Beth Moore said, and I preface, that getting through life is a bit like rowing a boat. You row forward, but you are looking backward. You know?
I look back a lot. Not in a pillar-of-salt kind of way, but in a please-don't-let-me-forget-what-I've-learned kind of way. I'm so desperate for God to teach me, change me and make me usable that I don't want to forget or lose anything He's already taught me. I don't have time to relearn anything.
Next week will be the 4 year mark of my miscarriage. I still hate that word. It makes me feel like I didn't carry the baby correctly. It's when I lost my baby. That sounds so much better. I don't really think about him in a sad way anymore. It's more of a I'll-see-you-soon kind of way. Laney handed me hydrangeas when I got home from the doctor that sad day. Mom had picked them for her to give to me. I took a picture of them and framed the picture with Jeremiah 29:11 under it. I hung it in my kitchen where I could see it every day.
I don't want to remind myself of the sadness, which there certainly was a lot of. I'll be honest and say that does crop up here and there. Laney handed me some hydrangeas from a garden just last week. My heart caught just a bit. Watching "Marley and Me" got me too. I so related to her pain. But it's more of a heart felt sympathy that I feel now, when I hear of someone losing a baby. And I'm always reminded of what I learned.
I'm not sure I can totally put into words what I learned. Or how God worked. There were lots and lots of times when it was just God and me. I felt Him in a way that I had never felt before. And He really wanted to know whether I was in this whole thing for real. Or not. I decided I was.
He's molded me. Shaped me. Pruned me. A LOT. He's pushed me to the breaking point more times than I can count. And I know the hardest hasn't even begun. But you know, I'm okay with that.
I've thought a lot about WHY I lost my baby. I really wanted it. I know that there's no real way for us to know exactly why God lets things happen to us. I know that our human minds can't even begin to comprehend how His plan works together for our good. Especially when it all looks so bad. But I know this. I really know that no matter what He takes me through, not only is He there every single step of the way, He wants me to go willingly and joyfully. Even if it's horrific to go through.
I trust Him so much more now. I trust him completely. Sounds weird, really. He took something dear to me and it made me love Him all the more. But I think He really had to let me go there, to get to here. And to go forward. To that place where He really can use me. And I think He's going to. Use me, that is. And there will be a lot more hard before we get there. But that's okay with me. I trust Him.
I look back a lot. Not in a pillar-of-salt kind of way, but in a please-don't-let-me-forget-what-I've-learned kind of way. I'm so desperate for God to teach me, change me and make me usable that I don't want to forget or lose anything He's already taught me. I don't have time to relearn anything.
Next week will be the 4 year mark of my miscarriage. I still hate that word. It makes me feel like I didn't carry the baby correctly. It's when I lost my baby. That sounds so much better. I don't really think about him in a sad way anymore. It's more of a I'll-see-you-soon kind of way. Laney handed me hydrangeas when I got home from the doctor that sad day. Mom had picked them for her to give to me. I took a picture of them and framed the picture with Jeremiah 29:11 under it. I hung it in my kitchen where I could see it every day.
I don't want to remind myself of the sadness, which there certainly was a lot of. I'll be honest and say that does crop up here and there. Laney handed me some hydrangeas from a garden just last week. My heart caught just a bit. Watching "Marley and Me" got me too. I so related to her pain. But it's more of a heart felt sympathy that I feel now, when I hear of someone losing a baby. And I'm always reminded of what I learned.
I'm not sure I can totally put into words what I learned. Or how God worked. There were lots and lots of times when it was just God and me. I felt Him in a way that I had never felt before. And He really wanted to know whether I was in this whole thing for real. Or not. I decided I was.
He's molded me. Shaped me. Pruned me. A LOT. He's pushed me to the breaking point more times than I can count. And I know the hardest hasn't even begun. But you know, I'm okay with that.
I've thought a lot about WHY I lost my baby. I really wanted it. I know that there's no real way for us to know exactly why God lets things happen to us. I know that our human minds can't even begin to comprehend how His plan works together for our good. Especially when it all looks so bad. But I know this. I really know that no matter what He takes me through, not only is He there every single step of the way, He wants me to go willingly and joyfully. Even if it's horrific to go through.
I trust Him so much more now. I trust him completely. Sounds weird, really. He took something dear to me and it made me love Him all the more. But I think He really had to let me go there, to get to here. And to go forward. To that place where He really can use me. And I think He's going to. Use me, that is. And there will be a lot more hard before we get there. But that's okay with me. I trust Him.
1 comment:
good stuff...Marley and Me struck me pretty strongly, too..just way too familiar, even 11 years later...good to remember what He has brought us through to appreciate where we are now...
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