God is taking me to some pretty crazy places in my life. That's so surprise, I guess. I've blogged about maybe 1/100th of that He's doing, and that's about all He'll let me share for the time being. Let's just say that I'm struggling under the weight of what He's handing me. That's no surprise, either, knowing me.
As I've struggled, I've failed quite a bit. No surprise there either, to me. I've flung myself between the two extremes of absorbing God's mercy and feeling totally useless-a failure. I know what God is calling me to do, and I see where I fail. I can see where my disobedience prevents me from moving ahead with God's plan. I know that God is patient with me, but I also know that He's serious about what He's called me to- My obligations that are impossible to circumvent as a child of God. Things that are completely and utterly unavoidable. Things He demands of me. Things that are required of all believers and things that He's asking specifically of me.
And you know what verse I found myself quoting, both to myself and out loud? Romans 8:1.
"Therefore there is now no condemnation for those that love God."
That's a great verse to quote when you feel like you're failing at something. Right?
Well, the sweet Holy Spirit whispered to me one day that I wasn't exactly quoting that verse correctly. Just like with the "where two or more are gathered in His name" verse, I had been using Romans 8:1 to suit my own purposes. Excusing my failures with a quick, "Well Romans 8:1 says I'm not condemned because of my sin."
Duh. I can almost hear the Holy Spirit rolling His eyes. Why is He so patient with me? He asked me to take that verse apart. Word by word. Why does it start out with "Therefore"? Oh, because Paul writes Romans 1-7, and then says, "Okay, now that you have all that, take this into consideration." Opps, yeah. I haven't read Romans 1-7 in awhile. I'm studying the Old Testament, remember? It's like coming in on the middle of a conversation. I was just jumping into the middle of a book and grabbing out a verse that made me feel better. Huh.
Then there's the whole "condemnation" part of the verse. What does it mean to be condemned? The Greek word, because I love this geeky stuff so very much, is κατάκριμα, which means to give judgement against. In other words, I'm not condemned because God saved me from my sins through a trip to the cross. I know I'm not condemned for my sins. I knew that the moment I received Christ and believed in and put my faith in the Gospel.
So what I was telling myself that I wasn't really held accountable for my sins, when what that verse actually means is that I'm not going to hell for my sins.
The Holy Spirit very plainly told me that Jesus didn't die on the cross so I could quote Romans 8:1. He died on the cross so that I could be absolved from my sins that I repented from. But God wants me to take my sin very seriously. God wants me to weep over my sin, because it was that sin that put Jesus on the cross in the first place. He wants me to stop offering Him excuses for the ways that I fail to obey Him and His Word. And there WILL be a day of judgement where I will have to answer for words I've spoken, and I feel quite sure for some other ways I've grieved the Holy Spirit.
The things I'm learning are hard, difficult and not in any way comfortable. But the irony is, that following Romans 8:1 is a beautiful chapter, my second favorite to Isaiah 40, full of encouragement and hope. If I read Romans 8:2-39 more often, I wouldn't feel the need to misquote Romans 8:1.
So not condemned, but accountable. Forgiven, but accountable. Given much and required much of.
Which leads me to the next thing I have to stop saying.
"It's all about balance."
This is my other cop-out for ways that I fail God. I read His Word, hear His voice and then think, "Well, it's really all about balance."
Really?
God challenged me to show Him where in the Word He ordered me to live a balanced life. And who else lived a balanced life? Did Jesus? Paul? The disciples? No. They didn't. And I wanted to find someone who kinda struck a balance. So God asked me what striking a balance looked like.
So I thought balance looked something like not going to far one way or another. Just staying right in the middle. The comfortable middle. You know, not being a fanatic and not being apathetic. Balancing His word with my modern outlook on things. Applying the Word to my American way of living and doing things.
Oh wait. Huh. That's not what being balanced it. Let me try that again.
Being balanced is just using common sense when you're trying to figure something out. That's better. Not going off the deep end. You know, not scaring people with your craziness.
But the more I read the Bible, in it Jesus just tells me how to live. It doesn't match up with what the world thinks is normal, and it certainly wouldn't make any sense to them. And you know what? It's not balanced. At all.
It's all out, sold out, non compromising, non apologetic, pure devotion to the sovereign Lord who wants to be the only thing I'm passionate about in my whole life. He tells me over and over again to obey and love Him with my WHOLE heart. Not a balanced part of my heart. Not a rational part of my heart. With reckless abandon. Flinging my self whole hearted into God's will for my life with no hesitation and no compromise.
Is it easy? Probably is for some. Not for me. I hesitate at every turn, second guessing myself and God too. I'm working through that. I don't have this part all figured out yet, but I do know that God has not called me to be balanced in any area of my life that concerns Him. And if I was true to that, it would probably take care of the areas in my life that are balanced that don't need to be.
And the cliche verse that keeps ringing in my head is in Revelations 3:
I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot; I wish that you were cold or hot.
So because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of My mouth.
Maybe being lukewarm isn't the same as being balanced, but God has been using this verse as a warning in my head anyway.
So now my prayer is to make me grievous over my sin and keep me from being balanced. Not two very easy things for me to pray. My flesh screams at them, actually. Thanks be to God who is going a great work in me. ~ I pray He keeps at it, with all that loving grace and patience. And with the harsh, harsh reality that He has called me to.
As I've struggled, I've failed quite a bit. No surprise there either, to me. I've flung myself between the two extremes of absorbing God's mercy and feeling totally useless-a failure. I know what God is calling me to do, and I see where I fail. I can see where my disobedience prevents me from moving ahead with God's plan. I know that God is patient with me, but I also know that He's serious about what He's called me to- My obligations that are impossible to circumvent as a child of God. Things that are completely and utterly unavoidable. Things He demands of me. Things that are required of all believers and things that He's asking specifically of me.
And you know what verse I found myself quoting, both to myself and out loud? Romans 8:1.
"Therefore there is now no condemnation for those that love God."
That's a great verse to quote when you feel like you're failing at something. Right?
Well, the sweet Holy Spirit whispered to me one day that I wasn't exactly quoting that verse correctly. Just like with the "where two or more are gathered in His name" verse, I had been using Romans 8:1 to suit my own purposes. Excusing my failures with a quick, "Well Romans 8:1 says I'm not condemned because of my sin."
Duh. I can almost hear the Holy Spirit rolling His eyes. Why is He so patient with me? He asked me to take that verse apart. Word by word. Why does it start out with "Therefore"? Oh, because Paul writes Romans 1-7, and then says, "Okay, now that you have all that, take this into consideration." Opps, yeah. I haven't read Romans 1-7 in awhile. I'm studying the Old Testament, remember? It's like coming in on the middle of a conversation. I was just jumping into the middle of a book and grabbing out a verse that made me feel better. Huh.
Then there's the whole "condemnation" part of the verse. What does it mean to be condemned? The Greek word, because I love this geeky stuff so very much, is κατάκριμα, which means to give judgement against. In other words, I'm not condemned because God saved me from my sins through a trip to the cross. I know I'm not condemned for my sins. I knew that the moment I received Christ and believed in and put my faith in the Gospel.
So what I was telling myself that I wasn't really held accountable for my sins, when what that verse actually means is that I'm not going to hell for my sins.
The Holy Spirit very plainly told me that Jesus didn't die on the cross so I could quote Romans 8:1. He died on the cross so that I could be absolved from my sins that I repented from. But God wants me to take my sin very seriously. God wants me to weep over my sin, because it was that sin that put Jesus on the cross in the first place. He wants me to stop offering Him excuses for the ways that I fail to obey Him and His Word. And there WILL be a day of judgement where I will have to answer for words I've spoken, and I feel quite sure for some other ways I've grieved the Holy Spirit.
The things I'm learning are hard, difficult and not in any way comfortable. But the irony is, that following Romans 8:1 is a beautiful chapter, my second favorite to Isaiah 40, full of encouragement and hope. If I read Romans 8:2-39 more often, I wouldn't feel the need to misquote Romans 8:1.
So not condemned, but accountable. Forgiven, but accountable. Given much and required much of.
Which leads me to the next thing I have to stop saying.
"It's all about balance."
This is my other cop-out for ways that I fail God. I read His Word, hear His voice and then think, "Well, it's really all about balance."
Really?
God challenged me to show Him where in the Word He ordered me to live a balanced life. And who else lived a balanced life? Did Jesus? Paul? The disciples? No. They didn't. And I wanted to find someone who kinda struck a balance. So God asked me what striking a balance looked like.
So I thought balance looked something like not going to far one way or another. Just staying right in the middle. The comfortable middle. You know, not being a fanatic and not being apathetic. Balancing His word with my modern outlook on things. Applying the Word to my American way of living and doing things.
Oh wait. Huh. That's not what being balanced it. Let me try that again.
Being balanced is just using common sense when you're trying to figure something out. That's better. Not going off the deep end. You know, not scaring people with your craziness.
But the more I read the Bible, in it Jesus just tells me how to live. It doesn't match up with what the world thinks is normal, and it certainly wouldn't make any sense to them. And you know what? It's not balanced. At all.
It's all out, sold out, non compromising, non apologetic, pure devotion to the sovereign Lord who wants to be the only thing I'm passionate about in my whole life. He tells me over and over again to obey and love Him with my WHOLE heart. Not a balanced part of my heart. Not a rational part of my heart. With reckless abandon. Flinging my self whole hearted into God's will for my life with no hesitation and no compromise.
Is it easy? Probably is for some. Not for me. I hesitate at every turn, second guessing myself and God too. I'm working through that. I don't have this part all figured out yet, but I do know that God has not called me to be balanced in any area of my life that concerns Him. And if I was true to that, it would probably take care of the areas in my life that are balanced that don't need to be.
And the cliche verse that keeps ringing in my head is in Revelations 3:
I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot; I wish that you were cold or hot.
So because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of My mouth.
Maybe being lukewarm isn't the same as being balanced, but God has been using this verse as a warning in my head anyway.
So now my prayer is to make me grievous over my sin and keep me from being balanced. Not two very easy things for me to pray. My flesh screams at them, actually. Thanks be to God who is going a great work in me. ~ I pray He keeps at it, with all that loving grace and patience. And with the harsh, harsh reality that He has called me to.
2 comments:
I sure do love you. Thanks for being so vulnerable and sharing what God is teaching you. That's not an easy thing to do. I'm so very thankful for you.
When the Bible says "Therefore" we have to see what it's there for. As for balance, yep, scary stuff. I've been reading in Proverbs and Psalms more recently. I read Proverbs first, because it always tells me how I have got to shape up. Then I read Psalms, as a balm to remind me that God loves me even when I am a great big jerk.
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