Bane of my existence

 

These books mock me. They sit, on my bedside table, and they actually taunt me. I want to read until my eyeballs fall out. I need to be challenged. I want to learn. And I do make the most of my time, really. As I sit here blogging, I feel a twinge of guilt. I also took a look back at my blog the other day, and I rarely post anymore. I miss it, but I just have other things I want to do. There probably is a way to fit it all in, but I haven't figured that out yet.

So I thought I'd blog about my books, since I don't seem to be able to *read* them.

Snow!

Make a Smilebox slideshow

Amy is...

Since I have Facebook on the brain, I'm extending my status updates to my life updates. No, not life updates. This is just how my brain is working today:

Amy is...

Listening to one song over and over again all day long. And pondering the meaning of it. And letting the music take me back to days in my life when I got to go see live music, which is where part of my soul still rests. I need music, and I need a certain amount of live music. I love to get lost in it, feel it swirl around me. I find myself needing more and more to get back to the essense of me. Get back to the parts of me that have been pushed aside for so, so long. And I desperately want a voice that would let me be a back up singer. My dream, absolute dream job.

Killing herself cleaning this house, and honestly mad at God that He's calling me to a higher level here. ME-one of the few people I know that actually *like* to clean house, being pushed harder in this area of my life. What the heck?

Pondering theology. Restless and bucking against the time restraints on my study time. Wondering how in the world I've missed some basic, fundamental tenants of my belief system. Wondering why in the world God puts up with me.

Pondering this quote by one of my favorite authors, Ernest Hemmingway, from "A Farewell to Arms:"
"The world breaks everyone, and afterward many are strong at the broken places. But those that will not break it kills. It kills the very good and the very gentle and the very brave impartially. If you are none of these you can be sure it will kill you too but there will be no special hurry."

So excited about this new Beth Moore study. I've prayed blessings over her all day, after watching the introductory video last night. I've missed having Beth in my life, and I'm so blessed and amazed by her. I'm super excited about this study, and thinking about what I've learned so far.

Danced while making dinner. It felt good. I danced while I cleaned the bathroom too. I've danced as much as possible today. I miss dancing too...

Actually fantasized about running today. Granted I was cleaning the shower, which is the job I so vehemently despise as far as housework goes, but still. I felt the stress of the day, of my life, and I just wanted to throw down that scrubbie, tear off the yellow rubber gloves and go run and run and run. I still do...

Praying for the sick, the hurt, the needy and all the people that keep ringing in my head that need God so desperately right now.

Is fully aware that she had not finished the Psalm 23 homework. *sigh*

Is trepidatous about finalizing the joining process for church on Sunday. It's just because I'm a freak.

Is super emotional right now, and ready to be done with that.

Has no desire in the whole world to watch television tonight. I just want to exercise and study. My goodness, I think God just may have done a work here...

Super proud of how hard her kids worked today. Over and beyond what I even knew they were capable of. I'm so proud, especially since they cleaned up messes THEY made...

There. I feel a little better. Why in the world that blogging helps calm my brain down, I'll never know...

Probably offensive, but that's okay

It's making fun of me more than anyone else, so it's all good!

Top Ten Good Things About Our New Depression
By Ken Layne
Mar 23rd 2008 7:25PM
Filed Under:eBush Administration, Economy, Ron Paul, Ken Layne's Outrage


According to the same financial experts who didn't manage to predict the current housing crash/credit crunch recession, the next step in this miserable process will be a full-blown Great Depression.

There are many causes for our new national nightmare, and it's no more fair to say "George W. Bush personally caused the entire catastrophe and ruined America forever" than it's fair to say "George W. Bush personally piloted those jets into the World Trade Center and Pentagon."

The important thing is to prepare for your new life during the New Great Depression, which will probably last at least a dozen years and end with the United States being one of the world's poorest, most-backward nations. But there's a bright side, too!

1. Hunger is a great way to lose weight. Unless you live in some fancy rich place like Manhattan or Santa Monica, you are probably surrounded by fat people. You may even need to lose a bit of weight yourself. Well, dieting is about to get a lot easier! When you have no money for food -- not even Nachos or Pepsi -- you'll be amazed how fast your waist size shrinks.

2. Cut your commute by losing your job. Sick of sitting in traffic for hours every day? Soon we'll all lose our jobs, and the days will suddenly be nothing but relaxation. You'll be amazed how much money you save by simply staying home. There's no need for costly corporate clothes -- not even "business casual" -- and no need to blow $10 a day at that lousy little deli in the office park.

3. Who cares if gas costs $10 a gallon? Through the miracle of unemployment, you'll also save a fortune in gasoline and car maintenance and parking fees and the toll-road pass and Books On Tape and other modern horrors. During the 1930s Great Depression, families could afford to enjoy nice Sunday drives -- often to look and laugh at "Open Houses" -- because it was the only time they used the car at all.

4. And that means healthier air to breathe. Guess what causes all that pollution and the global warming and the greenhouse and whatever? Economic activity, that's what! Now that you've got plenty of time, take a walk out to the woods and watch the squirrels -- it's easy, now that you're fit and relaxed. Those squirrels just screw around all day long, eating whatever falls off the tree, and it doesn't mess up the environment at all. That's what you are now, basically: a benignly useless squirrel.

5. Ron Paul supporters will magically vanish. Tired of those angry Ron Paul people always messing up the Internet and putting their dumb "Re-LOVE-ution" signs everywhere? As soon as they're hungry and cold, they'll be begging the federal government for every kind of assistance. For fun, at the bread line or soup kitchen, yell out "Go Ron Paul!" Everybody will be too weak and hungry to hit you.

6. No more idiot fashions. Sick of suburban goth kids and tattoo-covered store clerks and "bling bling" and American Apparel? We all are. But as the malls close down and the money dries up, "fashion" will be replaced with "the need for some kind of garment." Our formerly fat people will be able to make several plain sets of work clothes from their muu-muus and giant shorts, and only the occasional bit of a "Sean Paul" logo on a farmer's overalls will offer any clue of the embarrassing consumer era that ended for good in 2008.

7. We can't really afford 10 items on this list, so that's it. Remember to stock up on dry beans and canned vegetables!

Let's get on with it

Okay then, let's see if I can move this thing along. I'm behind on my "One Year Bible" and I really just want to go get a shower and snuggle down in the bed and catch up on that. But here we go. Or here I go.

You maketh me lie down in green pastures, you leadeth my beside the still waters.

Well, huh. I like that it says you MAKE me lie down. I'm not good at resting, and I think God knows that I need to. That I need to give to Him everything. The big, the small, the stuff that I think I need to handle. Give it to Him and lay down in rest. Sounds easy in theory.

He leads me to a quiet place. I am so convinced that God needs me to be quiet, still to hear His voice. I need to not be too busy. Not running all over the place. Limit what I do outside of my home, so that I can always be available to hear His voice. I love Psalm, 46, where David says,

Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth."

The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.

It's also a song I sing when I find myself in need of calming, focusing, relaxing, giving it to God. He begs me to get still and be with Him. I am His greatest joy, and He wants to spend time with me. The nice, normal me. Not always the crazy "I can't handle it, God...." me.

So,
He asks me to rest so I can be of the best service to him. He asks me to let Him be my calm place.

Okay, that was more succinct. Onward we (I) go.

He restoreth my soul:

You know, I had a lot of hurt in my life. Yep, I know everyone has. I hope not everyone hangs on to it the way I do. As soon as I encounter a repeat offender, and it seems that I so often do, I say, "Yep, there you go again." And I tend to pull away and make myself harder to get to, harder to reach. But you know, God is in charge of my soul. He can make my soul complete again. Heal old wounds, heal the new ones. He can make me whole again after a huge offense, or make me whole again after a hard day with the kids. Big or small, he makes me soul whole. No rhyming intended.

You are able to heal and protect my soul. It belongs to you anyway.

He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

Huh. I'm itching to look this one up in a commentary. God didn't tell me to research it. He asked me to interpret it for myself. Okay, letting go here... I know God wants me to do right. I know he wants me to obey. It took Blackaby for me to realize that it was for my own good, not that God was trying to keep me from fun. I've been reading Proverbs, and it sticks with me how much it talks about wisdom and walking a wise, obedient path. But why? For His name's sake. So I can honor and glorify him? So He'll be glorified by my obedience? So I'll be blessed? To show my love and gratitude to him? Yes to all the above? I've gotta meditate on that one.



He wants me to do right, for my own sake. And for His sake.


Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil

Well, that's pretty easy to say. So easy to quote, but if I found out I had a month to live, would I be okay with that? If I lost a child, would that be okay? If I was in mortal danger because of my beliefs, like so many Christians are in parts of our world today, would I be okay with that? Would I really not fear anything? Of course not. I'm feeble and weak and gluttonous in my need for well being. So I can't declare this one as David did. And man, did he go through some hard stuff. Never has anyone wanted to kill me. I mean really, like Saul did him. And he said he wouldn't be scared. I definitely have a lot to work on.

Even when you lead me through horrific times in my life, I won't be scared or afraid.

for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

There's my shepherd again. David killed a lion and a bear, to protect his flock. As a very young teenager. I think his flock probably felt pretty safe with him. And what do I have to fear, as the Creator of the universe walks with me? He okayed everything that comes into my life. He even said it would benefit me in the end. Why a rod and a staff? One to lead and one to protect? Okay, then those comfort me. I can think of other comforts of God too. The Bible, His Spirit, my Godly friends, nature... So in the horrific, the good, the bad, the banal, I am constantly comforted and loved by God.

You are with me, always. I can never doubt that. You have sent tangible things to comfort me, along with the intangible.

Welp, I can no longer push away the fatigue that is washing over me. I'm off to cleanse my body and my soul. And rest. With my most precious Lord. Hey, maybe I am learning...

My assignment

Maybe I've been too sedentary lately, or maybe I appear to not have enough to do, but anyway, God gave me homework. I can't imagine that He'd be trying to teach me something. Me? Heh...

So Laney memorized Psalm 23 last week for school. It's been ringing in my head, and God told me to translate it into a modern day version for myself. Fine. (Zane's new response to anything he's not happy about.) Here we go.

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.

Well, since sheep are the dumbest animals alive, it's no surprise to me that God calls me a sheep several times in the Bible. I am incredibly dumb. I loved going through a phase of reading Francine Rivers' Biblical fiction books. I loved "Amos" because of the detail she went into describing exactly what a shepherd does. So poignant that it literally made me cry several times. A shepherd guides, protects, disciplines, punishes and cares amazingly well for his flock. The thing I loved the most was when Amos had to break a sheep's leg because he was a leader, and the sheep kept leading the whole flock into dangerous territory. So he broke it's leg, but carried it around his neck until the leg healed. Whew. How many times have I had my leg broken? And how many more times will he have to break it again?

The foremost thing a shepherd does, though, is take care of and be responsible for a flock. That's what God does for me. Okay, if I'll let him. Sheep have to allow themselves to be cared for. They can't keep running away-either from foolishness or rebellion.

And since I'm being cared for, He's going to care for me. The God that created the Universe. And as we are all realizing more and more, the way we care for ourselves financially is being shaken all around us. This economy is crappy and scary. Even if it doesn't affect you directly, it's affecting those around you, and it will get to you one way or the other.

You don't have to imagine for long what it would feel like if your spouse lost their job. If you really had no way to support yourself. Then, could you believe that you wouldn't want for anything? I'm not sure I could. What would I want for anyway? Money to get back to living the way I was "accustomed" to. I'm going to have a lot to answer for there anyway. What's it like to hope you have food to eat that day? Or that you have a place to get out of the cold? We so very literally have no idea what it's like not to want for anything. We only think we want for stuff. I think if we trust Him for what we need, He will provide some wants in with those needs. I mean He pretty much says He will. But I'm careful about having the gall to ask for the wants when so many need the needs. Or something like that.

So,

The Lord is trying to lead, guide and protect me, if I'm not too dumb to let him. I need to trust that He can and will actually take care of me, physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally.

Well, that went splashingly well, seeing as how it's time to cook dinner and I got one whole verse done. No wonder He wanted me to do this. I had a WHOLE bunch to learn from one measly verse. Guess I'll work on this later.

Love, the dumbest sheep

I get this whole running thing

After a weird ankle injury and the kids' sickness forced me to abandon my Couch to 5K running plan last fall, I've picked it back up again. I'm really getting addicted to this running thing.

You know, it's funny. There is so much about running that I love. I love the solitude that it brings. I love that I can't take kids with me, even if I need/feel like I have to. It forces me to be alone, which I need. I love the uninterrupted prayer time that it brings. I love the conversions I have with the Lord during that time. I love being outside, feeling the wind on me and seeing God's creation. I adore how I feel afterward - all jelly like with muscles tired and warm. (Girlie alert) I love the thought that I am going to start losing weight at some point. I think about all the clothes that I am going to be able to get back into.

It's more than that, though. I'm seeing my spiritual life through a running perspective. I am learning to draw so many correlations between running and my spiritual life. As far as running goes, I can learn about it, talk about it with people, read all about it, but as far as actually running, only I can do that. Only me. No matter if I run alone, or with 100 people, I am the only one that can run for myself. I think that way about my walk with Christ too.

I can go to church, have Godly friends, abstain from such and so, put on a great show, but it's really up to me what kind of walk I'm going to have. I'm the only one that can have my relationship with Christ. It's all up to me and me alone.

There's part of me that hates running too. It's hard. Each and every time I run, at some point, I'm yelling in my head at Robert (the guy that lives in my Ipod that tells me when to run and when to walk) that I don't want to do it anymore. I wonder if he fell asleep at his recording unit and forgot to tell me to stop running and walk. I hate that we live in a society that we even NEED to exercise. I hate that I live such a sedentary life and each such horrible food that this is even a necessity. I hate that running is becoming a hobby of mine and wish that eating chocolate and playing on the computer could be my hobby instead.

And I hate my spiritual walk sometimes too. It's hard. Really hard. That path is narrow, and so often times lonely and difficult. I so want to just live that lukewarm life, just doing enough to get by. I get worn down and beat up by the way that Jesus is constantly, and I do mean constantly, refining me. I get tired and discouraged. I get mad at God and question Him, wondering if He's truly gotten me all wrong.

I never, ever regret running. I feel so good afterwards. Those endorphins are cranking, my body feels good, and I know I doing good for me. I push on through the horrible part of running, in part because I know how good I'm going to feel afterwards.

I also get really cheesy sometimes, and picture my friends cheering me on, standing along the street, like I am a one woman parade. This makes me smile, and I run on, thinking of them there. I also picture me at the finish of my first 5K. And maybe something bigger after that. I picture how I'm going to go across that finish line, and what I'll do. I think about celebrating with the people that I want to run with me. That takes up a good 10 minutes or so.

That leads me to the obvious conclusion. I run this race, as Paul so beautifully put it, because of what lies at the end. I want to run well, to please my Father and show him my gratitude for what He did for me. I picture me face to face with Jesus, thanking Him for what He did for me. Instead of thanking him with my words and life, I'll finally be able to thank Him face to face. That keeps me going so much of the time.

And much like I so scarily imagine my friends lining the streets of my neighborhood, cheering my out of shape self on towards the next week of the Couch to 5K plan, I garner so much strength of those running alongside of me on the spiritual race too. Just like I read of those running marathons or just enjoying the torture, I mean pleasure, of a true running passion, and getting inspiration from them, I'm getting on with this spiritual walk with inspiration from those with me on that too.

I'm so thankful for the tangible people that God uses in my life to encourage me and cheer me on. And I love that they have no idea of what they are to me. I love that I get so much from them just because they are running their own race, with their eyes on their own prize. I am on their sidelines, praying for them, cheering them on, and they don't even know it. I trust God that they feel my prayers, and I'm so thankful for them. I'm crushingly thankful for those who are running hard. With passion. Both literally and figuratively.

That's why I've fallen in love with running.