The Long Goodbye

We were out in Center Point today, visiting Allen's stepmother's store. When we were done, instead of coming home to do school, the Spirit urged me towards my grandparent's house. I didn't really want to go. We are behind in school because of Thanksgiving, but I knew this was important. So we went.

My grandparents have been suffering from dementia for years. My grandmother has Alzheimer's, actually, and I wonder if my grandfather has it too.

They've been getting progressively worse for years, but I don't think you're ever ready for this day.

My grandmother did not know who I was.

I cried, after we left. They loved the kids, and the sitter asked us to come back more often. They live in Clay, which is an exit past the Trussville one on 459. As much as Zane hates the car seat, the trip doesn't get made often enough.

It's hard too. I love my Mama Sue in a special way, I guess pretty much the way everyone loves their grandmother. But she and I have always had a special bond. Laney is even named after her. She was a fashionista, as you can tell by her rockin' green hat, and my love is evident for her even as a 2 month old. I love that picture of me gazing up at her. I wore her dress when Allen and I married, and she was so proud. She helped me get into, and out of, it that day. She was so happy.

She's been gone for a long time now. The lady I used to call and ask cooking or sewing questions to. She raised 3 kids. A blond eldest daughter who danced and sang her way through life. A quiet, sweet, gentle middle boy, who never wanted to rock the boat. And a youngest son who was a giant, loud soul, but was affectionate and fiercely loyal and protective. Isn't that something?

They used to only be able to remember long ago facts, which was fine with me. We'd talk about family and friends of long ago, laughing over stories and memories. Today Sue only remembered having male children, and they couldn't remember what of our family were alive or dead. My Daddy lives on 60 acres somewhere, in Buddy's mind, and "people" keep stealing Daddy Buddy's garbage can. But Buddy could still remember and talk about Bobby Bowden, who was a childhood best friend. I always get sad now, when I see Coach Bowden, knowing my granddaddy and he are the same age. And how different they are at this stage of life.

Buddy hasn't lost his sense of humor though. We were going down the stairs, so he could show me the room he's "been working on" and he paused to pick up a bag of garbage. I said, "Let me get that, Buddy." He said, "Nah, I'll get it. I'm the garbage man around here. you know." I laughed and said, "How'd you get that job?" He said, "I had to work hard for a long time to get it, and I'll tell you what. The pay stinks!" He had the old twinkle in his eye for just a second. Then it was gone.

Laney asked in the car why he didn't make much sense when he talked. It was hard to explain that his brain was broken.

I cried, thinking that Laney, and the boys, will never know the grandparents I had. The ones who would swing with me on the porch swing for hours. The ones who made me ice cream with chocolate sauce, took me shopping and let us spend the night whenever I wanted. The ones who I spent the night with before Thanksgiving and helped get ready for the big day. Sue was an amazing cook, and could sew better than anyone you've met. She made my costume for show choir in college, and it looked like a professional made it. She made me feel so incredibly loved all the time. We went to the lake house, and would sit and talk for days. Buddy would clean my shoes and tell me how to fix things. When a boy broke my heart, he said there were other fish in the sea. When I got married, they told us to only fight when we were naked. (We've never done that, by the way...) They've been married 56 years.

I usually curl up beside her on the couch and snuggle, but today, she was distant and a tad uncomfortable, like when a stranger sits too close in a movie or at church. I scooted over to give her more room and make her feel better. I realize how selfish I sound. Can you imagine living in a healthy body, but having no mind? I tried today.

What it boils down to is that I don't want to live a day where I can't talk to and praise Jesus. I want to keep my mind. I don't want my children to know the heartbreak of my not knowing them. That would just kill me. So I asked God to protect my mind. Seal it against decay, and keep me focused on Him till the day I die.

Nancy Regan called Alzheimer's "the long goodbye." She was right. Today was another chapter in this long season of my grandparent's life. I'm still trying to absorb it, and figure out how God wants me to process it all. I rambled, and thanks for being there to read it.

So what do you do all day?

Someone actually said that to me the other day. I was a little stunned, and if you can believe it, speechless. What do I do all day? Well, let's see.

I woke up at 6:45 this morning, and stumbled downstairs. I sat in the recliner for 15 minutes, attempting to wake up, snuggling with the kids, and tried to read the newscasters' lips on television. (I have loud children.) Then I got up and put a load of laundry in the wash, and started cooking breakfast while unloading and loading the dishwasher. Then I cleaned the counter and sinks, cabinet fronts and tried to hit the dust boards that were caked with dirt. Yes, I am a great housekeeper, evidently, from all the dirt in my kitchen. So we eat breakfast, and I get to clean the kitchen again. More laundry goes into the wash, and we all head upstairs to get ready. I dress Zane, help Jude find clothes, make beds, and sorta get ready myself. (Getting ready most days is throwing on clothes and brushing my teeth. I actually wore my face washing head band today. All day. *sigh*)

So after 10 frantic phone calls, and a few small disasters, more laundry, and a quick pick up of my room, we head to Target to get a birthday present. This sounds relatively easy, but Zane's sole purpose in life right now is to make every single task as difficult as possible. We managed to make it through the checkout line, and I decided to reward myself with some coffee from Starbucks. I'm not a big coffee drinker, and even less of a Starbucks fan, but I had worked hard already by that point, right? I had talked to Jenn on the way there, and she told me exactly what to order. Well, all that important info got shaken loose as I chased Zane through Target (yes, I took him out of the buggy. He had gotten out of the seat belt and was STANDING UP in the buggy. *sigh*) So I stood at the Starbucks counter and looked up at the big sign. It was all Greek to me. I saw the word "Chocolate" and "Creme" and thought, "Okay, I think I can handle that." I was shocked and disgusted and thoroughly pleased when the girl handed me a giant frozen drink topped with tons of whipped cream and chocolate sauce. I'm totally sure it was at lease 5,000 calories.

Off the go to the car we go, me with my butt extender of a drink, and Jude and Laney with their hot chocolate. I had wrestled Zane back into the buggy, and he was screaming for Jude's hot chocolate. I was pushing the buggy with one hand, and had my "coffee" in the other hand when Jude decided he didn't like his hot chocolate anymore, and in fact it was much too hot to even hold for another millisecond. So now I'm driving the buggy with my "coffee," Jude's hot chocolate and Zane, who can now REACH the so desired hot chocolate. I stop, the total of 5 feet we've managed to make it out of the store, and give him some hot chocolate. It goes all down his face, inside and outside of his outfit and me. I yelled for Jude to hold his own freaking hot chocolate ) a purchase I am SO regreting now) and we make it FINALLY to the van. I load the van, and get the kids strapped in, all to the tune of "MOM CAN WE GO TO CHICK FIL A?????" I was weak. I said yes. Ugh. SO not in the budget this week.

So we go through the Chick, and finally get home. Once home, I decide I can't stand the nastiness of our van anymore, and we all clean out the van. I realize why I can't ever find any sippy cups. There were 7 in our van. Tons of trash. Ugh. So after cleaning it out, I vacuumed it. Okay fine. I pulled it into the garage, opened the doors, and let the dog eat all the food that was on the floor. It was all organic food. She'll be fine. She did a good job too. On second thought, maybe she should sleep in the back yard instead of the garage tonight, just in case...

So once inside, I sent the kids out to play while I finished packing up the Thanksgiving decorations. Our neighbors already have out their Christmas stuff, so I was feeling a little pressure. More laundry too.

Then we do 3 hours of homeschooling. And refereeing. And laundry. Ugh.

After school, the kids went out to play, and I moved the bookcase in our living room. That involved taking everything off of it, moving it and putting everything back. At least I got to talk to Hayes while I was working. There was dog poop on three pairs of shoes, a lost monster truck and several teary "He ____ me."

"Well, she ____ me....." At least the books were all back on the shelf.

We headed upstairs to clean bedrooms to get ready for Bible study. Both of the kids' rooms looked like tornado disaster areas. Got those cleaned up and put the kids in the bath. I showered myself, in the same bathroom for safety, and then put up some clean laundry while they finished playing in the bath. Then I bathed everyone, got everyone out and put pj's on the boys.

We went downstairs where I put on "Finding Nemo," we're studying fish in school (LOL) and started cooking dinner. And do more laundry.

We ate dinner, and I cleaned up the kitchen again. Then it's brush teeth, get into bed, get Zane down and do my Bible study and fold 10 loads of laundry.

Blech. So what do I do every day? That.

I guess if this weren't a normal day, or if I knew tomorrow would be different, it would be better. But it's always the same. I don't even have time to PLAY with my kids. I know things get better when they get bigger, I hope, but I just... I don't' know.

So last night, I studied this verse:

Mark 8:34 (Amplified Bible)

34 And Jesus called [to Him] the throng with His disciples and said to them, If anyone intends to come after Me, let him deny himself [forget, ignore, disown, and lose sight of himself and his own interests] and take up his cross, and joining Me as a disciple and siding with My party] follow with Me [continually, cleaving steadfastly to Me].

Did you see all that? Wow. It's not about me. It's about Him. He knows how busy I am. He knows how tired I am. But all that matters is that I seek Him. Nothing else really matters. He takes care of me, gives me strength, patience, and hope. (!) I want and need to squash that little voice that keeps whining, "What about me?" This is my job. I'm lucky to be able to do this. I have 3 amazing blessings. It's not about what I want out of life right now. It's about being the wife, mother and child of God that He's called me to be. I'm going to do my job well, because that glorifies Him. And I'm not going to whine about it.

So what do I do all day? I steadfastly cleave to Him. That sounds better.

Laney's window got bigger!

Thanksgiving night, after her party, Grandmother touched her tooth, and it literally fell out of her mouth. Laney burst into tears, with relief and excitement. That darn tooth had been giving her trouble for at least a week. She put the tooth under her pillow, and the tooth fairy brought her a sweet present. We're glad that's over!

She looks adorable. She talks with the most precious lisp now! We make her say words over and over, and she sweetly indulges us! I told her that her cute quota went up a couple of notches. We didn't even think that was possible!!!! Yea, Laney! And hopefully the rest of those teeth will stay put for a while. We need a break!

The Bee Movie

The final stop of the day was Bee Movie. We were all pretty excited about seeing this one.

We loaded up on popcorn and candy. We got Zane to sleep, and were ready for the show!

I wasn't expecting the movie to be educational, but evidently I was zoned out during whatever grade or grades that I learned about our friend, the bee.

The bee is not supposed to be able to fly. Its wings are not aerodynamically able to support its weight. It's shouldn't even be able to get off the ground. I'm not sure how that fact escaped me all these years, because that is pretty amazing. I think God does stuff like that to say, "See how cool I am???" So I was sitting there, pondering this neat fact, when I realized that I'm kinda like a bee. I'm not supposed to be able to soar like an eagle. I'm full of challenges that should keep me from being the person that God wants me to be (no pun intended) but He so miraculously frees me from myself and allows me to get off the ground, and fly. You know? How neat is that?

Well, bees also can't fly in the rain. I never knew that either. (See the great thing about homeschooling is that the teacher learns with the students. I've learned more this year than Laney-volcanoes, trees, flowers, planets... you name it, I've learned it. I can't wait for more. Obviously I need to relearn a BUNCH of stuff.)

I feel like I can't fly in the rain either. My goal this past New Year was to learn to live with joy and peace NO MATTER THE CIRCUMSTANCES. A lofty goal, I realize. But when the rain comes down, I tend to shut down, emotionally, spiritually and physically. Get into bed and pull the covers over my head. I have improved this year, and see where God continues that work in me. I'm glad, because I'm not there yet. I want to soar in the rain, or I'm never going to fully realize the life that Jesus died on the cross for me to have. He didn't die just so I wouldn't go to hell. Certainly that's a part of it that I'm terribly thankful for, but He came, so that I might have and ENJOY life, and have it in abundance, enjoy it to the fullest, until it overflows. (John 10:10) Not just when things are good. Not just when things are going my way. But all the time. When things are dull, routine and boring. When things are fabulous. And when it's raining really hard.

So then I started to see how else I'm like this little bee. The other thing I didn't know (I know you're shocked that there's more I didn't know) is that the Queen Bee has all the baby bees by different fathers. Weird, huh? So the only parallel I could draw there is that we're all children of the King. We all have the same Father.

Rob Bell, in Velvet Elvis, talks about how Christians can find God, and truth, in just about anything. It would take waaaaay too much time to explain the concept fully here (Just GO READ the amazing book) but I've been trying to do that. Finding inspiration, reasons to pray or praise, or find God in everything I see and do. That's my recent challenge. So it was fun to find God and truth in Bee Movie.

The kids liked it too, and fun munching the treats too. Zane woke up mid way through the movie, and, well, I wouldn't recommending going to see this movie with a 16 month old. Allen and I spent some time wandering the side aisles. But it was an okay movie. I don't endorse movies, so don't look for that here, but we had fun.

Laney's big day was over. After numerous meltdowns, we threw the kids in bed early and relaxed ourselves. Big fun. And we were a tiny bit glad that it was all over!!!

Laney's Day of Fun - Part 1

As if we could have any more fun, on Friday we started out for "Laney's Day of Birthday Fun." The Vines' family, sans Daddy James, met us at Chuck E. Cheese and the fun began.

We had a blast. The kids ran and played, and the grownups played a bit too. Mom, Aunt Jodie and Grandmama came by on their way to their fun Black Friday fun. That was sweet, and Laney was glad to see them. While she was there, I talked Mom into getting on a new game. It's simulates a roller coaster, and very well indeed. There is a huge screen that shows the ride, and these reclining chairs shake, move and vibrate! Mom did well for a moment, and then after closing her eyes for a bit, jumped off the ride mid way through. I laughed so hard, I was crying. The kids loved it too, and Jennifer was so sad that her pregnant self wasn't allowed on!

We ate pizza, and played some more. The girls danced themselves silly, the boys ran all over the place, and Zane had a big time too. Allen came by after work, and got in on the fun before we had to leave. We had more fun on the agenda, believe it or not. Whew!

Laney's birthday party

After our Thanksgiving dinner, it was party time. Laney had chosen to have a Tinkerbell birthday, and the decorations and cake were just precious. She did a great job choosing them!!!

The cake was yummy, and a perfect sweet treat for after dinner. We were sad that our 8 months pregnant, amazing, professional cake maker, Jennifer, was out of commission. I'm joking, but I've always said that she spoils us to death, and it's true! We missed her sweet treat, but are more glad that she's put that business on hold indefinitely. She needs the rest!

Laney got great presents from her sweet family. She got art supplies, which are her very favorite, from Aunt Cathy. She got a bag full of treats from Grandmother and Papa, and her favorites from them included a sparkly Hello Kitty necklace, some Princess school supplies and two inflatable chairs. Mimi got her the mermaid costume they had spied together on a shopping trip. Emily and Anna got her more art supplies, and let me tell you, she has already used them all!!! Aunt Sandy stole the show with a ballerina music box that Laney had been dreaming about for months. Her face was just priceless when she opened it up. It was a great moment! Mommy and Daddy had already gotten her the Mulan costume she wore on Halloween and her Ratatouille movie. She also had a "Birthday Day" coming on Friday that was part of her present.

To quote one of my Dad's favorite sayings, "Laney racked up"!!!! She had played with her new things, and had such a sweet time! Everyone was exhausted after all the fun, as evidenced below. Off to write thank you notes... :)

Thanksgiving!

Whew. After a week's worth of preparation, menu planning and recipe gathering, countless trips to the grocery store, rearranging-aka taking out to the garage-furniture and "essential stuff" that was in the way, cleaning, baking, driving Allen crazy, wrestling with a frozen turkey and sleepless nights thanks to Zane, Thanksgiving finally arrived. Since it was Laney's birthday, I wanted to have most of our family here this year, together. It was the first time both sides had celebrated a holiday together. Things were remarkable smooth, with only a few minor bumps. I know, without a doubt, that this was largely due to prayer, by myself and my precious friends. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

We ate ourselves silly, but it always amazes me that it takes so much time to prepare the feast, and only a few minutes to eat it. I like how they did it in Jesus' day. They sat around for hours and ate and talked. I know that made the hostess feel good!! We should do that now too...

My favorite thing about Thanksgiving is LEFTOVERS!!! Last night, Allen and I got on our jammies, and ate leftovers until we thought we would pop, and watched football. Comfortable, no stress and SO much fun!!! Not that the actually holiday isn't fun-I love it. But our after party is so great too. We love to eat leftovers all weekend, which is why we had two turkeys. One for just us for we weekend!!!

So a good time was had by all. I was sad to see it come and go, my favorite holiday. I wasn't ready to say goodbye to her for another year!!! I didn't get to watch the parade this year, with all the running around we did that morning, and that's Laney's and my favorite thing to do. But next year we'll be at my mom's sister's house, and all we have to do is bring a dish or two, and show up. As I think about it, maybe I like that kind of Thanksgiving better.... Just kidding (kinda)!!!! Hope your Thanksgiving was wonderful too. I thought about you all!