can, at times, feel not tangible. I'm so thankful for his blessing me, and honestly I look at that phone, or my sweet new best doggy friend, and I feel his love. That's such a sweet, precious gift. Truly.

Time for Summer!

I can't believe we're done with school. Finished with 1st grade. It seems like a long time ago that we started, and by looking at these pictures, I can see why. It was a long time ago! She changed so much this year~!





It was a hard school year, it seems. We had trouble getting into a good groove. I think the realization that this is my LIFE for the next 15 years hit me hard this year. I found it very difficult to be disciplined a lot of days, and I'm praying through some of that for this coming year. I'm also doing more of a year around approach this year, and I think that may help. More breaks throughout the year will help us all, I think, stay with the program.





I'm also trying not to panic over the fact that I will have *2* kids in school this year. Jude starts kindergarten, and he is just not excited at all! Laney was when she started school, but Jude would rather play. I'm praying over that, and how to do two of them at the same time! It's silly, really, since there are moms that school their 7 kids. And if you're a Duggar, you school, what, 18 of them? So come on, what am I worried about?


Maybe I'm worried about keeping Zane happy with no playmate! :) I think we are going to have to be creative and find out what works for us this year.


But this was a good year, really. Laney is an absolute joy to teach, and I am so blessed. She had about 3 bad days this year, and I do realize that this is not normal. She's just the easiest thing to teach in the world. I'm very thankful.


Let me also say that I want to be careful in my praise of her. I am in NO way bragging on my kid, and I don't want it to come across that way. I learned so long ago that every single child in the whole world ages differently and has a plethora of things that they are good at. Every child is unique, but just perfect for who they are. I want to document Laney's progress for her, for me and for educational purposes, but I don't want to come across as doing this for any negative reasons.


One of the suggestions that I would love to do is have an end of the year celebration for our family where Laney would share some of the things she's learned that year. She's just too shy to do this just yet, but she will, after some reluctance, let me video her sharing about her year. So that's what we do. She loves to look at her videos from last year and see how far she came this year. I want her to see the transformation from year to year. I also want her to get confident doing some things that she's not comfortable doing, so that maybe one year, we CAN have that end of the year celebration.


So anyway, that's why I'm sharing these. For your entertainment only, and for no other reasons! So enjoy! (or don't. we're really okay either way;) ) They really do show what it's like to do school around here!


Here is a taste of our first "real" year of school. First grade. What a milestone! And it's done!

Quite a Shock

It was Friday, May 15th. It had been a good day. We had run some errands, then gone to spend some amazing time with my sweet friends Hayes, Kathy and Jennifer and fetch Hayes' equally as sweet daughter, Lydia, who was going to spend the night for the first time with Laney. We were all excited.

We stopped by my mom's to pick up her dog, Bella. Mom needed for us to keep her for a week or two, while Mom did some work on her house that wasn't conducive to having a dog around. Laney was worried about Bella, since she gave a nip or two to Laney's toes when Laney was 2 and Bella was a rambunctious puppy. Despite that, we all loaded up the van and headed to Pelham.

The night was crazy, trying to keep Laney and Bella at a safe distance from each other, monitor the boys and Bella and try to convince Lydia that this wasn't a normal night at our house, and by the time the whole crew was fed, bathed and in the bed, I was exhausted. Happy, but worn slap out. I snuggled in the bed with Bella and was watching the news when it began to thunder. No big deal. Even Jerry Tracey barely mentioned the tiny thunder storm that was hardly a blip on the radar. The thunder was amazing, and I got up to check to see that all the kids were still asleep.Amazingly enough, they were. Truly amazing, had you heard this thunder. Back in the bed, I just couldn't fall asleep. I continued to flip through the channels on the television, and Allen called to say that he was on the way home from a private party he had played that night. I told him the weather was really bad our way, and he said he could see the storm from where he was, coming over Red Mountain. I told him to be careful and hung up. Still unable to doze off, I lay there, listening to the storm, when, at 10:38,

WHAM. The brightest light I have ever seen and the loudest sound I have ever heard in my life. I honestly thought a bomb had gone off. My whole body was tingling, and for a second or two, I really couldn't make sense out of what had just happened. All the power was out, and I fumbled shakily to the bathroom where, thank the Lord, I keep a flashlight plugged into the wall. I grabbed it out of the socket and flipped the light on. The beam of light was full of white smoke, and I really did panic then. My phone was on my chest when I was laying in the bed, and when I jumped up, in got buried in the covers. I was fumbling through the covers, praying out loud, looking for it. I found it, picked up Zane, and called 911. I went to wake up the other kids, the whole time trying so hard to be calm to the dispatch operator.

You know when you hear 911 calls on television? I've always wondered how some of the people sound so calm. I was not calm. My voice was shaking as badly as the rest of me. The operator keep yelling at me to get out of the house, but as I looked out my front door and saw the lightning, I was literally scared to go out the door. We all stood huddled in the door, waiting on someone to get there. I called Allen to tell him what happened, and when I heard his voice, I just fell apart. He tried his best to get me calmed down, and when I saw the lights of the fire truck, I did calm down. Help had arrived.

The fire men (and a fire lady) arrived, with their hatchets, and long story short, lightning struck a cable box close to us, and then traveled through our house via the phone lines/wiring. There was a small fire in our attic, from the wiring. Later we found our that our love seat was also smoldering, but never actually caught fire. It just blew off the phone box there, and there's a nice hole in the back of my sofa.

I will never, as long as I live, forget those 4 children, 3 mine and one I love as much, huddled on my sofa, tears streaming down their faces. We were all terrified. Finally, two hours later, we struggled back to bed. I had everybody in my bed, except Allen and Jude, who slept on the couch in our room. The power was out for hours, and I lay there forever, afraid to go back to sleep. When I woke, startled, hours later, I was still clutching the flashlight I had taken to bed with me.

I will also never forget those Pelham fire fighters. They were calm, reassuring, and just amazing. One of them called me early, early the next morning, literally apologizing for having to leave so quickly, since they had a horribly busy night with the damage the storm did to our city. He patiently went over the damage to our house, what they did to put out the fire, why they did what they did and asked me if I had any questions. I joked that I hoped that he could get a nap after such a busy night, and he said he had some stuff to do at his second job before he'd get a nap. It made me sad that he even needed a second job. Anyone who's benefited from the help of a fire fighter would agree they need to make more money than they do. No amount might be enough.

I started years ago praying for fire fighters and police men whenever hearing a siren. ( a friend of mine was in an accident coming to get me one night, and I heard those sirens, but didn't know they were coming for him. I wished I had already been praying for him, so since then, I have prayed every time I hear sirens.) Since we live very close to both a police station and a fire station, I hear those sirens all the time. And I NEVER tire of praying for those precious souls who risk their lives every time they go to work. After meeting them again (yes, again. you don't want to hear why they came here the first time...) I pray more fervently. Such precious, sweet people.

They also didn't even comment on my pj's-Allen's oldest, literally his most rattiest tee shirt you have ever seen. I was missing him, and it's a very sentimental tee shirt. But also 11 years old, and just this side of completely falling apart. I topped off the ensemble with my Mickey Mouse boxers. They are 18 years old, at least. Really. Oh my goodness. I had the good grace to be embarrassed the next day, and Allen and I had a good laugh about that.

We are still, even today, discovering things that the lightning fried. It's been stressful and a pain to deal with the insurance, the broken items, the hassle of it all. The hardest part for me is seeing how much STUFF we have. And how much I hate all this stuff. And realizing how much I've let all this stuff seep into my life, and become something I just can't live without.

It's been hard, and I've searched for what God would teach me through it. I've heard countless lightening stories. Everybody seems to have one, and we are one of the lucky ones. It could have so easily been very different. I am so thankful there.

I'm still struggling to make sense of this life that I've chosen. The stuff, the money we've spent on stuff, the money we continue to spend and the importance I place on said stuff. It's been a rough two weeks, and it's mostly me, trying to reconcile with God just how I got here.

My sweet friend Jenn reminded me that it's important too how closely we hold to this stuff. I don't hold closely to it at all. I'd give it all away tomorrow and move to Africa or where ever God called. He has reassured me that He knows that, and He'll call me when He's ready.

I'm trying really hard to be patient.