Adequate

I have this huge post titled "Conviction or Condemnation?" in which I ponder endlessly the phenomenon of not measuring up to standards I place for myself especially when I compare myself to others. 

(This was all started by the cleanliness of a friend's oven. Really.)

Wow. It was kind of nice to summarize all that drivel in one sentence.

The conclusion I was coming to, before I gave up trying to sort it all out with words, was that sometimes those compressions spur me on to work harder, improve in some area and/or re-evaluate if I am putting forth a consecrated effort or simply slacking. 

(And perhaps clean my oven.)

And then other times they just make me feel like crap.

I really should try this sort of blogging more often. I'd like to point out that those are four scant paragraphs on a subject I've been wrestling with for several weeks.

I think I need some sort of blogging award.

Or chocolate.

One morning the Lord handed me this verse:

"Not that we are adequate in ourselves to consider anything as coming from ourselves, but our adequacy is from God." 

2 Corinthians 3:5

It jumped off the page and landed in my lap. 

I was struggling with huge feelings of inadequacy. 

I can't do it all. 

Beth Moore reminded me of it again this week:

"I am too much and not enough."

~sigh~

And then God handed me that verse. Once He hands me a verse specifically, I know I have to do something with it.

So I pondered it. 

It seemed a little strange. God promises us that we are "adequate."

I don't recall recently telling one of my kids, "Way to go! You are adequate!"

"Adequate" to me said that you fell far short of what is good and acceptable, much less excellent.

Just good enough.

Like I get a grade "C" in life.

Great.

But as I pondered this verse, I knew there had to be something more.

I have an unnatural affection for the dictionary. I love to look up words, even words I already know the definition to. It's a weird addiction.

So I looked up the word "adequate." Surely there was a hidden meaning to that word that was going to shed new light on this verse.

Sure enough, this is what I found:

adequate: Sufficient for a specific purpose.

Huh. 

I am good enough.

Well, that's more encouraging. But why, Lord? Why not make me stellar? Why not make me awesome? Why not empower me with amazing shows of wonderfulness?

Because.

 Then I wouldn't have to lean on Him ever second of every day. Because then I wouldn't have to trust Him to get me through my days. Because then I would think that I have something in me that worthy, good, able and... sufficient.

If He gave me too much sufficiency, then I wouldn't have to trust Him second by second to uphold me, guide my step, lead and direct me. 

All of my sufficiency comes from Christ. And only Him.

Being sufficient (in Him) reminds me of this.

If there are times that I do coast, thinking, "Hey, I got this...!" I can be sure that a crash is coming right around the corner. (And it always does.)

I am sure now more than ever that I am only usable by Him when I am clinging to Him in desperation.

So what does that look like long term? I believe that I am going to be crippled, clinging to him in the midst of the storm that I am for the rest of my life. (I am my own hurricane.)

And you know what? That's good. I want my weakness to showcase His glory more. I want to tell people, "I can't do it at all. But He makes me able. Sufficient for this purpose."

Whatever that purpose is. 

Even if it's just getting the laundry done.