"What do you seek?"

I have strange fears. 

One of them is eternity. 

Yes. Eternity. 

I've had this fear since I was a child. I can remember clearly being in second grade and lying in the bed, trying to figure out eternity. I would think about it at length, trying to understand how heaven could never end. I would think about it until the anxiety would force me to stop or I would have to succumb to a full blown anxiety attack. 

I thought I would grow out of it. 

I didn't. 

I remember still being in a Bible study with my friends several years ago and confessing this strange part of myself nervously to my friends. A sweet friend blessed with the gift of faith said, "Just don't think about it."

Okay.

That didn't help.

I still, at any moment, can ponder the concept of eternity and work myself into a complete anxiety attack.

I'm quite sure this is sin.

{This oddity was finally helped a little by the theological revelation that time is a concept created along with our world. It didn't exist before the creation of the universe and won't exist after. To even ascribe the word "eternity" to heaven is to ascribe a  human term to a non-human concept. It won't exist there. This helped. Some.}

This tends to color how I feel about dying too. I am completely confident in my salvation. The realization that death ushers me into eternity? That's a little more of a problem.

I usually conquer this peculiar flaw of mine with praise and an outward confession of my weakness and begging God to help me trust Him.

{and I know all the right theological answers. this is just a supremely bizarre aspect to my sinful anxiety.}

So

The hubs and I headed off one Sunday to finally see "The Hobbit." We love these movies and watch them periodically. 

I particularly love Elrond and his home, Rivendell.

(photo credit: http://lotr.wikia.com/wiki/Elrond)

This is the cheesiest video ever, but I needed to include here just a glimpse of Rivendell:

So hubs and I are watching "The Hobbit" and I'm innocently enjoying the movie. Elrond's image fills the screen and I involuntarily sighed and thought, "Aw, I hope Jesus is like that."

That sort of shocked my system, and I sat upright and thought, "WHAT did I just say?" 

Gosh.

But soon images of Rivendell flowed off the screen and soothed me, and I found myself wishing that this is what heaven would be like. 

"If heaven was like that, I wouldn't want it to end."

Okay, folks, this is where I knew it was time to get into the Gospels.

See, I spend most of my time in the Old Testament. There are tons of reasons why, but I just prefer it. 

Anyway, after I found myself wishing that Jesus looked, sounded and acted like an actor on a screen, I knew it was time to spend some deep, real and long time with Him. 

I repented and opened my Bible to John.

Oh, sweet John. I asked the Lord to meet me on the pages of John.

Just as sometimes you don't realize how thirsty you are until you take that first drink of ice cold water, I realized how much I needed to be near my Savior. I needed to hear Him and see Him and touch Him and be touched by Him.

I began to worship as I saw again that He has always been. 

And then these words:

What do you seek?

He said these words to His first disciples, former disciples of John the Baptist, Andrew and Peter. They "heard Him speak and and they followed Jesus." He turned to them and said these words, not in a condescending or confrontational way, but in a gentle invitation for them to interact with Him. And that's why I needed to be here with Christ. Sometimes I think He wasn't kind. He wasn't loving. He's tough and hard and demanding. 

Or this is how I feel when I step away from Him for too long.

And I felt Scripture beckon me and ask me the same question. Gently. Kindly. It was an invitation to interact with Him, just as He said to Andrew and Peter, "Why are you here? What would you like to know?"

And I told Him that I missed Him. I was sorry I had stayed away too long. I needed to be near Him and hear His words again. 

So I read. I tried not to stop and study too much. I tried to just read and allow His words to flow over me. To soothe. To convict. To fellowship with Him. To learn from Him. 

And there is was. The invitation that I had seen quite often here lately. But to see it here, in Scripture  in context of His words, and His story, it was precious. 

So I read and I read. And I met Him here in these pages. I saw His love and saw His commands. I studied when my cultural expectations crashed against the words in the pages. When He wasn't kind enough or sensitive enough. And of course I was wrong over and over again. He was kind and gentle. It felt good to get back to Who He really was and is and what He is calling me to.

Hard words. He says hard words too. 

It felt so good to see His words unfiltered and fresh off the page lodging themselves in my mind and in my heart.

I felt changed each morning just by spending time with Him here. 

Jesus. 

Not God. Just Jesus. 

The part of the trinity that I grapple with the most. Savior and King. What does that look like each day in my life?

The words in John soothed my fears and ushered me to worship.

Then Lent came. What a sweet way to celebrate this time leading up to Easter. With Jesus. And just Jesus. 

I pulled this out. When John is complete, I will read all the Gospels, together as one. To see their stories woven together to paint this picture of Christ. 

To celebrate this: the "ministry, crucifixion and resurrection of the Messiah." 

What about me will be different by spending time with Him in these pages? No theology. No rudimentary word studies that are probably doing more damage than they are good. No commentaries. No books written about these Gospels. 

Just the Word.

Just the Words of Christ. 

How will I be changed? 

I can't wait. 

And I'm quite sure Jesus is infinitely superior to Elrond. I'm positive Rivendell will look like a sewer compared to Heaven. I know that my finite mind was not created to here on earth comprehend what eternity will be. 

But do you know what soothed this in me? When Jesus said to His disciples as He was getting ready to go to the cross, 

 Father, I desire those You have given Me to be with Me where I am. Then they will see My glory, which You have given Me because You loved Me before the world's foundation.

He desired even then that I be with Him in Heaven. How can I be afraid of being somewhere with Someone who loves me with a love I can't even fully comprehend?

So what am I back to? 

Trust. 

Yes, Jesus. I trust You. With my salvation. With Your plan for my life. And even with Heaven. 

I'm thankful for Your patience with me.

And I'm thankful for the power of Scripture. May we all seek Jesus on its pages more.