Monday, January 19, 2009
Friday, January 16, 2009
I want to live here!
The Sisterhood movie just reminded me of it, but I have always wanted to live here. They need missionaries, right?Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Death is weird
Well, so it birth, for that matter.
I'll never forget the adjustment I had when Laney first came. I simply could not comprehend how a human was not there one day, and was there the next. Forever. It was so profound, so permanent. I mean, I knew she could die, but barring that occurrence, she was here for good. There was no escaping it.
When I came home from the hospital, I was shocked and amazed, truly, that there was mail on the kitchen table. The mail had run while I was off having a baby? How had the whole world not stopped when this new life came to be??? It was just overwhelming in my mind.
I'm perfectly aware that most people don't go through this when they have children. I admit that I didn't feel quite this way with the births of my other two. I was more used to it, but still marveled at the miracle of birth.
And death is no less amazing. How can someone be here one day, and then just .... not? It's just weird. They leave behind so much. Their stuff, the people they loved, their memories. But how, really, can they just go? As suddenly as they come, they are gone. It's just mind boggling to me. How can Buddy's clothes be in the dryer if he's really gone. He just wore them...
I lost my aunt suddenly, and my dear, dear friend to breast cancer far too early in her life. Those were hard to deal with. My dear friend lost his girl friend when we were in high school. That was also the purely awful, life-taken-too-quickly kind of death. Horrific in the raw, voluminous, copious, amount of grief. They shook me to the core. It made everything seem to superficial. Every time, I remember really wondering, "How are they just gone?" I always feel that way after someone leaves. Just... weird.
I've pondered death so much this last week. I lost my Granddaddy. My Daddy Buddy. It seems kinda normal to lose a grandparent. I think for me, it was losing something more. My grandparents stayed together. For better or worse. The only members of either side of my family that did. They were a safe haven for me in the midst of a not great childhood. They loved me, truly and unconditionally. I would have lived with them in a heartbeat. Daddy Buddy was one of my biggest fans. He was proud of me and let me know it.
I am trying to dissect my grief. WHY am I sad? Really? Part of it is very selfish. I miss him because he loved me so much.
I'm sad too, because I see my dad having to step into the patriarchal role. He has to take care of everyone now. In our family, that's saying a lot.
He told me that I'm the matriarch now too. Thanks. I'm struggling to potty train a 2 year old. Don't put me in charge of a family. I'm praying through what that all means.
I'm sad because of my grandmother. I'm worried about how someone gets along after 59 years of marriage. I think this is when her disease is actually a blessing. I was blessed too to see how many widow friends she has, all ready to step in and care for her. Formidable bunch, they are. Precious too. Getting along after all those shared years, alone.
I'm sad because my family is shrinking. After my grandmother is gone, my dad will be next. That's scary and sad.
I have to be careful with grief. I don't want to use it as an excuse to dive into myself. I don't want to wallow, just for the sake of wallowing. It feels good to grieve, in a way. You are allowed to focus just on how you feel about something. You just revel in your loss. You spin, ebbing and flowing in the grief. It's a very self centered, ego centric state of mind. I have sensed the spirit calling me back a bit. To process and experience, but them to dwell in praise and faith. That's what we're called to do.
People grieved in the Bible. I don't think it's wrong to grieve. But I think of David, who pulled himself up, cleaned himself up and went to worship his God. This is after he lost his son. Due to his own sin. I can't imagine a worse death to endure.
I don't want to dance long with grief. It's not a suitable partner. Emotions creep up on me unexpectedly, demanding that I tend to them. Telling me they aren't ready to go. I keep pictures of Buddy around me now. I imagine his voice. His hands. His love of red velvet cake that I got too. The laugh that was my very favorite. They are a little difficult now, but I know that they will soon be my favorite memories to experience.
I feel parts of me longing to get back to normal. I don't think it's healthy to grieve heavily for long. I don't think we're made for that. I think we're made to be peaceful, happy and content. Resting in Him. I have been. There's just a day I'd live without my King. Especially those days here lately.
So that's it. In a nutshell. There's been so much I've thought and felt, but there's no need to drudge it all up. My concern is for my beloved Mama Sue. I'm thankful for the good days she's had here lately. I'm thankful for my dad. I'm remembering that the hard, hard roads you walk with God really do bring you closer to Him. Those memories that are so painful and scary, become precious because He was there, teaching and guiding, comforting and healing you the whole time. Maybe that's part of why we have death. So we can know those parts of Him so much more than we would otherwise.
**Stupid Blogger won't let me edit the font problems here. So sorry about that.
I'll never forget the adjustment I had when Laney first came. I simply could not comprehend how a human was not there one day, and was there the next. Forever. It was so profound, so permanent. I mean, I knew she could die, but barring that occurrence, she was here for good. There was no escaping it.
When I came home from the hospital, I was shocked and amazed, truly, that there was mail on the kitchen table. The mail had run while I was off having a baby? How had the whole world not stopped when this new life came to be??? It was just overwhelming in my mind.
I'm perfectly aware that most people don't go through this when they have children. I admit that I didn't feel quite this way with the births of my other two. I was more used to it, but still marveled at the miracle of birth.
And death is no less amazing. How can someone be here one day, and then just .... not? It's just weird. They leave behind so much. Their stuff, the people they loved, their memories. But how, really, can they just go? As suddenly as they come, they are gone. It's just mind boggling to me. How can Buddy's clothes be in the dryer if he's really gone. He just wore them...
I lost my aunt suddenly, and my dear, dear friend to breast cancer far too early in her life. Those were hard to deal with. My dear friend lost his girl friend when we were in high school. That was also the purely awful, life-taken-too-quickly kind of death. Horrific in the raw, voluminous, copious, amount of grief. They shook me to the core. It made everything seem to superficial. Every time, I remember really wondering, "How are they just gone?" I always feel that way after someone leaves. Just... weird.
I've pondered death so much this last week. I lost my Granddaddy. My Daddy Buddy. It seems kinda normal to lose a grandparent. I think for me, it was losing something more. My grandparents stayed together. For better or worse. The only members of either side of my family that did. They were a safe haven for me in the midst of a not great childhood. They loved me, truly and unconditionally. I would have lived with them in a heartbeat. Daddy Buddy was one of my biggest fans. He was proud of me and let me know it.
I am trying to dissect my grief. WHY am I sad? Really? Part of it is very selfish. I miss him because he loved me so much.
I'm sad too, because I see my dad having to step into the patriarchal role. He has to take care of everyone now. In our family, that's saying a lot.
He told me that I'm the matriarch now too. Thanks. I'm struggling to potty train a 2 year old. Don't put me in charge of a family. I'm praying through what that all means.
I'm sad because of my grandmother. I'm worried about how someone gets along after 59 years of marriage. I think this is when her disease is actually a blessing. I was blessed too to see how many widow friends she has, all ready to step in and care for her. Formidable bunch, they are. Precious too. Getting along after all those shared years, alone.
I'm sad because my family is shrinking. After my grandmother is gone, my dad will be next. That's scary and sad.
I have to be careful with grief. I don't want to use it as an excuse to dive into myself. I don't want to wallow, just for the sake of wallowing. It feels good to grieve, in a way. You are allowed to focus just on how you feel about something. You just revel in your loss. You spin, ebbing and flowing in the grief. It's a very self centered, ego centric state of mind. I have sensed the spirit calling me back a bit. To process and experience, but them to dwell in praise and faith. That's what we're called to do.
People grieved in the Bible. I don't think it's wrong to grieve. But I think of David, who pulled himself up, cleaned himself up and went to worship his God. This is after he lost his son. Due to his own sin. I can't imagine a worse death to endure.
I don't want to dance long with grief. It's not a suitable partner. Emotions creep up on me unexpectedly, demanding that I tend to them. Telling me they aren't ready to go. I keep pictures of Buddy around me now. I imagine his voice. His hands. His love of red velvet cake that I got too. The laugh that was my very favorite. They are a little difficult now, but I know that they will soon be my favorite memories to experience.
I feel parts of me longing to get back to normal. I don't think it's healthy to grieve heavily for long. I don't think we're made for that. I think we're made to be peaceful, happy and content. Resting in Him. I have been. There's just a day I'd live without my King. Especially those days here lately.
So that's it. In a nutshell. There's been so much I've thought and felt, but there's no need to drudge it all up. My concern is for my beloved Mama Sue. I'm thankful for the good days she's had here lately. I'm thankful for my dad. I'm remembering that the hard, hard roads you walk with God really do bring you closer to Him. Those memories that are so painful and scary, become precious because He was there, teaching and guiding, comforting and healing you the whole time. Maybe that's part of why we have death. So we can know those parts of Him so much more than we would otherwise.
**Stupid Blogger won't let me edit the font problems here. So sorry about that.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Non New Year's Resolutions
Blue just feels like the new year to me. I don't know why.
I've been very in my own world since Halloween. The kids got sick back to back, then me, then Allen had his surgery, then there were the holidays, and I just let it all go. I'm not sure why, when things get so tough, I just give up. Quite the opposite of what I'm supposed to do .
Or maybe I just needed a vacation. A vacation from right. That's nice, huh? Today's sermon really spurred me on, helping me to get it all back together. I feel good when I'm doing what's right. I feel the very best.
I've been very in my own world since Halloween. The kids got sick back to back, then me, then Allen had his surgery, then there were the holidays, and I just let it all go. I'm not sure why, when things get so tough, I just give up. Quite the opposite of what I'm supposed to do .
Or maybe I just needed a vacation. A vacation from right. That's nice, huh? Today's sermon really spurred me on, helping me to get it all back together. I feel good when I'm doing what's right. I feel the very best.
- Back to good eating. I am going to lose these 15 pounds that I've courted for far too long. I don't like eating badly, and especially don't like how I feel when I do.
- Back to Bible study. I mean real Bible study.
- Exercise. I had such a great thing going. I truly looked forward to my exercise. I want to get back to that. So much of my life still depends on Zane, but I have to recognize that things are getting better with him, and I need to be encouraged with that.
- We are going to continue to be and get better at being good stewards of our money. Not eating out and being careful with our extra money are two biggies for us. I'm praying for discipline there.
Friday, January 2, 2009
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Happy Anniversary
This is my grandparents 59th anniversary. My grandmother always said it was so hard to have an anniversary this time of year, and I think she regretted getting married on the day that they did.
I wore her wedding dress when I got married 13 1/2 years ago. That made her very happy.
This is going to be a hard Christmas for us, because for the first time in my life, my grandparents won't be at Christmas. They are both suffering, among other things, dementia and/or Alzheimer's disease. It would just be too hard for them. We can go see them later, but it's hard knowing that they won't be with us.
They certainly don't know that it's their Anniversary, and they barely know each other at this point. I want to always remember this day for them, because they were so happy. That's easy to see.
Today is sentimental too, since Allen and I got engaged today, 14 years ago. I'm glad I get to share this day with my grandparents in a small way.
I wore her wedding dress when I got married 13 1/2 years ago. That made her very happy.
This is going to be a hard Christmas for us, because for the first time in my life, my grandparents won't be at Christmas. They are both suffering, among other things, dementia and/or Alzheimer's disease. It would just be too hard for them. We can go see them later, but it's hard knowing that they won't be with us.
They certainly don't know that it's their Anniversary, and they barely know each other at this point. I want to always remember this day for them, because they were so happy. That's easy to see.
Today is sentimental too, since Allen and I got engaged today, 14 years ago. I'm glad I get to share this day with my grandparents in a small way.
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