The web I would have woven

I was talking to someone recently about my quest to learn to run. I have finally, after literally months and months of trying, starting making progress.

I mean like miles and timing myself and everything.

My sister suggested I run a 5K. I went to the website, thought about registering and freaked out.

She suggested that I run a different race in February.

I agreed.

I'm now signed up to run a race in March.

I'm procrastinating.

Part of the problem is that I really do try to "train" in the mornings, but my main goal for being out there every morning isn't actually to exercise. It's more of a prayer closet for me to go into by myself.

Alone time is hard to come by in this house of early risers.

They can't exercise with me, so this became my place to pray and process and talk and argue and learn and cry and worship and wrestle. I wish I knew how many miles I have logged over the years doing this each morning.

I do know I have grown a lot. Praise the Father for that.

In trying to explain all of this to a friend recently, I told her that I do try to run well in the mornings, but I am just as apt to stop to study a bird, take a picture of some clouds or a dandelion, study a bug or random creeping creature or just stop to feel the sun on my face.

It's hard to be serious about timing yourself when all of this is going on.

I recently found these verses in Proverbs 24 and they reminded me of my mornings out in nature:

I passed by the field of the sluggard

  And by the vineyard of the man lacking sense,

And behold, it was completely overgrown with thistles;
  Its surface was covered with nettles,
  And its stone wall was broken down.

When I saw, I reflected upon it;
  I looked, and received instruction.

“A little sleep, a little slumber,
  A little folding of the hands to rest,”

Then your poverty will come as a robber
  And your want like an armed man.

First of all, I'm not out judging my neighbors' yards or calling them "sluggards." But I do so often see something on my "run" and literally learn something right there on the spot. And I am very thankful for this.

One morning I was really wrestling with God's apparent plan for my life at the moment. I was trying to hard to accept this path that He has me on and trust Him.

And I was failing miserably.

We've been here before. God in His infinite patience has walked this road with me more times that I can recount in the recent years. As hard as I try to rest in Him and accept and trust, I usually end up stomping my foot and demanding my way.

This particular morning, I ran past a huge spider web. I kept going but the Lord called me back.

Look at it. Look at the web. Study it...

I did. In wonder and amazement. The morning light reflected off each tiny silk thread and perfectly showed the intricacies and complexity of the design. I ran off and thought a lot about that web. It was a marvelous miracle.

"Now, Lord. Back to my whining..."

The very next day I was running again and lo and behold, I ran past another web. I stopped again and the Lord again pressed upon my heart the urge to study it. I did and even took a few pictures. As I ran off, I uneasily waited for God to show me why I had stopped and studied webs two days in a row in the great classroom of God called nature.

I didn't have to wait long. Out of a swirling presence that reminded me of Job 40, the Lord began asking me one question after another:

Amy, how does that spider know how to spin that web?

Does he pause before he spins each one and ponder whether there might be a better pattern to spin than the one that he instinctively knows how to spin?

Does he try to spin his own version of a web?

Or better yet has he decided after all this time of catching food this way that there is probably a better way to find his dinner?

Does he doubt the One who created the web? Or does he just spin the way he was created to spin?

Does he ever tell Me that his webs aren't good enough and he would rather have some different webs?

Does that spider do what I created him to do?

With each strike of my foot against the pavement and with each question ringing in my heart, I knew that what I was really telling God was that He didn't know what He was doing. I was much more able to plan out my life than He was and as a matter of fact, He had been doing a really terrible job of it all. I could do much better.

Yes, Proverbs, this is called receiving instruction. 



 

I thought again of these things I learned as I drove home today.

There was a time when I carefully constructed every thread of my own life. I controlled and planned and structured everything that was in my control and fretted and worried about what was out of my control.

This was true even as we as a family started out to find a new church, years ago. I had my list and set out to find a church that fit that list.

There was one church in particular that I wanted to visit and I told my husband repeatedly that I didn't want to join, I just wanted to visit. Emphatically, "Not join, just visit. Once." So we did.

Visit.

And that was five years ago tomorrow.

I sat in the floor of a living room today eating lunch with friends that I met at this church. As I reflected on all that God has done in my life these last five years, all the friends He has blessed me with, the way He has grown me, the love and faithfulness and the care He has shown me, I heard the inevitable question...

What if you had gotten your way?

My way would have been a different church.

That was sort of hard to imagine, sitting in the floor of that living room today.

As I ponder the path that God seems to have for me at the moment, I know that He only makes good decisions. I know that He makes no mistakes. No matter how I feel or what I want or how I'd do things, all that matters is that I'm okay with how He's doing things.

My choice of church would have me in a completely different world now. I wiped away tears today as I thought of the people both near and far that I would have missed out on knowing had I had my way. I think of all the blessings I would have missed out on.

This can only serve to reassure me that He does indeed know what He's doing. As He knows the best web for that spider to spin, He knows the best plan for my life. Today looked just exactly has He had always planned it would. Same for tomorrow and the day after that and all the days that will follow.

We do in fact gain trust in His faithfulness when we look back and see all that He has done. I work hard to trust Him as I look forward. This is my challenge. Trust.

Trust for tomorrow.

And the days after that.

And stop spinning my own webs. They never turn out as good as His. 

Time looms large...

 I was running today, trying to sort out my heart.

Not an easy job.

The running or the sorting.

It seems harder today. Here lately. Most recently. Harder than it ever has been. 

Sorting out my heart. Not the running. 

The new year. Full of time. Unknown and unsorted time. 

Time looms large...

As I was cooling down, I walked under one of my favorite trees. I looked up a lot at the sky today, for a lot of reasons I'm sure. One reason was the absence of my beloved clouds. After what seems like a dark and gloomy winter so far, it felt good to see the nearly cloudless blue sky. 

But my poor tree. 

It looks like this in the spring:

I felt so encouraged this past spring. So hopeful. I quickly made this picture into a screen saver.

{I do love me some cheese}

But I believed it. I felt it. It was spring and everything was new and happy and so...

promising

This is my beloved tree today: 

I mean, it's just sad. It looks prettier here than it really is. It's... 

dead

Or it looks dead.

I feel like that tree.

Sort of dead inside. The hope is dead. The fire is dead. I feel like a hibernating animal, burrowed deeply in the snow, tucked in, waiting for spring. 

And I love winter. This isn't about the season. It's about me.

Hope has flickered out.

And I spent my run trying to figure out why. 

I have way too much in my life to be thankful for to be morose about anything. 

I know that. 

I think this really is about death. Not real, physical death. The other kind.

I learned a lot about this from Elisabeth Elliot. And she learned a lot about this from Lilias Trotter. 

In nature, so much of the beauty and growth depends on dying. The dying and falling off of the bloom. The dying and falling of the fruit. Nature is full of this dying and blooming and dying and blooming.

You can even look at a branch on a tree and see how many cycles of this kind that the branch has cycled through. 

There is a knot at each place where it died and grew again.

I feel that deeply in my soul. Each time the Lord has pruned me, something in me has died. Thankfully it's most always something that needed to go: a deeper grasp on pride or judgement of others, a level of fear and anxiety, a removal of something temporal I cling to instead of Him, my instance of getting my way... The list could go on and on. 

These things, and more, need to go. And I see that He works all things in my life together to bring about this sanctification. The knots stay and I remember. I remember each time the Lord wrestled from my childish, selfish grasp; something that needed to go. And I'm thankful. 

And that's good.

But sometimes I also lose something valuable. Something precious. I lose hope. I lose trust. I lose my way just a little. I feel a tiny bit like Job, 

Though you slay me...

(Lilias Trotter says, "“Do not be dismayed if the first answer to some of your prayers is a revelation, not of the power of God to make alive, but of his might to slay every hope outside himself.”)

And that's what I feel today. I feel a little lost. And definitely without hope. I feel a little slayed. 

So I made a new cheesy screensaver:

Because it's true. No matter whether I can see what He's doing or feel correctly about anything He's doing or whether or not I can actively trust Him, He's still faithful. And I know that there is much more to this verse and much more to do and think and feel, but...

I know all the right things to think and say. But for now when I feel a little lost and a little alone and a little scared about how He keeps pushing me forward when I'm really tired and just want to rest for awhile, it's good to know that He's still faithful. 

I guess my tree and I are both getting ready for spring. 

Thanksgiving 2012

Thanksgiving this year was special, since it was also Laney's birthday. I wanted the day to be special for her but also be a meaningful Thanksgiving.

We started by cooking on Wednesday. She loves to cook and wanted to cook her own birthday cake. 

Can I say that I adore having big kids?

And this is what our kitchen looks like when we cook. We are messy, messy cooks!

Thanksgiving morning dawned beautifully, and I went for a run. Partially to wake up enough so I could start cooking and partially because I'm sort of beginning to (gasp) enjoy running. 

Or what I probably still need to call "running." 

But gosh the trees. I am already beginning to mourn the passing of autumn. My favorite. 

I came home from the run to find the two musical members of our family having a voice/guitar lesson/practice session.

Daddy was home for four solid days, except for one quick gig one night. The kids were beside themselves with excitement. 

I had gotten a brilliant idea for my cupcake holder, and I sent the boys out in their pajamas to collect pine cones. 

We've been studying birds in school, and we used some of the pine cones to make bird feeders to place around the yard in hopes of attracting some birds we could study.

Here's hoping we attract birds and not squirrels. 

Now I just love the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade. When I was in labor, on Thanksgiving Day, we had the parade on. My regular doctor was snow skiing in Colorado for the Thanksgiving holiday, but thankfully I really loved the doctor that was on call. At one point he paused in front of the television with his arms crossed on his chest, and after watching for a few minutes he said, "Does anyone really watch this stuff?"

Allen cleared his throat nervously and nodded in my direction. Thankfully I was mid-contraction and unable to speak at that moment. The doc's eyes got wide and he scooted out the door before I recovered enough to respond.

Soon after, in a fit of labor-induced emotion, I nearly sobbed, "I love the parade. Can we name the baby 'Macy'?"

Allen laughed and said, "Well, yes, if you want to..." 

I sniffed and cried, "Okay. I think I want to."

When she arrived, I decided to go with our original plan of naming her Elane Sue (after my grandmother) and calling her "Laney."

I have to tell her this story every year though.

Our family tradition is to have a big breakfast and watch part of the parade. 

After quickly eating, I head back to the kitchen to watch it in there while I cook. I annoy everyone by yelling periodically, "Look! It's Sesame Street! You guys used to love this part! Look! It's Dora! Remember when you loved Dora, Laney? Look! It's a marching band! My favorite!..."

This goes on until it's over. 

My sweet, patient family.

This year, since it was Laney's birthday, the boys wanted to interrupt our usual traditions to give Laney their presents. They had chosen, and wrapped them, themselves. And they just could't wait. to give them to her. 

Zane knew she wanted a doorbell for her room. 

She loved it. 

Jude chose her art supplies. 

He really knows her love language. Her face says it all. 

Then I got back down to business. 

We alternate Thanksgiving between my in-laws and my family. This year was my family's turn, and since my mom had to work until the late afternoon, we decided to have Thanksgiving dinner this year. I was really excited about this. 

It worked out really well, and I like it better than having Thanksgiving lunch. I had more time to get everything ready, we had time to relax some and I actually had time to do some fun table decorating, which is my favorite. Well, after the cooking and the eating anyway...

We had to take some birthday portraits. (We thought we were funny too.)

Then the family arrived!

The sisters. The wine is called "Middle Sister" and it had a cute picture of "us" on it. 

We were amused by it...

Insert us eating a really good dinner here. It was fabulous. Everyone contributed to the dinner, and it was all just wonderful.

Then it was birthday cake time!

Okay, my mom is in here too, but evidently I can't sing and take pictures very well and you can't see her, unfortunately.

Since it was Laney's birthday, we thought it would be fun to go see a movie after dinner. She chose "Brave" which just happened to be at the dollar theater. 

My sweet mama's girl. That made me very happy!!! 

We ended the day exhausted but happy. 

The next day, Friday, was my recovery day. We ate leftovers and watched movies and snuggled and were just big lazy bums. 

Oh, and my sister came over and the hubs and I had a date to the thrift store. That was pretty much awesome. 

Saturday was college football day. After a day of rest I was in cooking mode again, and I cooked up a storm. We ate and watched football and hung out all day. 

It was wonderful.

And it was finally cold enough for another of my favorite things:

The boys liked being near the fire, but it "burned their eyes." Thankfully they had their safety goggles to put on. 

This helped tremendously, they said.

Thank goodness for that. 

One last leftovers dinner. 

I adore leftovers. 

Now there's nothing left and the kitchen is all clean. 

I'm sort of sad about that. 

Sunday was a sweet day of fellowship with our faith family which I am so profoundly thankful for. I then had a two hour nap. The day ended with another fire and time for me to document all of this loveliness here. 

None of us are ready to get back to the real world. I love Thanksgiving so much. It's one of my favorite holidays. I keep the table decorated through this last week of November and keep celebrating this month I love so much. I'm not ready for December yet. Thankfully we have another week of celebrating November!

It was a wonderful Thanksgiving. The Lord is always faithful. 

Caverns Field Trip

I have always wanted to go to some caverns that aren't too far from our house. Luckily one of our  homeschool groups scheduled a field trip there. I was probably a little more excited than the kids were...

It looked like we were driving into the end of the world...

This just made me happy.

This is clear (and gray) quartz. We were deep embedded of our study of Revelation at the time of this field trip, and these just reminded me of Revelation 21.

I was slightly ready to stop seeing Revelation everywhere.

This is your standard postcard shot. 

I considered getting one of these for the backyard.

The kids "panned" for gems. It was fun and all the kids enjoyed it. This also reminds me that we were supposed to study out the different gems we got that day.

Um, yeah. Homeschool field trip fail. 

The girl kid found some clear glasses in the gift shop and asked me to get them for her. I hesitated, but they were only three dollars and since she was trying to be just like her mother, how could I resist?

That is going to come to a screeching halt soon enough, so why not encourage it for the short time it lasts?

This was the perfect time of year for this field trip. The scenery was breathtaking. 

Waiting to go in the caverns. This shot was accidental, but it makes me terrifically happy. 

So. Walking down into these caverns was simply an assault on all of my senses. At once. It was amazing. I needed a few minutes to take it all in. It was just surreal. We sat through an informational lecture that was really interesting. They told the history of this particular cavern and a lot of information about the rock formations and things like that. I really liked all of that.

Then. They did this thing called "Total Darkness." I have not in my adult life been scared of much, but when they turned off all of those lights, I was slightly panicked. Part of it was because I also have never experienced dark that all encompassing. You could almost feel it. They kids did fine. I was about twenty seconds away from turning on my cell phone and ruining it for everyone. 

I am fine with never doing that again.

I'm afraid of the dark. That dark. Who knew?

And back to Revelation for a second. (I know. I was ready to be done thinking about Revelation too.) When reading and studying the bowls and seals and wrath and destruction, the overthinking planning part of my brain thought (seriously) "Where would I go? Where could the family go?" And I thought of caverns like these. "We'd be safe there! From the fire falling from the sky! From the stinging locust! From the drunk lady on the..." Never mind. Really. 

Trust me. I hear the absurdity of that. But it's true. And after the "Total Darkness" debacle, I literally thought, "Well, that won't work." I mean, we wouldn't have cell phones for long, and the flash light batteries wouldn't last long and then what would we do? And this cavern didn't have the water supply that we would need, although all the water is going to dry up anyway...

As ridiculous as it sounds, I'm glad I got to see this fleshed out. I saw how silly it was to try to plan my way out of Revelation.

I'm only typing this all out to (hopefully) remind myself later how ludicrous it is to try to over plan... anything.

So we'll just call this a lesson learned.    

Ahem.

Anyway...

We saw a "light show," which was Christmas themed. 

We toured the caverns, which was really cool. 

After that the kids did a huge maze. I refused to go in. I told one of my friend's husbands that I already knew I wasn't a fan of mazes. I am not a fan of being lost. I sort of do that in real life, literally and metaphorically, enough. I'm sure it's not a control thing at all...

Ahem.

How about a day where you get to face all of your ridiculous fears?

He joked after I confessed my Total Darkness trauma that we could have a high tower that overlooked a pit of snakes and we could just have a cornucopia of realized fears. 

That made me laugh. Except I'm not afraid of heights and I'm definitely not afraid of snakes. But dang that darkness nearly did me in. 

Anyway, this nice daddy took about 2,962 kids into the maze by himself while the mamas sat outside and had some good conversation. (Insert me being deeply thankful and blessed by the mamas God has so graciously placed in my life.)

Since we had a crazy busy day this day, we headed out shortly after. This was a great trip, and I'm thinking a cavern tour might be in my future. As long as I can figure out this darkness thing. And while I'm not studying Revelation. We can all be thankful that I'm not studying Revelation again for a little while. 

Goodness.