Consolation

She looked at me appraisingly with bright blue eyes - young, bright and carefree.

"Do you work?" she asked, studying me well.

I was caught off guard. It had been a while since I had heard that question.

"Oh, no. I stay home with them..." I nodded to my kids who were bouncing nearby. 

"Oh," she said. 

She paused a moment. 

"Well, that's a full time job..." 

Her words trailed off (I heard the unspoken "sort of" in there) and I turned my gaze full on her as I decided how to respond. 

How could she know? 

I chose kindness. 

"Yeah, it is. But it's good, and I'm thankful I get to stay home with them."

That's all she wanted to hear. Actually I'm not sure she made it through the entire sentence, but though no fault of her own. Her sweet youthfulness prevented her from even pondering for a moment what it might be like to "stay at home with kids."

And who can blame her?

Later in the day I reflected on the emotions that the conversation had stirred in me.

What I really wanted to say was, "No, actually this is like having four full time jobs (you know, since most jobs are 40 hours and there are 168 hours in a week.)  And there is no clock out time, no sick days, no personal days, no lunch breaks and no monetary benefit. Oh, and no vacation days, and no weekends."

I am so glad I didn't say that. 

(Thankfully I can't do math that quickly, so even if I had wanted to say all that I couldn't have. There you go. My lack of quick math skills actually worked to my benefit. I'm waiting for the benefit of the lack of spelling skills to kick in any day now.)

So why did I feel the need to go there? 

Even to myself?

Was it because it had been a hard week? Was it because I was staring down another school year fully aware of all of my inadequacies as a teacher, much less as a mother? Was it because I was tired? Worried? Stressed? Wondering how my kids were going to turn out in the grand scheme of life?

Probably.

And maybe I was tired of staying at home with my kids being viewed as a second hand occupation. Sort of a consolation prize. 

My second favorite question is, "What will you do after they are gone? Will you work then?"

You know, stop sucking up resources and actually start contributing to society again? Pulling your weight? Do something worthwhile?

That's my other favorite. 

Oh, I already said that.

Usually I tell people (on a good day) that when my youngest has graduated from high school I will be 52 years old. (You don't want to know how long it took me to figure that number out or what that number did to my... everything.)

So at 52 I will have been out of the workplace for a grand total of 23 years. My degree will be obsolete, as will any job, resume or experience I may have had before I had kids.

I'm sure employers will be knocking down my door.

And I thought of all the 50 somethings that were in college with me. They messed up all the grading curves since they were actually motivated to be there and weren't messing around. (I was too, for that matter, but dang, those ladies knew how to study. They blew us away every single time.)

I guess that's why they were there. Their children had sauntered off into the sunset, leaving behind a mother who had cleaned, nursed, chauffeured, cooked, and cared for them for more than 18 years and left behind an exhausted and used up woman who then had to figure out what they were good for now.

Or at least that's what it looks like from this vantage point. 

You know, looking ahead. 

All this doesn't change anything, really. I know with out a shred of doubt that I can where I am supposed to be. I know that no matter how bad at this job I am, no matter how many horrific days we have, no matter how much I ask God, "Are you SURE about this?" and no matter how many times the Accuser tells me that I'm messing my kids up irreparably, I will keep on. 

And no matter how many times people look at me sympathetically when I say I am a stay at home mom, (and boy the sympathetic looks my kids get when I tell them we homeschool) I will stand strong in this calling.

And you know why? Mostly because I know the work God is doing in me because I stay home.

That's the secret that they don't know or probably even care about. 

And He's training up an army in this house. He's going to use it for His glory, and we are simply getting ready for that, working hard while we're waiting, being used all the while, but knowing that our efforts are not in vain. We are creating a foundation in Him that will never be shaken. We are forming bonds as a family that will never be broken. We are seeking him as a family. We are learning about Him and all His ways. We are devoted to Him in thought, word, action and deed. And though it's hard and there are days I want to give up, run and hide, I keep on. I persevere because I know that I am not operating in the temporal. I'm building eternal things in this house. Things that will live on for an eternity. All for His glory. 

So that makes it a little easier to smile when asked this disheartening question. 

To say, 

"Yeah, I get to stay at home with my kids. And I'm glad..."

And really mean it.